Ted: Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually.
Barney: You know, Lil, when times are tough, I like to remember the uplifting words of my favorite song. [sings] "We'll be on your side when you need a friend. Through thick and thin you can always depend. On the world leaders in credit and banking. Goliath National Bank." Member FDIC.

Marshall: This isn't it.
All: What?
Marshall: It's not it.
Ted: Marshall, you might not want to hear this, but... Is it at all possible this is the same burger you had eight years ago, only it could never live up to your ridiculously high expectations?
Robin: I mean, it is just a burger.
Marshall: Just a burger? [snorts] Just a burger? Robin, it's so much more than just a burger. I mean, that first bite... Oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then, a pickle - the most playful little pickle - and then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a... a patty... of ground beef, so... exquisite... swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savories so... delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread. This is God... speaking to us through food.
Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the Internet?

Future Ted: [v.o.] When I first moved to New York, it was dingy, disgusting, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky and altogether terrifying, but then, sadly, the whole city started to go uphill. The streets got a little cleaner, the rents got a little higher, and one by one, the crappy old places we loved began to disappear. The Elbow Room, an old punk rock club, became a drugstore. McHale's, a working-class watering hole, became a fast-food place. And Fez, a Moroccan-themed lounge, became a bank. And not just any bank.

Barney: Goliath National Bank. The world leader in credit and banking. God, I love Goliath National Bank!
Ted: Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. And, second, why are you so excited about some bank?
Barney: Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. Took two months. Cost 2,000 jobs. It was brutal. Who wants a T-shirt? [throws one to Ted] Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. I could get you a job.

Lily: Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job just to go work at a bank. He's gonna be an environmental lawyer.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the plan, anyway. Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews.
Marshall: [to the mirror] You are confident, you are energetic, you are focused!
Future Ted: A lot of interviews.
Marshall: [to the mirror] You are flexible on salary, you're willing to compromise, you're not gonna cry this time.
Future Ted: Too many interviews.
Marshall: [to the mirror] You are sad, you are beaten down, you will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants and take a nap.

Ted: Chinese?
Robin: Ugh.
Barney: I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.
Barney: Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
Ted: Mexican?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.

Marshall: Anyways, we never found the place. Now, eight years have passed, still... No burger.
[A man leans over from the booth behind the gang]
Man: I couldn't help but overhear.
Marshall: Okay, here we go.
Man: I know the place you're talking about.
Marshall: No, you don't.
Man: It's a place called the Corner Bistro. Great burger.
Marshall: Oh, the Corner Bistro! Huh. It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life searching for the best burger in New York City, but silly me, it never occurred to me to check the highest-rated burger in the Zagat Guide. Wow, thanks a lot, guy. Let me return the favor. Um, great cup of coffee: Starbucks. Shh.

Ted: There was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember?
[flashback:]
Barney: Get this. You know who works out at my gym? Regis Philbin.
Marshall: The autographed picture.
[at the gym:]
Regis Philbin: [lifting weights] Of course I remember the place. It was the best burger I ever had. I still have dreams about this burger. Beautiful, haunting dreams! I wake up at night screaming, "Get out of my head, burger! Get out!"
Marshall: That's the one, Mr. Philbin. Do you remember where it is?
Regis Philbin: [hits a punching bag] No! I never wrote it down. But not a day goes by that I don't regret it. Why? Why? Do you know where it is?
Marshall: No.
Regis Philbin: And if you tell me it's at the Corner Bistro, I'm gonna smack you right in the face!
Barney: No. No, we don't know where it is.
Regis Philbin: Listen, Blondie! Don't mess with me! Daddy needs his meat.
Barney: I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear!
Regis Philbin: [to Marshall] What about you, Lurch? [to Ted] And what about you, satchel-mouth? [to Barney] This is my cell. You find that burger; you call me day or night.
Barney: OK, Regis, we will, we will.
Regis Philbin: So, what are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger!

Marshall: I cannot believe we're finally gonna have this burger
Lily: Honey, I'm so excited for you. After all these interviews, after all these disappointments, you deserve a triumphant mouth full of meat.
Barney: You know what else is a mouthful? All that double-talk other banks give you. At Goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment.
Lily: Barney, I hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame.
Barney: Oh, yeah. How lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil? How lame is 3.3% APY online savings? Yeah, that's right. Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice. [laughs]

Ted: Oh, my God. I'm never brushing my teeth again unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger.