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29Quotes from ‘The Broath’

How I Met Your Mother: The Broath

719. The Broath

Aired March 19, 2012

When Barney announces that he and Quinn are moving in together, the group are concerned and arrange a "Quinntervention" to change his mind. Meanwhile, Marshall is upset that he never gets to share stories about his sex life because everyone would know it's about Lily.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Quinn totally duped Barney, and he couldn't even see it.
Ted: Well, apparently, the sex is mind-blowing.
Marshall: Ha, I've been there. Yeah. I was once with this chick who answered the door wearing nothing but, uh, whipped cream, a dog collar and a hot pink thong.
Lily: Marshall, you can't tell sex stories about "this chick," because everyone knows it's me. I'm the only woman
you've ever been with.
Marshall: It's not fair, the guys are always telling their sex stories and I can top every one of them. Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.
Lily: Sweet talk is not going to change my mind.

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Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] And Robin was staying with her coworker, Patrice.
Patrice: You seem so down today, Robin. I made you cookies.
Robin: Damn it, Patrice, stop smothering me!

Quote from Barney

Barney: I don't understand. Wh... Wait a sec. Ted Evelyn Mosby, you broke The Broath.
Ted: Howdare you?! A Broath is the most sacred bond between... Okay, yeah, I did.
Barney: Are you aware that breaking a Broath can have deadly, even fatal repercussions? Have you studied history, Ted?
Ted: Extensively. But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so...
Barney: The tragic cost of a broken Broath dates back to Ancient Bro-man times...
[historical flashback:]
Barney: Hey, Bro-tus, you'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes were conspiring to assassinate me, right?
Ted: Um, totally, Caesar. Paranoid much?
Barney: Just to be sure, can you swear a Broath to me?
Ted: Sure. I swear.
Barney: Thanks. You've always got my back.
[A team of ninjas arrive and attempt to kill Ceasar, but he manages to overpower them]
Barney: Et tu, Bro-te? [throws a ninja star]
[present:]
Barney: And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks and invented a salad. True story.

Quote from Robin

Lily: I can't believe you two. What do you care about more, protecting your friend from getting hurt or scoring this girl's apartment?
Ted: There's a working fireplace!
Robin: Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong!

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in the spring of 2012, your Uncle Barney went off the grid for a couple weeks. So I was relieved when I got a text asking me to come over to his place.
Ted: Glad to hear from you, buddy. I was worried something bad happened... to you.
Barney: Welcome, brother.
Ted: What is this?
Barney: Ted Evelyn Mosby, you are about to be sworn to secrecy through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath, or "Broath." Please, put on your "brobe."
Ted: Yeah, I'm not putting on the "brobe."
Barney: Ted, just... Just... Okay?
Ted: Wait, are they chanting "bro"?
Barney: I got some local monks to record this. Yeah! I got a monk guy. Cool, right?
Ted: It actually is, yeah.
Barney: I'll burn it for you. Just remind me after The Broath.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby, this ritual forever binds you to keep a solemn secret...
Ted: Which is?
Barney: I really like this Quinn girl! We've been spending tons of time together, and I want the gang to meet her. But I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove because, well, you know.
Future Ted: [v.o.] I did know. You see, Quinn was a stripper who had swindled Barney out of quite a bit of cash.
Barney: We're inviting everyone to dinner at Quinn's, and I want them to keep an open mind, which brings us to The Broath. Place your hand on The Bro Code.
Ted: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Barney: Repeat after me. I, Ted Evelyn Mosby...
Ted: "I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You My Middle Name" Mosby..."
Barney: solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper.
Ted: "...solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper who duped you out of lots of money."
Barney: You're only supposed to repeat after me.
Ted: "You're only supposed to repeat after me."
Barney: Stop it.
Ted: Stop it.
Barney: Silence!

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, things had been tense between Robin and I for weeks. Ever since she moved out, and I gave the apartment to Marshall and Lily, I'd been crashing in university housing. It's 10:00, damn it. Ned, Martin and Millie, people are trying to sleep!
Ned: Hey, you were young like us once, right?
Ted: I was never like you guys.

