How I Met Your Mother Quote of the Day
Thursday, December 9, 2021
Barney: To more advanced maneuvers like "the Mrs. Stinsfire."
[flashback to a sorority house:]
Woman: Now kappas, after our disciplinary hearing for lewd behavior last semester, we have been assigned a new housemom. I'd like you to meet Mrs. Stinsfire.
Marshall: [high-pitched in a Scottish accent] Hello, girls!
[Barney winks to camera; present:]
Marshall: Wow. I can't picture a way that wouldn't work.
Wednesday, December 8, 2021
Ted: This is ridiculous. I've known you for 16 years. I'm the obvious choice.
Barney: Oh, come on, if Ted raises him, the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. I'm the obvious choice.
Robin: Hey, look, as the only one of us packing a vag, I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that. Plus, I can teach him how to bow hunt.
Tuesday, December 7, 2021
Ted: It's sad to admit, but as you get older, there's things you can't do anymore. That's why I have this list, so I never make the mistake of thinking that I can still pull an all-nighter.
Marshall: Oh, I'm too old for that stuff.
Ted: Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
Marshall: I'm too old for that stuff.
Ted: Or hang posters on your wall without frames.
Marshall: "Riggs." "Riggs!" I'm too old for that stuff.
Monday, December 6, 2021
Future Ted: [v.o.] In the fall of 2009, a new couple had just moved in upstairs.We had not met but you could hear all the time. They were always... Well, kids, let's just say they were always "playing the bagpipes."
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know. It's been six hours. Must be that Tantric bagpiping that Sting is into.
Robin: She keeps yelling out for him to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: You have neighbors! Shut the bagpipes up!
Sunday, December 5, 2021
[The game timer dings. A piece explodes, covering a thick yellow liquid across Mickey, Marshall and the Thanksgiving dinner]
Robin: Oh, my God.
Ted: What just happened?
Mickey: Sorry, Ted. Gallbladder burst. You move back three spaces.
Marshall: You come in here, and you watch your daughter leave, and you don't even care. And now you've destroyed Thanksgiving dinner! Lily worked all day on this!
Mickey: Relax. It's not real bile. It's just lead-based paint from China. And horse bile.
Saturday, December 4, 2021
Barney: It was just a simple summer job, but it turned into so much more. Her name was Frances Houseman, but everyone called her Baby.
[Flashback to a young Barney in a room at camp:]
Sylvia: Yes, Mickey?
Barney: How do you call your lover boy?
Sylvia: Come here, lover boy.
Barney: And if he doesn't answer?
Sylvia: Oh, lover boy...
Barney: And if he still doesn't answer?
Sylvia: I simply say, "Baby... Oh, baby. My sweet baby."
Lily: That's Dirty Dancing.
Friday, December 3, 2021
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you try to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: One of each.
Barney: All right, all right.
Friday, December 10, 2021
Saturday, December 11, 2021
Sunday, December 12, 2021
Monday, December 13, 2021
Tuesday, December 14, 2021