Previous Episode Next Episode 

35Quotes from ‘Not a Father's Day’

How I Met Your Mother: Not a Father's Day

407. Not a Father's Day

Aired November 10, 2008

After a pregnancy scare, Barney celebrates by creating a holiday for men who aren't fathers. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily consider starting a family.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Barney, they're hot.
Barney: Oh, there is so much to teach you all. You have just become victims of... The Cheerleader Effect. Glad you asked. The Cheerleader Effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only, as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs.
Ted: That's insane.
Barney: Take a good, hard look at each one of those girls. Individually.
Marshall: I don't know. The one on the end is kind of cute.
Lily: Yeah, she really is.
Barney: Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, Sorority Girl Syndrome, and for a brief window in the mid-'90s, the Spice Girls Conspiracy. Scary Spice indeed.

Rate

Quote from Barney

Barney: Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit! Laraby and Finklestein are helping me celebrate. Check it. "World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs. There's, uh... ha! "Who's Not Your Daddy?" Tee-shirts. Both available at NotAFathers Day.Com. Oh, check out the greeting cards.
Marshall: "For everything you do for yourself, For all the scotch upon your shelf, Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway, Here's wishing you an all night three-way. Happy Not a Father's Day."
Barney: Check out the illustration. No.
Marshall: Oh, it appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.
Barney: Yes. Because on Not a Father's Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear. Wordplay five!

Quote from Barney

Ted: What do you mean you're gonna be a dad? How did, how did this happen?
Barney: It was just some girl I hooked up with a few weeks back. She's not sure. She's gonna go to the doctor in the morning.
Lily: Maybe it's a false alarm. Maybe she's not pregnant.
Barney: Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110%. If one of my little Michael Phelpses got loose, he's swimming for the gold.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Marshall, great news! I'm not a father!
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.
Barney: This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall. The way I feel about not having kids? I never knew I could love something this much. That's why I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not a Father's Day."
Marshall: You're creating a holiday?
Barney: Yeah, why not? Everyone else gets a day: Mothers, Fathers, Bastilles. Why can't there be a day for people who are single and like it that way?
Marshall: Well, now you just sound like the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.

Quote from Barney

[As Ted and Robin arrive at MacLaren's:]
Robin: Look, don't paint me as some sort of a freak for wanting to remain independent. There are plenty of normal people out there who don't want to have kids.
Barney: Brother, lay your hand on this box of condoms and repeat after me. I, state the fake name
you give to women.
Man: I, Johnny Banana.
Barney: Vow to always choose wet T-shirts over wet diapers.
Man: Vow to always...
Ted: [to Robin] Yeah, you're in great company there.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Latest Not A Father's Day brainstorm, a pregnancy test, but instead of a little blue line, there's a little, blue Barney going like this. [gives thumbs up]

Quote from Robin

Robin: We made all of these arguments, and a sock is what makes your decision for you?
Ted: I guess that was the sock-out punch, huh, Robin?
Robin: Shut up, Dad.
Ted: You shut up, baby hater.
Robin: Babies are scary, okay? They have giant eyes. And then, come on, the soft spot? If there's gonna be a self-destruct button, at least hide it somewhere it won't accidentally get pressed.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I am not impressed with the talent in here tonight. And the more I drink, the less attractive they get. I'm one scotch and soda away from the Cantina scene in Star Wars.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [singing karaoke] And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon. When you comin' home, Dad? [sobbing] I don't know when We'll get together then, son [holding the sock] I'll know we'll have a good time then.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, when you turn 30 and you're in a couple, a strange thing happens. You start to see
babies everywhere. Yes, Marshall and Lily were coming down with baby fever. And their new neighbors weren't helping. That night they sat down to have a serious practical discussion about having kids.
Lily: So, if we have a baby, do you think you could work fewer hours?
Marshall: Doesn't matter, he's gonna be so cute, I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.
Lily: Okay. But what about money? We're still in a ton of debt.
Marshall: Oh, well, we'll count our overdue bills on his teeny tiny fingers.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Let's have a baby. [Marshall and Lily kiss]
Lily: Oh, oh, right now? Oh, okay.
Future Ted: [v.o.] There was just one thing in their way.
Robin: [enters] Scooch over. I TiVo'd The View.
Future Ted: And that thing happened to be unemployed and sleeping on their couch.
Marshall: So, Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?
Robin: Oh, you didn't hear? I'm the lead anchor on CNN. And I got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold. Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [answers phone] Marshall?
Marshall: Hey, babe. It's breakfast time in China.
Lily: Yeah, it is.
Marshall: Not a euphemism. Look, I... Wait, what would that even mean?
Lily: I don't know. Hot buns, spicy pork? There's something there. You're not coming home tonight, are you? [Marshall shakes his head] Are you shaking your head "no?" [Marshall nods] I thought so.

Quote from Robin

Lily: So, are Marshall and I ready to have a baby or not?
Ted: Lily, we can't make this decision for you. It's huge.
Robin: You know what else is huge? Marshall's head. That thing's the size of a late August watermelon. Marshall's baby coming through there? Yowza.
Ted: What does Marshall think?
Robin: Probably lot in that 1950s space helmet of a head he's walking around with.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Well, of course you think it comes naturally. You're basically a dad already.
Lily: You're a total dad.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Robin: Ted, think about it. You tell super corny dad jokes.
[flashback:]
Ted: Shredded tweet! Oh, man! Shredded tweet.
[flashback:]
Robin: [v.o.] You lecture us. Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.
Ted: I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.
Barney: She did it!
Robin: Shut up!
[flashback:]
Robin: [v.o.] And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses.
Lori: Hi, I'm Lori. I'll be your waitress this evening.
Ted: Hi, Lori, I'm Ted. I'll be your customer this evening. Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me, what do you get when you cross a canary with a lawn mower? No hints. No hints.
[present:]
Lily: She's right. Ted, you maybe single and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad.
Ted: I don't think I like your tone, young lady.

Quote from Robin

Lily: She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby. Your only hope is to go negative.
Ted: Okay. I'll tell you why my opponent is saying all this. Three words, scared of babies.
Robin: What? That is crazy. I am not.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Remember that time you met my cousin and her kid?
[flashback:]
Ted: She is so cute!
Robin: [unconvincingy] Aw.
Ted's cousin: Oh, do you want to hold her?
Robin: Aw. [passes the baby right to Ted]
[flashback:]
Ted: [v.o.] Or the baby shower Lily threw for her friend Erika?
Ted: Are you letting that baby sniff you?
Robin: I don't want to get bitten.
[flashback:]
Ted: [v.o.] And don't forget about...
[Robin runs screaming out of the room]
Marshall: Talking baby commercial?
Ted: Talking baby commercial.

Quote from Robin

Ted: I can't believe we lost her.
Robin: See, this is exactly why I'm never having kids. You can't let them out of your sight for even a second.
[meanwhile, in Marshall's office:]
Marshall: I can't find my file.
Lily: I pulled out "A" through "G." Ag! Aaaaggg.
[back:]
Robin: They just sit there with their stupid bottles.
[Lily is drinking a bottle of wine in Marshall's office]
Robin: They cry.
[Marshall gives Lily the bottle of wine back]
Robin: They spit up.
[Lily throws up in the trash can in Marshall's office]
Robin: And that's why kids suck.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [to the "Not a Fathers"] Hey, you guys didn't have to... It's a picture of me with no kids. And there's macaroni glued on the frame. Guys, I love it.


 Episode 406 Episode 408 
  Select another episode