Marshall: Let me get this straight. You're really telling me that when you watch The Karate Kid, you don't root for Daniel-san?
Barney: Nope.
Marshall: Who do you root for in Die Hard?
Barney: Hans Gruber, charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character.
Lily: Okay, The Breakfast Club?
Barney: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Robin: I got one. Terminator.
Barney: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end and he didn't get to kill those people? [sobbing] I'm sorry. That movie...
Ted: I am never watching a movie with you ever again.
Barney: They didn't even try to help him!

Marshall: Another guest? Who could this be? Why, it's Lily! And she's here to deliver one of your requests!
Barney: Oh, thank you, Marshall.
Lily: Oh, not that one.
[flashback to ten months earlier:]
Barney: An appearance by my all-time idol, the Karate Kid!
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Karate Kid was an uplifting '80s classic about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio, who defeats the local jerk, played by William Zabka. At least, that's how most people saw it.
Lily: Here he is, just as hot as when his Tiger Beat photo spread gave a young girl the courage to explore the suddenly unfamiliar topography of her changing body... the Karate Kid!
Ralph Macchio: Hey, Barney. It's Ralph. Listen, it's always flattering...
Barney: No! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is not the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head-kick in the most tragically haunting film ending of all time.
Ralph Macchio: Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.
Barney: Shut it, Ralph Macchio. Why don't you go have a party with Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter and War Horse and all the other movie bad guys and stop ruining mine!

Lily: Wow, Barney, it looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.
Marshall: Yeah, that sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.
Barney: Hey, Karate Kid's a great movie. It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. But he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.
Lily: Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?
Barney: No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

Barney: Everyone, everyone, thank you for an incredible bro mitzvah.
Ted: Mazel brov!
All: Mazel brov!
Barney: Mm, oh, you didn't really get everything on the list. No offense to Ralph Macchio, but he ain't the Karate Kid.
William Zabka: I couldn't agree with you more. [starts to remove clown make-up] You know, they almost didn't get me. But after 18 voice mails, I returned Robin's call. And she told me how you're one of the few people in the world who truly gets The Karate Kid movie. So when she asked if I'd help, well, my answer just had to be... Hai!
Barney: William Zabka!

Ralph Macchio: Whoa, whoa! I was promised boobs.
Lily: Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can...
Ted: Lily.
Quinn: Is that the Karate Kid?
All: Yes!
Barney: No.
Quinn: He's a lot like Barney, huh?
Barney: You take that back, madam. I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

Barney: Hey, buddy, listen. I see you wrote "N-O-period" instead of the number sign. I'm worried that might confuse the guests...
Ted: Say no more. The best man is on it.
Barney: Thanks, Ted.
[later]
Ted: Here they are, freshly penned table cards in a pretty decent Chancery, considering I only had my travel quills. Wait, why has the poker game started?
Barney: Oh, um, the best man moved the time.
Ted: No, he didn't.
Barney: Yes, he did.
Billy Zabka: Hey, Ted. Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.

Ted: Billy Zabka is your new best man?
Barney: He's the best around. Sorry, Ted. Maybe next wedding.
Ted: You're playing the best man poker game without me? Tim Gunn's here and I'm not?
Tim Gunn: I'm Barney's personal tailor. Of course I'm here. Plus I've never played poker before.
It looks like a hoot.
Ted: I moved into a dungeon. I wrote hundreds of cards. I even gave your batty Great Aunt Ida a foot massage so vigorous it put her to sleep in the lobby.
Barney: Yeah, I don't really have a Great Aunt Ida.

Ted: So, Billy, did you really think you could get away with it?
Billy Zabka: Actually, I did. I was gonna give this to Barney and say I'd driven an hour away to get a replacement from an autograph dealer. First, I needed an alibi. So I got Barney's dad a massage but signed in my name. Then I switched the Gretzky head shot with one of myself. I always travel with 2,000 of those handsome devils in the trunk of my car.
Ted: I have so many questions for you, but first... you keep 2,000 head shots of yourself in your trunk?
Billy Zabka: No one ever wants them! They only want the "good guy's" autograph! In the '80s, I was the bad guy in every movie. [v.o.] Do you know what my life has been like? Every premiere, when I came on-screen... I wasn't a bad guy in real life, just a kick-ass actor. No one got that. It happened everywhere I went. Somehow, people
always had popcorn. 25 years of getting crane-kicked in the nuts, until Barney Stinson gave me the best moment of my life.
[flashback:]
Barney: Hey. Hey, some issues just came up with Ted, so... will you be my best man?
Billy Zabka: Sure.
Barney: Thanks.
Billy Zabka's Mother: [answers phone] Hello?
Billy Zabka: Mom? [she boos] No, no, listen, listen. I just became somebody's best man.
Billy Zabka's Mother: [gasps] You can come to Thanksgiving this year!
[back:]
Billy Zabka: To Barney Stinson, I wasn't a bad guy. To Barney Stinson, I was the best man. I thought if Ted screwed up again, I'd have another shot. But I guess this time I really was the bad guy.