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39Quotes from ‘The Best Burger in New York’

How I Met Your Mother: The Best Burger in New York

402. The Best Burger in New York

Aired September 29, 2008

Marshall and the gang roam New York in search of the burger joint he went to his first week in the city.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually.
Barney: You know, Lil, when times are tough, I like to remember the uplifting words of my favorite song. [sings] "We'll be on your side when you need a friend. Through thick and thin you can always depend. On the world leaders in credit and banking. Goliath National Bank." Member FDIC.

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Quote from Marshall

Marshall: This isn't it.
All: What?
Marshall: It's not it.
Ted: Marshall, you might not want to hear this, but... Is it at all possible this is the same burger you had eight years ago, only it could never live up to your ridiculously high expectations?
Robin: I mean, it is just a burger.
Marshall: Just a burger? [snorts] Just a burger? Robin, it's so much more than just a burger. I mean, that first bite... Oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then, a pickle - the most playful little pickle - and then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a... a patty... of ground beef, so... exquisite... swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savories so... delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread. This is God... speaking to us through food.
Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the Internet?

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] When I first moved to New York, it was dingy, disgusting, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky and altogether terrifying, but then, sadly, the whole city started to go uphill. The streets got a little cleaner, the rents got a little higher, and one by one, the crappy old places we loved began to disappear. The Elbow Room, an old punk rock club, became a drugstore. McHale's, a working-class watering hole, became a fast-food place. And Fez, a Moroccan-themed lounge, became a bank. And not just any bank.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Goliath National Bank. The world leader in credit and banking. God, I love Goliath National Bank!
Ted: Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. And, second, why are you so excited about some bank?
Barney: Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. Took two months. Cost 2,000 jobs. It was brutal. Who wants a T-shirt? [throws one to Ted] Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. I could get you a job.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job just to go work at a bank. He's gonna be an environmental lawyer.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the plan, anyway. Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews.
Marshall: [to the mirror] You are confident, you are energetic, you are focused!
Future Ted: A lot of interviews.
Marshall: [to the mirror] You are flexible on salary, you're willing to compromise, you're not gonna cry this time.
Future Ted: Too many interviews.
Marshall: [to the mirror] You are sad, you are beaten down, you will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants and take a nap.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Chinese?
Robin: Ugh.
Barney: I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.
Barney: Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
Ted: Mexican?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Anyways, we never found the place. Now, eight years have passed, still... No burger.
[A man leans over from the booth behind the gang]
Man: I couldn't help but overhear.
Marshall: Okay, here we go.
Man: I know the place you're talking about.
Marshall: No, you don't.
Man: It's a place called the Corner Bistro. Great burger.
Marshall: Oh, the Corner Bistro! Huh. It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life searching for the best burger in New York City, but silly me, it never occurred to me to check the highest-rated burger in the Zagat Guide. Wow, thanks a lot, guy. Let me return the favor. Um, great cup of coffee: Starbucks. Shh.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: There was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember?
[flashback:]
Barney: Get this. You know who works out at my gym? Regis Philbin.
Marshall: The autographed picture.
[at the gym:]
Regis Philbin: [lifting weights] Of course I remember the place. It was the best burger I ever had. I still have dreams about this burger. Beautiful, haunting dreams! I wake up at night screaming, "Get out of my head, burger! Get out!"
Marshall: That's the one, Mr. Philbin. Do you remember where it is?
Regis Philbin: [hits a punching bag] No! I never wrote it down. But not a day goes by that I don't regret it. Why? Why? Do you know where it is?
Marshall: No.
Regis Philbin: And if you tell me it's at the Corner Bistro, I'm gonna smack you right in the face!
Barney: No. No, we don't know where it is.
Regis Philbin: Listen, Blondie! Don't mess with me! Daddy needs his meat.
Barney: I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear!
Regis Philbin: [to Marshall] What about you, Lurch? [to Ted] And what about you, satchel-mouth? [to Barney] This is my cell. You find that burger; you call me day or night.
Barney: OK, Regis, we will, we will.
Regis Philbin: So, what are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger!

Quote from Barney

Marshall: I cannot believe we're finally gonna have this burger
Lily: Honey, I'm so excited for you. After all these interviews, after all these disappointments, you deserve a triumphant mouth full of meat.
Barney: You know what else is a mouthful? All that double-talk other banks give you. At Goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment.
Lily: Barney, I hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame.
Barney: Oh, yeah. How lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil? How lame is 3.3% APY online savings? Yeah, that's right. Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice. [laughs]

Quote from Ted

Ted: Oh, my God. I'm never brushing my teeth again unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: It was funny at first, but then it became a daily thing. I thought, "Okay, well, at least he's not leaving the house like that." Then, one day, he opened the door to get the paper. Day after that, went downstairs to get the mail.
Ted: Everyone's got an underpants radius. For most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom, but as your self-esteem gets smaller, your underpants radius gets bigger.
Robin: How big is Marshall's underpants radius?
[flashback to Marshall and Lily eating at "Veggie Heaven":]
Marshall: We're going.
[Marshall stands up from the booth and is not wearing pants]

Quote from Barney

Marshall: 106. A numbered street. Of course.
Barney: [answers phone] Barney Stinson.
Regis Philbin: Barney, where the hell are you?
Barney: I'm sorry, this is...?
Regis Philbin: Regis. I'm at the place.
Barney: Oh, Regis. Of course. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I forgot to call you. That's not the place. The real place is on 106th and Manhattan Avenue. We're headed there right now.
Regis Philbin: What? Uptown? [punches a mail box] Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20. If you get there first, medium rare.
Barney: Onions?
Regis Philbin: [shouts] Onions?!
Barney: Okay, no onions.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Stop the cab!
[The gang leave the cab and start to walk down the street]
Marshall: Wait. This is it.
Man: [handing out pamphlets] Your search is over. We got girls taking off their clothes.
Marshall: This is it.
[In place of the burger joint is a Goliath National Bank ATM]
Barney: One of 9,000 convenient locations.

Quote from Barney

Lily: I'm sorry you didn't get your burger.
Marshall: It's stupid. I think about that first week in New York. You know? I was 22 years old. I had my whole future ahead of me. I guess I just kind of thought that if I could have that burger one more time and feel that way for one more night, that I might be able to check that off the list, and grow up, go work for the stupid bank, and just be happy.
Man: You know, that burger place isn't gone. It just moved to a new location. And I can tell you where that is for a hundred bucks.
Robin: [licking a wrapper] A hundred bucks? That's crazy.
Marshall: Let's pay the man.
Lily: I paid for the cab.
Ted: I don't have any cash.
Marshall: I haven't worked since March.
Barney: Oh, wow. If only there were an easy, convenient way to get some cash right now.
[As everyone turns around to face the Goliath National Bank ATM, the bank's jingle plays]
Barney: Member FDIC.

Quote from Barney

Barney: This feels so good. I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant.
Marshall: If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies.


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