TV Quotes

Ted: Guys! I hate Zoey! That means you're supposed to hate her, too! Th- That's your rule, Lily!
Lily: I tried.
Ted: Tried?! Lily, do you have any idea how many people I've blindly hated for you? I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years, only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily: Hey, I will hate her until I get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted: That's Kate Hudson!
Lily: Oh, yeah. That's who I hate. Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Ted: All right, it's dead in here. I'm gonna call it a little early.
Barney: What? No! You can't go now. It's the night before Thanksgiving. College chicks are back in town. Their moms just made a snide comment about the weight they gained. They called her a bitch, but deep down, they know she's right. And they're about to walk through that door, where we will be waiting with some light beer and some rock hard approval. Wh-What U-up?

[flashback to Lily, Marshall, Barney and Robin at MacLaren's after Ted left:]
Lily: Oh, my God. That's Zoey! That's Ted's enemy. Which means she's our enemy. Let's take this bitch down.
[present:]
Lily: Huh? Huh? Who's got your back? Now let's have dinner!
Ted: Finish the story, Red.
Lily: Okay, well, we all started brainstorming ways to mess with her. There were a lot of different ideas kicking around.
[flashback:]
Barney: And then I'm just going to leave her there... buck-naked, covered in candle wax, tied to the bed.
Marshall: Barney, I know that Ted doesn't like that girl, but that's a little extreme.
Barney: Wait, Ted doesn't like that girl?

Robin: Look, none of us meant for it to happen, but, well, we had an awesome night with her.
[flashback to Zoey landing a hat on Marshall's head at MacLaren's:]
All: The Gentleman!
[present:]
Lily: And then, the craziest thing happened.
[flashback to a dog skateboarding through MacLaren's]
Ted: I missed a skateboarding dog?
Lily: Yeah, but that wasn't the crazy part.
Ted: It wasn't?
[flashback:]
Zoey: Okay, Marshall. Truth or dare?
Marshall: Okay, awesome. Well, Lily doesn't let me do truths. So, dare.
Zoey: Okay. I dare you to send a picture of your junk to a complete stranger.
Marshall: Best idea ever!
[present:]
Marshall: Worst idea ever! My junk ended up in some stranger's pocket. If there phone was on vibrate, I basically dry-humped them.

Ted: Wait. Blitz was there, too?
The Blitz: The Gentleman! The Gentleman! Oh, I was there for the whole thing. Something inside me just said "Grand Theft Auto" can wait a night.
Barney: It was legen - wait for Ted to leave, 'cause he's now The Blitz - dary. Legendary!

Ted: Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard.
Barney: Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas.

Marshall: Hey, hey, hey! You missed it.
Lily: Oh, my goodness.
The Blitz: Our cab took a wrong turn. We were in the Thanksgiving Day parade!
Robin: Tony Bennett passed Ted the mike and he sang "Twist and Shout!"
Barney: But he's The Blitz.
Ted: No. I'm not The Blitz. I'm The Bueller. You know what this means. You're The Blitz.

Marshall: Life moves pretty fast, Barney. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.
Ted: Chicka-chicka!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in the fall of 2010, I was hosting my very first Thanksgiving. And I wanted it to be unforgettable.
Ted: Instead of stuffing, I'm going to fill the turkey with... a slightly smaller turkey. It's called a Turturkeykey!
Lily: A Turturkeykey? Mm-hmm.
Barney: Uh-uh, oh-oh.
Robin: Yeah, I was there for the "insertion." He used shoehorns. I'll be having sides.

Marshall: Yeah. You don't want to bail early, man. You could become The Blitz.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Blitz was a guy we knew in college. Sadly, he was cursed.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall "eating a sandwich" with a guy in their dorm room:]
The Blitz: Well, I'm calling it a little early.
Ted: Wha- You sure? We got big plans.
Marshall: Yeah. Remember how last week we fired up a sandwich, and we listened to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz?
Ted: Well, tonight, we're doing the same thing, only with "Weird Al" Yankovic's Greatest Hits and Apocalypse Now. We'll see what happens.
The Blitz: Nah, it's Kraft/Croft night: mac and cheese and Tomb Raider. Biz-zow!
Future Ted: You see, every time Blitz left a place, something amazing happened.
[A woman wearing only a towel enters the dorm room]
Woman: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought this was my room. [drops towel]
[later, Ted and Marshall tell The Blitz about their evening:]
Ted: Completely naked!
Marshall: Completely naked!
The Blitz: Aw, man!
Marshall: And the movie was awesome.
The Blitz: Aw, man!
Ted: At the exact moment Brando first appeared, "Weird Al" launched right into "Eat It."
The Blitz: Aw, man!