TV Quotes

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in the fall of 2010, I was hosting my very first Thanksgiving. And I wanted it to be unforgettable.
Ted: Instead of stuffing, I'm going to fill the turkey with... a slightly smaller turkey. It's called a Turturkeykey!
Lily: A Turturkeykey? Mm-hmm.
Barney: Uh-uh, oh-oh.
Robin: Yeah, I was there for the "insertion." He used shoehorns. I'll be having sides.

Marshall: Yeah. You don't want to bail early, man. You could become The Blitz.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Blitz was a guy we knew in college. Sadly, he was cursed.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall "eating a sandwich" with a guy in their dorm room:]
The Blitz: Well, I'm calling it a little early.
Ted: Wha- You sure? We got big plans.
Marshall: Yeah. Remember how last week we fired up a sandwich, and we listened to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz?
Ted: Well, tonight, we're doing the same thing, only with "Weird Al" Yankovic's Greatest Hits and Apocalypse Now. We'll see what happens.
The Blitz: Nah, it's Kraft/Croft night: mac and cheese and Tomb Raider. Biz-zow!
Future Ted: You see, every time Blitz left a place, something amazing happened.
[A woman wearing only a towel enters the dorm room]
Woman: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought this was my room. [drops towel]
[later, Ted and Marshall tell The Blitz about their evening:]
Ted: Completely naked!
Marshall: Completely naked!
The Blitz: Aw, man!
Marshall: And the movie was awesome.
The Blitz: Aw, man!
Ted: At the exact moment Brando first appeared, "Weird Al" launched right into "Eat It."
The Blitz: Aw, man!

Future Ted: [v.o.] And over the years, "The Curse of The Blitz" continued.
[flashback to The Blitz joining the gang at MacLaren's:]
The Blitz: Well, I'm gonna call it. I just got Madden 2K1, and I can't stop thinking about it.
All: See you later!
Carl: Tap's broke! Can't turn 'em off! Free beer for everyone!
[later, the gang tell The Blitz about their evening:]
Ted: Free beer for everyone!
Marshall: Free beer for everyone!
The Blitz: Aw, man!

Marshall: You know what? Ted, go ahead, leave early to do something lame. Just don't blame us if you become... The Blitz.
Ted: All right, first of all, there's nothing lame about brining a Turturkeykey, copyright pending. And secondly, I don't believe "The Curse of The Blitz" is real.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I'd live to regret those words. You see, the "Curse of Blitz" could be passed from one person to the next, at any moment. Blitz had gotten the curse from Jerry Windheim, back in freshman year, who got it years before that from Davey Beaterman. The original Blitz, Matt Blitz, was a guy who went to Wesleyan back in the '60s. He dropped out right before the school went co-ed.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And then, Thanksgiving morning...
[When Ted walks out of his bedroom, there's a hot dog cart in the apartment. Barney is sleeping on the couch next to traffic cones.]
Ted: What the hell happened here?
Robin: [with face paint on] Hey! Morning, Blitz!
Ted: Aw, man! No, no! Let's get one thing straight, okay? I am not The Blitz.
Barney: [singing] My Blitzy lies over the ocean
Barney & Marshall: [singing] My Blitzy lies over the sea My Blitzy lies over the ocean So bring back my Blitzy...
Ted: Please stop. Okay, fine.
Barney & Marshall: To me.

Lily: The Gentleman!
All: The Gentleman!
Ted: Wait! Wait! Wait! What's that? What's "The Gentleman"?
Lily: Oh, you had to be there, Blitz.
Ted: I'm not The Blitz!
[After Ted goes into the bathroom, he hears a woman yawn. He pulls back the shower curtain:]
Ted: Zoey?
Zoey: Morning, Blitz!

Ted: How could you, my best friends in the world, hang out with my mortal enemy, then let her sleep in the tub where I clean myself?!
Lily: Sorry, Ted. We can explain. After you Blitzed out last night...
Ted: I'm not The Blitz!

