‘The Broath’
Season 7, Episode 19 - Aired March 19, 2012
When Barney announces that he and Quinn are moving in together, the group are concerned and arrange a "Quinntervention" to change his mind. Meanwhile, Marshall is upset that he never gets to share stories about his sex life because everyone would know it's about Lily.
Quote from Marshall
Lily: Quinn totally duped Barney, and he couldn't even see it.
Ted: Well, apparently, the sex is mind-blowing.
Marshall: Ha, I've been there. Yeah. I was once with this chick who answered the door wearing nothing but, uh, whipped cream, a dog collar and a hot pink thong.
Lily: Marshall, you can't tell sex stories about "this chick," because everyone knows it's me. I'm the only woman
you've ever been with.
Marshall: It's not fair, the guys are always telling their sex stories and I can top every one of them. Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.
Lily: Sweet talk is not going to change my mind.
Quote from Robin
Future Ted: [v.o.] And Robin was staying with her coworker, Patrice.
Patrice: You seem so down today, Robin. I made you cookies.
Robin: Damn it, Patrice, stop smothering me!
Quote from Barney
Barney: I don't understand. Wh... Wait a sec. Ted Evelyn Mosby, you broke The Broath.
Ted: Howdare you?! A Broath is the most sacred bond between... Okay, yeah, I did.
Barney: Are you aware that breaking a Broath can have deadly, even fatal repercussions? Have you studied history, Ted?
Ted: Extensively. But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so...
Barney: The tragic cost of a broken Broath dates back to Ancient Bro-man times...
[historical flashback:]
Barney: Hey, Bro-tus, you'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes were conspiring to assassinate me, right?
Ted: Um, totally, Caesar. Paranoid much?
Barney: Just to be sure, can you swear a Broath to me?
Ted: Sure. I swear.
Barney: Thanks. You've always got my back.
[A team of ninjas arrive and attempt to kill Ceasar, but he manages to overpower them]
Barney: Et tu, Bro-te? [throws a ninja star]
[present:]
Barney: And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks and invented a salad. True story.
Quote from Robin
Lily: I can't believe you two. What do you care about more, protecting your friend from getting hurt or scoring this girl's apartment?
Ted: There's a working fireplace!
Robin: Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong!
Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in the spring of 2012, your Uncle Barney went off the grid for a couple weeks. So I was relieved when I got a text asking me to come over to his place.
Ted: Glad to hear from you, buddy. I was worried something bad happened... to you.
Barney: Welcome, brother.
Ted: What is this?
Barney: Ted Evelyn Mosby, you are about to be sworn to secrecy through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath, or "Broath." Please, put on your "brobe."
Ted: Yeah, I'm not putting on the "brobe."
Barney: Ted, just... Just... Okay?
Ted: Wait, are they chanting "bro"?
Barney: I got some local monks to record this. Yeah! I got a monk guy. Cool, right?
Ted: It actually is, yeah.
Barney: I'll burn it for you. Just remind me after The Broath.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby, this ritual forever binds you to keep a solemn secret...
Ted: Which is?
Barney: I really like this Quinn girl! We've been spending tons of time together, and I want the gang to meet her. But I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove because, well, you know.
Future Ted: [v.o.] I did know. You see, Quinn was a stripper who had swindled Barney out of quite a bit of cash.
Barney: We're inviting everyone to dinner at Quinn's, and I want them to keep an open mind, which brings us to The Broath. Place your hand on The Bro Code.
Ted: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Barney: Repeat after me. I, Ted Evelyn Mosby...
Ted: "I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You My Middle Name" Mosby..."
Barney: solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper.
Ted: "...solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper who duped you out of lots of money."
Barney: You're only supposed to repeat after me.
Ted: "You're only supposed to repeat after me."
Barney: Stop it.
Ted: Stop it.
Barney: Silence!
Quote from Ted
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, things had been tense between Robin and I for weeks. Ever since she moved out, and I gave the apartment to Marshall and Lily, I'd been crashing in university housing. It's 10:00, damn it. Ned, Martin and Millie, people are trying to sleep!
Ned: Hey, you were young like us once, right?
Ted: I was never like you guys.
Quote from Marshall
Robin: We got off topic? What about Marshall?
Marshall: Hey, I was just going along with whoever suggested we play that game.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Hey, let's play a game! Uh, craziest sex-in-public story; I'll start. I was once with this chick who loved to get freaky in elevators. Doors would close; Suddenly, she's panting on all fours like a dog in heat.
Lily: Marshall, stop.
Marshall: I never said that it was you. Okay, so anyway, last August, I go bareback with this same slut. She get's pregnant. Bitch is even hornier.
Lily: Oh, yeah? I was once with this dude who I caught eating a sandwich during sex. Big ol' meatball falls out, lands on my back, rolls on to the elevator floor. Hmm. Disgusting, right? What, I never said it was you.
Quote from Marshall
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you'll recall, our gang had a subtle way of letting someone know they were making a mistake.
[Robin hangs the "Intervention" sign as Marshall returns to the apartment]
Lily: Where have you been?
Marshall: Oh, worth it. Hang on.
[Marshall attaches a "Quin" poster to the sign, so it reads "Quinntervention"]
Marshall: You know we would've hated ourselves, right?
Quote from Lily
Lily: I thought I was the first girl you ever did anything with.
Marshall: Anything serious. Please don't tell me that you're jealous of me getting to second base in tenth grade with Jenna Cristalli.
Lily: Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby.