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38Quotes from ‘Twin Beds’

How I Met Your Mother: Twin Beds

521. Twin Beds

Aired May 3, 2010

After a weekend away, Marshall and Lily decide it's more comfortable to sleep in separate beds. Meanwhile, as Robin considers taking her relationship with Don to the next level, Barney and Ted start to feel they want to be with her again.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Wait, wait, wait, wait, dude, dude, hold on. Do you think I'm gay?
Don: Well, yeah.
Ted: Why would you assume that?
[flashback to Ted arriving in the apartment as Robin and Don sit on the couch:]
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey, Ted, your calligraphy teacher called.
Ted: And? And?
Robin: Your ink is in.
Ted: Yes!
[another flashback:]
Ted: Hey, guys, I just wanna make sure Project Runway is recording. Did the Jets get new costumes?
[another flashback:]
Ted: Well, I guess we won't be having creme brulee tonight. My browning torch is broken.
Don: You know, when I heard your roommate was a single guy, I was a little jealous. But now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.
Robin: Oh, Ted's not...
Ted: But we still got homemade lady fingers and piping hot Darjeeling.
Don: Awesome. Thank you. Ted's not what?
Robin: Ted's not gonna be around a lot. He's following Cher on tour.
[present:]
Ted: Okay, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on a hell of a show. But I am not gay.

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Quote from Ted

Don: Hey, Lily, be honest. Is it weird that Robin hangs out with one of her exes all the time?
Lily: Well, Ted and Robin broke up years ago. It's a non-issue.
Don: Ted and Robin?
Ted: Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donny?
Carl: Appletini for the gentleman.
Ted: Thank you.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Okay. You're ready.
Barney: Ready for what?
Ted: To read the letter.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the letter was a device I'd invented to remind myself why I'd broken up with somebody. I'd been doing it for years.
[flashback to Ted writing a letter in 1996:]
Ted: [v.o.] "Dear Future Ted, never get back with Karen because she's a pretentious snob. Oh, also, she cheated on you. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. [chuckles] See, we're already laughing about it."
[flashback to Ted writing a letter in 2005:]
Ted: [v.o.] "Dear Future Ted, stay away from Natalie, or any girl who can pin you to the ground and beat you senseless in front of a cheering crowd. P.S. Please consult a therapist about why that turned you on a little bit. "
[flashback to Ted writing a letter in 2008:]
Ted: [v.o.] "Dear Relationship Genius, Stella left you at the altar. You may never love again and will probably die alone." Huh! It doesn't look so sad written in calligraphy.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, I think you should move in with him.
Robin: You do?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I see how happy you are. And as much as I love you as a roommate, I want you to do what's right for you.
Robin: Oh! Are you trying to kick me out because of the milk thing?
Ted: It's really annoying.
[flashback to Ted going to the refrigerator and taking out a carton of milk that turns out to be empty:]
Ted: Robin!
[Ted goes into Robin's bedroom while she sleeps and places the empty carton in her bed]
[present:]
Robin: No. I have a system. I put the empty carton back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.
Ted: Okay, why don't you leave a full carton to remind us we don't have to buy milk?

Quote from Barney

Barney: All right, all right. As your ex, before you jump into anything, I need to meet this guy. I think it's kind of weird that I haven't met him yet.
Robin: Totally weird. It's almost like someone carefully orchestrated it that way on purpose. ... Fine. But you have to promise to be on your best behavior.
Barney: I promise.
[later, when Don joins Robin, Barney and Ted at MacLaren's:]
Barney: So, I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist and I swear, she is so flexible, at one point she was on top of me and underneath me. Up top and down low! One and two, bang!

Quote from Marshall

Robin: Hey, Lily! Marshall! How was your weekend away, or any other topic?
Lily: Awful.
Marshall: Terrible.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall in a cabin room:]
Lily: Twin beds? We can't sleep in separate beds. We should go complain.
Marshall: Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna march down there and demand another room.
Lily: Yeah, I'll go with you in just a sec.
[later:]
Maid: [o.s.] Housekeeping.
Marshall: Could you come back later? We're taking a little catnap.
Maid: It's time to check out.
[present:]
Marshall: We slept for 18 hours.
Lily: We missed four pre-paid meals.
Marshall: I lost 11 pounds.

