Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Lily: I decided to go to Minnesota to see Marshall. He shouldn't have to help his mom through this rough time all by himself.
Barney: You losing your mind, being alone in your apartment?
Lily: I'm getting weird! [v.o.] See, it started off with me throwing Marshall's jersey on my body pillow. And, well, things kind of spiraled from there.
[flashback to Lily sitting down for dinner with a pillow wearing Marshall's suit:]
Lily: I'm sorry I yelled like that before.
[present:]
Lily: I call him "Marshpillow." And he calls me... nothing because he's a pillow.

Marshall: Lily!
Lily: Hey, you know the rules. You misbehave, I take away one of your toys. Aldrin Justice, baby.
Marshall: So you're telling me that that ashtray that's been in our apartment for over a year and a half is not only stolen, but also very expensive.
Lily: Both of those things, yes.

Barney: So did you get a good look at it?
Lily: Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach...
Marshall: But it has mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It's a cockamouse.

Ted: Hey. Um, Lily, question for you. Why did I find Mr. Druthers' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer?
Lily: That's easy. I took it.
Ted: Why?
Lily: It's simple.
[flashback:]
Mr. Druthers: I can't believe there's no horseradish for the roast beef. I guess you were sick the day they taught that at sandwich university
[another flashback:]
Mr. Druthers: [on the phone] Mother, no one from the nursing home is stealing from you. I didn't get you a birthday present.
[another flashback:]
Mr. Druthers: [knocks the ice cream out of a kid's hand] What? You gonna cry? Huh? Little crybaby's going to cry? Hey, everybody, look! The little crybaby's gonna cry! I lost my ice cream!
[back:]
Lily: Okay, I may have exaggerated that last one, but the point is, he was mean. And that's why I took away his ball.
Ted: What does his ball have to do with anything?
Lily: Druthers has to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first, but then he'd learn to stop being mean.

Robin: That was ten years ago. People evolve. I mean, are you the same person that you were in high school?
[Lily sees her African-American friend Michelle enter MacLaren's:]
Lily: Oh, hell, no!
Marshall: I think you're gonna enjoy this.
Lily: That my girl Michelle?
Michelle: Bitch, you know it!
Lily: How she livin'?
Michelle: She living only way she know how to. Large!
Lily: Oh, girl, you gots to get your drink on up in here.
Michelle: I'm hoping my fat ass can hustle me up a vodka-Gatorade.
Lily: For reals. [snaps fingers]

Future Ted: [v.o.] After that, Interventions became a pretty regular thing around our apartment.
[Lily arrives home]
Lily: [in an English accent] Cor blimey. This is a nice bloody surprise. What's this about then?
Ted: Lily, it's about the weird fake English accent.
Lily: Bollocks.

Ted: You think that's what she means by "baking cookies"?
Lily: Are you kidding? You're in the kitchen, it's getting hot, you start licking stuff off each others' fingers. Before you know it, she's bent over the marble island, and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula. And she's screaming, "Stop, Marshall, stop," but that's just code for "harder!"
Ted: Marshall's been in Minnesota a while.
Lily: So long!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, late the night before, thanks to Marshall's travel companion, Daphne, Lily had received some unsettling news. Screwing up their whole plan to move to Italy. She wasn't happy.
Lily: Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.
Barney: You want to make this brunch a drunch? You do you, I'm not gonna judge.
[flashback:]
Marshall: I'm gonna be a judge.
[present:]
Lily: Judge. [smashes glass, which is quickly replaced] Thank you, Linus.

Lily: Welcome to my new home.
Ted: Oh, wow, Lily, this is... Oh, this is all of it.
Lily: Yeah, I know it's small, but it's got character. Thank you. And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors. They're great. They're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. It's nice.
Ted: Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen?
Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom?
Lily: Oh, that's not just a stove. That's a stovinkerator: a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator. Stovinkerator. Isn't that futuristic?
Ted: God, I hope not.