Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the heart is a mysterious muscle. You never really know what's going on in there. So after Uncle Marshall lost his father, he decided to get his heart checked. And so did I. And so did Lily. And so did Robin. And then Marshall went again just to be sure. There was only one holdout.
Barney: I don't need to go to a heart doctor. I drink every day, I sleep three hours every night, and I have multiple sex partners. I'm doing everything right.

Lily: [singsong voice] Oh, Barney's got feeling for a girl.
Barney: Yeah. Penis feelings. Because she's hot. Guys, as you know, I only have one rule...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Barney said this a lot.
Barney: I only have one rule: if you're gonna get it on in a Port-O-Potty, do it early in the day.
Barney: I only have one rule: Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel. 'Cause she's got brothers.
Barney: I only have one rule: Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
[present:]
Barney: Never go out with the same girl more than once.
Lily: Then why are you going out with Nora again?
Barney: There is an exception.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And it was always the same exception.
Barney: ...unless she's hot.
Barney: ...unless she's hot.
Barney: ...unless she's hot. Arr!
[present:]
Barney: And she is indeed hot.

Ted: Barney, come on, this is important. We need you around for a long time. Without you, we'd have to find some other sex-fueled, depraved animal to entertain us.

Marshall: Okay, Robin, what you need is indeed something that buries a bone, but I'm not talking about a dog. I'm talking about a man.
Robin: Here we go.
Marshall: You're clearly trying to fill a hole... in her heart. You feel like the seventh wheel, because now Ted is with Zoey and Barney's with Nora and Lily's with Big Fudge.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Big Fudge. "With"? I am not "with" Nora. Wrong preposition. Later tonight I'm hoping to be on Nora, right? Or under Nora, right? Or, we're all adults, I'll just say it, behind Nora.

Barney: Okay. Lily, I'm sorry that I lied about wanting to settle down.
Lily: No, that wasn't the lie. The lie was when you told Nora you were lying. Because you weren't. You want that stuff, Barney, I know you do.
Barney: [sighs] Okay. Maybe, eventually, I could settle down. 50 years from now, if I have like a Hefner thing going on with some really hot twins. But those twins won't even be born for another... 32 years.

Lily: I'm not going to let you do this. When Nora gets back here, I'm blowing the whistle.
Marshall: Just make sure it's not a high-frequency whistle, because we don't want to torture Robin's boyfriend.

Robin: Actually, I'm thinking about getting a dog again.
Lily: Oh, can she? Can she get a dog, please Dad?
Ted: No. If you get a dog, I'm going to be the one stuck taking care of it.
Robin: You wouldn't have to take care of it.
Ted: Really? And who watered the philodendron on your bookcase and sang it back to life?
Robin: Yeah, that was made out of silk, Ted.

Barney: Which is why nothing, not even God himself- Yeah, I said it, Beardy - is going to stand in the way of tonight being legend... Wait for it. [sneezes] Uh-oh.

Barney: [congested] Hey, Nora, sorry I'm late. I'm just, uh, just getting over a cold.
Nora: Oh, no. How long have you been sick?
Barney: About 20 minutes. Can't seem to shake it.
Nora: Okay, 'cause I was going to say you look a little...
Barney: Handsome? Rich? Well-endowed? [coughs, sneezes]
Nora: Huh, let's say well-endowed... with phlegm.
Barney: [coughs]
Nora: All right, let's go. It's bedtime.
Barney: The bed. That's where all the... [hacking] ...happens.

Lily: Wow, she nursed you back to health?
Barney: No. I didn't even see her boobs. She just took care of me.