[flashback to Lily, Marshall, Barney and Robin at MacLaren's after Ted left:]
Lily: Well, I got it. You see that silk scarf? I'm going to steal it.
Zoey: Can I help you?
Lily: Yeah. Yeah! My name is Lily Aldrin. I'm a friend of Ted Mosby's, so you better...
Zoey: You're Lily Aldrin? The painter?!
Lily: Well, yeah.
Zoey: You're amazing! I bought a bunch of your paintings online.
Lily: That was you?!
Zoey: Yeah.
Lily: Oh! Thanks!

Ted: I'm not The Blitz!
Marshall: I'm afraid you are, Ted. You see, when you left last night, you changed the course of Blitztory.

The Blitz: I'm finally free! I mean, you have no idea what I've missed all these years: The university president's toupee being snatched by a hawk at graduation, Zeppelin reuniting at my cousin Ira's bar mitzvah, countless nip-slips, crotch shots, shooting stars and double rainbows. I've missed them all!
Barney: Well, not anymore, Blitz.
The Blitz: My name's not Blitz. My name is Steve! Colors seem so bright now. [to Ted] Thank you, Blitz.
Ted: What? No! N- n-n-n-no! N-n-no! I'm not The Blitz!

Ted: Great. So not only did you guys betray me, but you broke my oven on Thanksgiving?
Barney: Full disclosure. We also used all your butter, greasing up Lily so we could see how far we could slide her down the hall.
Lily: But if it helps, I reached 4G.
Ted: It doesn't help. 4G?

Marshall: Hey, just so you guys know, there was a tiny explosion at the sewage treatment plant across the street from our apartment, but I'm sure it's fine by now.
[later, in Marshall and Lily's apartment everyone is holding their noses:]
The Blitz: This is awesome!
Ted: It's not awesome!
Robin: I think the smaller turkey just tried to crawl further inside the bigger turkey.

Ted: No. Absolutely not. Come on. Give her a chance.
Robin: Ted, you violated a dead turkey with another dead turkey. Don't let that be in vain.

Marshall: Guys? Wait a minute. Where's Barney?
[meanwhile, in another cab:]
Barney: And here's the twist, Babaka. Because Ted left early, he's now The Blitz!
Babaka: But Barney, now you left the group. Wouldn't that put you in danger of becoming The Blitz yourself?
Barney: No. I c... Because... Step on it.

Ted: Okay, the Turturkeykey is officially cooking.
Marshall: Oh, God, that is disgusting!
Ted: Okay, guys, that's starting to hurt.
Marshall: No... no, Ted. Random number guy just sent me his wang back.
Robin: Wow. You sent a wang out, and you got a wang back.
Lily: It's a boom-a-wang.
Robin: Nice.
Lily: Thank you.
Robin: No, I meant the wang.

Zoey: Barney, could you get me some more ice?
Barney: Sure. But... no one move while I'm gone. I'm scared.
The Blitz: You're safe. It's okay to leave the room. You have to actually leave the building for something cool to happen.
Barney: Thanks. You're the only one who's nice to me about this.
[after Barney leaves, the Blitz flips a coin and it lands on its side:]
The Blitz: Okay, I got to test this.
Barney: [returning] What happened?
Lily: You missed it!
Marshall: Dude, you walked out of the room, the laws of physics stopped and the laws of awesome tripled.
Barney: Aw, man! You said I could leave the room!
The Blitz: I just wanted to see something cool happen. I'm sorry. But I was on that island for what seems like eternity. I'm going to enjoy things on the other side.

Barney: Robin, Robin. I will pay you to be The Blitz. $100! No, $10,000. No, 60 bucks. That's a lot of money for someone like you.

Marshall: Dude, The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.
Zoey: Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.
Ted: Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-caret diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.
The Blitz: Facial!

Ted: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.
Zoey: I'm coming with you.
Zoey: No... I baste alone.
Ted: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.
The Blitz: Word play. Loving it.
Zoey: But relax. I've got a ton of sides to heat up since my plans fell through.
Ted: Who canceled? Your coven?
The Blitz: Coven. Group of witches. Boom.
Zoey: Yeah. They were worn out from putting that spell on your hair.