Quote from Marshall

Robin: We got off topic? What about Marshall?
Marshall: Hey, I was just going along with whoever suggested we play that game.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Hey, let's play a game! Uh, craziest sex-in-public story; I'll start. I was once with this chick who loved to get freaky in elevators. Doors would close; Suddenly, she's panting on all fours like a dog in heat.
Lily: Marshall, stop.
Marshall: I never said that it was you. Okay, so anyway, last August, I go bareback with this same slut. She get's pregnant. Bitch is even hornier.
Lily: Oh, yeah? I was once with this dude who I caught eating a sandwich during sex. Big ol' meatball falls out, lands on my back, rolls on to the elevator floor. Hmm. Disgusting, right? What, I never said it was you.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you'll recall, our gang had a subtle way of letting someone know they were making a mistake.
[Robin hangs the "Intervention" sign as Marshall returns to the apartment]
Lily: Where have you been?
Marshall: Oh, worth it. Hang on.
[Marshall attaches a "Quin" poster to the sign, so it reads "Quinntervention"]
Marshall: You know we would've hated ourselves, right?

Quote from Lily

Lily: I thought I was the first girl you ever did anything with.
Marshall: Anything serious. Please don't tell me that you're jealous of me getting to second base in tenth grade with Jenna Cristalli.
Lily: Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby.

Quote from Ted

Barney: What's going on?
Ted: Barney, this in an intervention. [Marshall clears his throat] A "Quinntervention." You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don't trust her. We're just looking out for your best interests. [Marshall clears his throat] "Quinn-terests."

Quote from Barney

Ted: Well, Quinn lied to you. She manipulated you. What if she's just using you?
Barney: She's not just using me.
Lily: What about the expensive trip to Hawaii?
Barney: What expensive trip to Hawaii?
Quinn: The one I got for you. That was supposed to be a surprise for Barney. He asked me to meet him here. What's going on, you guys?
Barney: Tell her. Fine, I'll fill her in. And I am so angry, I'm not even gonna make a joke about "filling her in." Which I did three times last night, self-five.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Barney, we're so sorry. We never should've meddled like that. Can you forgive us?
Barney: I don't know. You had no right to do that.
Ted: How can we make it up to you, buddy?
[later:]
Barney: I, one of Barney's best friends...
All: "I, one of Barney's best friends..."
Barney: promise never to interfere with his personal life again...
All: "...promise never to interfere with his personal life again..."
Barney: unless it's an issue of health, national security, or he's about to get up on a fattie.
All: "...unless it's an issue of health, national security, or he's about to get up on a fattie."
Barney: And now, to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Robin: Barney.
Barney: The two ladies will kiss!

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Barney and Quinn devising a plan:]
Barney: Next, they'll try to talk me into dumping you.
Quinn: And I'll walk in on it.
Barney: Then we pretend to break up. And when they crawl back, begging for forgiveness... I'll be the bigger man and let them off the hook.
Quinn: Or make the monkeys dance for you.
Barney: God, you're smart! It's gonna be legen... I'm not waiting for it anymore. [kisses Quinn]
[later, post-coital:]
Quinn: ...dary.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Listen, um, about me getting to second base in tenth grade with Jenna Cristalli...
Lily: I don't know what you're talking about. I've already forgotten about that dumb hobag.
Marshall: Yeah, um, it didn't happen while we were watching Peter Pan. It happened while I was playing Peter Pan. Here's a photo from the day I was cast. That's me in the middle. But then I had my growth spurt. By opening night, I was too big for the flying harness, and, well... I fell hands-first right onto Jenna Cristalli. The tissues in her bra saved me two broken wrists. I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted to have one cool sex story that wasn't you.
Lily: Okay. Next time you tell it, you were in your dad's car, which you stole to go to a Metallica concert, and you got to third base with that slut.
Marshall: I was once with this chick... who is just the best wife ever.

Quote from Ted

Ted: And then we agreed to "go back to normal." But I'm starting to wonder if we can ever really just be friends. Anyway, that's the story of me and Robin, 2005 to the present. What do you think?
Martin: I think your stories are way too long.
Ned: I feel bad for his future kids, dude.
Ted: Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories. They're gonna... Yeah, they're gonna love my stories.


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