TV Quotes

Marshall: Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store?
Lily: Okay, I'll tell you but before I do, promise me that we are not gonna move to St. Cloud, Minnesota, promise.
Marshall: Look, I'm not suggesting that we move here tomorrow. I'm just...
Lily: Just promise.
Marshall: Why do you want me to promise you that?
Lily: Because I don't fit in here. I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it.

Justin: I don't care how well-dressed I am. The real challenge is walking up to a girl that I've never met before and somehow talking to her with words from my mouth. I've looked at it from every possible angle. There's just no way to do it.
[Barney and Tim Gunn chuckle]
Barney: What's your name?
Justin: Justin.
[later:]
Barney: Have you met Justin?
Julie: Uh, no. Hi, I'm Julie.
Justin: So simple, so elegant.
Kyle: That's it? You just walk up to someone you don't know and introduce them to your buddy? I don't know. That sounds kind of...
Justin: Have you met Kyle?
Woman: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: Are you Jesus?!

[Video plays on laptop of Robin, dressed as a school girl, in a classroom with a teacher:]
Robin Sparkles: Please, Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry I was a bad girl. Please don't give me detention. Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you? [Robin bites her lip]

Marshall: [inner monologue] I'll show them. My body can outrun any motorized vehicle. I'm like John Henry when he beat the steam engine. All I need is a great folk song.
Marshall: [singing] Gather round, ye children To hear the tale so sweet Of a man who dared to race machines With nothing but his feet
Marshall: Suck it, grand-butt!
Marshall: [singing] Marshall Versus the machines Hyah!

Zoey: Ted! Ted! What is that?
Ted: Oh, my God! It's the cock-a-mouse!
Zoey: The what?
Ted: Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. It used to live in our apartment. It must've settled here. And, oh, look! It had babies. Good for it!
Zoey: Ew. I give up. You win. Let's go.
Ted: Be well, my friends!

Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!

Lily: Hey, Ted?
Ted: Yeah?
Lily: You wrote down all these things to say goodbye to, but so many of them are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost. To all the times it was a "no" instead of a "yes." To all the scrapes and bruises. To all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time. But don't go have one last Scotch with Barney. Have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life. Because that's a good thing... And the good things will always be here waiting for you. What?
Ted: Turn the page.
Lily: "Get one last life lecture from Lily." Well, you're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.