Ted: No, no, no. You guys can't be objective. You still feel guilty about last night.
Robin: Well, let's get an outside opinion.
Ted: Who are we gonna--
Robin: [texting] "Dear Wang Guy, can enemies ever be friends? Just wondering."
Ted: Really? Wang Guy? We're asking Wang Guy?
Robin: He's bold and uninhibited, so why not? And guys, you know what? For fun, why don't we ask him what he does for a living? Wouldn't that be fun? Just ask.

Marshall: [phone chimes] Oh, look. We got an answer. Here it is. "Yes, enemies can become friends. Remember what Gandhi said. 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'"
The Blitz: Uh, did Wang Guy just quote Gandhi?
Barney: That is amazing. And I was here for it. Now Zoey is The Blitz. Ha, ha! Burn on her.
The Blitz: Come on, man. Don't be that Blitz.
Barney: I'm not any Blitz! You're The Blitz! You're all The Blitz! I slept with that cute Indian girl who cuts my hair!
Robin: What does that have to do with anything?
Barney: Nothing! I just forgot to brag about it before!

Lily: God, can't you two just stop fighting for one day? Like, when the Roadrunner and the Coyote clocked out and had a beer together? Or-Or-Or Tom and Jerry shared a cup of coffee.
Ted: Lily, those are cartoon characters, and I'm pretty sure you're making up episodes. And if Zoey is a cartoon character, she's Cinderella's evil stepmother!
Zoey: [gasps] Oh, get out. All of you, out!
Lily: But it's Thanksgiving.
The Blitz: And I'm a part of it.
Zoey: Out!

Lily: I don't get it. Why'd she just kick us out like that?
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then the cab driver said the last thing any of us wanted to hear.
Cab Driver: Where to?
Ted: I guess we're going home.
Cab Driver: Yeah. I don't know where that is.

Ted: Lily, where'd you get that?
Lily: Oh. When Zoey booted us, it made me want to steal something of hers again. Apartment full of designer labels, and what do I grab? "Happy Turkey Day, Hannah. Love, Zoey." I wonder who Hannah is.
[flashback to Zoey in the apartment the night before:]
Zoey: Hey, you guys should come to my house for Thanksgiving. My husband always spends it with his daughter, so I'm going to be alone, anyway.
[flashback to earlier:]
Zoey: Well, you're not exactly who I thought I'd be spending Thanksgiving with, either.
[flashback:]
Ted: And if Zoey is a cartoon character, she's Cinderella's evil stepmother!
Zoey: Get out! All of you, out!
[present:]
Ted: We have to go back to Zoey's.
Cab Driver: You gotta throw me some addresses, buddy.

Zoey: Oh, God. What are you doing here?
Ted: Barney let us in.
Zoey: Barney was here? I was walking around half-naked.
Barney: Aw, man! Wait. Which half?
Ted: Look, I'm sorry your stepdaughter didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with you.
Zoey: How do you know that?
Ted: I just do. It must be tough.
Zoey: It was the first Thanksgiving Hannah agreed to spend with me, and then at the last minute, she changed her mind. She hates my guts.
Ted: I get that.
Ted: Uh, you should hang on to this. You can give it to her next year.
Zoey: Yeah. Right. Next year.
Ted: Hey, you never know. People don't stay enemies forever.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's the story of how Zoey and I became friends.

Zoey: Ted, that is the best-looking turturkeykey I have ever seen.
All: Yeah.
Ted: Thank you. Let's just hope it tastes as good as it looks.
Future Ted: [v.o.] It didn't. It tasted wrong.

[flashback to Zoey, The Blitz, and the gang at MacLaren's sending a picture of Marshall's junk to a stranger:]
Zoey: Everybody shout out random numbers.
The Blitz: Um. 4, 8... 15, 16, 23, 42!