Quote from Ted

Don: Hey, Ted, do you think it's weird that Robin is still friends with Barney?
Ted: I think it's weird that we're all still friends with Barney.
Don: I just don't know how I feel about her hanging out with one of her exes all the time.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's when I realized Robin had failed to tell Don about another one of her exes, me.
Ted: No, hanging out with one ex is fine. Even two, I'd give a pass. Hell, two might be even better than one, for some reason.

Quote from Lily

[As Lily and Marshall try to sleep in bed:]
Marshall: [inner monologue] My God, she's a thousand degrees! It's like putting my leg against a tailpipe.
Lily: [inner monologue] Ow! His toenails are like daggers.
Marshall: [inner monologue] I'd love a sandwich, but no eating in bed. Stupid rule. We have ants one time.
Lily: [inner monologue] Great, and now he's falling asleep. Cue the river of drool.
Marshall: [inner monologue] Ugh, my knee itches. Just one little scratch.
[The whole bed shakes as Marshall scratches[
Lily: Marshall! I think we should get separate beds.
Marshall: Yes! A mini fridge and separate beds.
Lily: Deal!

Quote from Barney

Ted: You're kidding, right?
Barney: No. I don't know what it is, but I want Robin back.
Ted: I know what it is. You're like a little kid who throws a toy away and then wants it back the second another kid starts playing with it.
Barney: [whiny] Well, maybe I wasn't done playing with it. Maybe I just set it down 'cause I wanted to play with some other stuff for a second!

Quote from Barney

Barney: [reading the letter] "You and Robin, were a terrible couple. It just didn't work. Sure, you'll always love Robin, but remember other women? More importantly, remember other boobs? And all the cool stuff you can do with boobs? Nuzzle, juggle, honka-honka. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic." Then there's just a bunch of drawings of boobs.
Ted: Uh-huh. You get it now?
Barney: Yeah, I get it. I definitely want her back.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: I don't think human beings were ever meant to sleep in the same bed. Somehow sex and sleep got all jumbled together, but they're two different things.
Lily: I know. I mean, I love you, but I want this new bed to be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.
Marshall: Me, too. And some light snacking, but that's it. Hey, you know what we should get? We should get a third bed just for sex.
Lily: Yes! A sex bed! A dirty, dirty sex bed!
Marshall: It's genius. That way each bed would have a specific purpose.
Lily: Exactly. We'll have two sleep beds, a sex bed, and I'm thinking a bean bag chair, just for special birthday stuff.
Marshall: Baby, did we just revolutionize modern marriage?
Lily: Damn straight!
[Lily and Marshall try to high five each other, but they can't reach. They do finger guns and click their tongues instead.]

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Marshall, I'm worried. I don't wanna get divorced.
Marshall: Oh, baby. Honey, that's Don. That's not us. Our new sleeping arrangement is only gonna bring us closer together. Now get out of my bed.
Lily: Can we at least push them together?
Marshall: Sure. Oh, you meant the beds. No, I don't wanna do that.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Baby, I love you more than life itself. But you're a million degrees. Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam.
Lily: Well, you're no picnic in bed, either. Oh, except for the food and the ants. But, well, I still wanna be next to you.
Marshall: Why? So you can kick me and slap me all night? I swear to God, the second you fall asleep, it's like you grow extra limbs. It's like spooning with a Hindu deity, Ganesh!
Lily: Wanna push them together?
Marshall: You still talking about the beds?
Lily: Nope.
Marshall: Get over here.

Quote from Barney

Barney: So, what's going on with Robin?
Ted: You were right. She was just mad. It's been four days, she hasn't said another word about moving out. But listen, we can never pull crap like that ever again.
Barney: Agreed. In fact, I even wrote myself another letter. "Dear Future Barney, you think you want Robin back again, but you really don't. Let her go. Sincerely, Past Barney."
Ted: Let me see that.
Barney: Hey, hey, give it to me.
Ted: All right, all right, "P.S. That top part was just for Ted. Did he buy it? Good. Now get back together with Robin. But don't mention your plan to Ted, 'cause he'll just screw it up again." And then there's more drawings of boobs.
Barney: Okay, okay. In my defense, how great are boobs?


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