Karen: Hey, are those real diamond earrings?
Robin: Yes. Yes, they are. Thank you.
Karen: I didn't say I liked them.
Robin: Oh, well, I got a great deal on them, so...
Karen: Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty. [to Ted] Meet me upstairs.
Robin: They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking.

Lily: I think it's 'cause they met in high school. She was his first real girlfriend.
Marshall: We look at Karen and see a jerk. Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch his wiener besides himself, his mom, and his pediatrician.

Robin: Okay, well, it's almost 2:00 A.M. I better get ready for work.
Lily: How can they call that thing you're on a "morning show"? 4:00 a.m. is still the middle of the night. I don't see how you do it.
Robin: Well, it's been almost a month. I'm used to it. Plus the show's not half bad, right?
Marshall and Lily: Totally.
Barney: I've never seen it.
Robin: Have you guys ever watched it?
Marshall and Lily: Of course!
Barney: I've never seen it.
Robin: Really? What is your favorite segment?
Marshall and Lily: Weather.
Barney: I've never seen it.
Robin: You guys have never seen my show.
Marshall and Lily: Sorry. It's true.
Barney: That's what I've been saying.

Barney: Hey, hey, we shouldn't be celebrating. Ted's just been through a bad breakup. [starts backing out of the room] Look, buddy, tell us everything. Tell us what happened. Seriously, spare no details. What did she say? What did you say? How did it feel? If you were to do it again, all over, would you maybe... [disappears]

Marshall: Why do you have to look good all the time?
Barney: Marshall, let me tell you a little story about something that happened a couple months back.
[flashback to Barney asleep in bed. The door bell rings, he instantly wakes up and gets out of bed in his suit pajamas. He answers the door to two scantily clad women]
Woman #1: We were just having a "Who's hornier" contest and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves.
Woman #2: Nice pajamas.
Woman #1: Can we use your shower?
[present:]
Ted: That's not a memory. That's from a porn movie.
Lily: Not just any movie. That's the exact scene from... Never mind.
Barney: The point is it could happen. And if it did, and I didn't look my absolute best for those greasy sluts, I'd regret it forever.

Barney: Marshall's wearing a nightgown! Marshall's wearing a nightgown! Hey, guys, you know how in the future we're always saying "Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown"? This is that time!
Marshall: It's a nightshirt.
Barney: You can call it a Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want. Doesn't make you any less of a cross-dresser.
Marshall: Whatever, dude. It's comfy.
Barney: So, flying to Neverland with Peter and Tink, was that amazing? Ooh, let me go next! Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded bed and take Charlie to the chocolate factory? Ooh, me, me, me, me! Um, something about Scrooge! Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team.

Ted: Who else?
Lily: Remember that weird sci-fi girl who wanted you to propose after, like, two months? You barely even liked her, but you were still thinking about it, so...
[flashback to Ted and Marshall, dressed as Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca, in line outside the movie theater. A woman in a Darth Vader costume approaches them.]
Lily: Listen, Ted, you're great, and this is so difficult, but I think we're looking for different things. So, live long and prosper. Or whatever.
[present:]
Ted: That was you? This is insane!

Barney: So you're this comfy every night, and Lily still has sex with you?
Marshall: Yeah. That's what marriage is all about, man, unconditional love. You can wear whatever you want and still get laid.
Barney: Tell me more about being married.
Marshall: Well, sometimes, when you're married, you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table.
Barney: And coffee, too?
Marshall: And coffee, too. Sometimes, she'll even put out a vase of freshly cut flowers.
Barney: I love flowers. And sometimes, when you're worried you've made all the wrong decisions in life and you're not nearly the man you want to be, what does she do then?
Marshall: Well, she tells you that you're great and it's all gonna be okay.
Barney: That's wonderful. And she'll help you find other girls to have sex with?
Marshall: I mean, I guess. Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand, yeah. [Barney's asleep] Mm, little guy had a big day. We'll talk about it tomorrow. Sweet dreams, slugger.

Ted: And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter what my friends think of my girlfriend, but it sure as hell matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends.
Robin: Wow. So you ended it?
Ted: Yeah. So if you want to be my plus one, Lily's a damn good cook.
Robin: Mmm. Beef pot pie, mac and cheese, homemade buttermilk biscuits.
Ted: Well, no wonder Marshall dies at 68.

Future Ted: [v.o.] In March of 2009, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend, Karen, for a few weeks. My friends could not have been less excited.
Karen: Hey, everybody.
All: Hey.
Ted: Sorry, we, uh, we can't stay long.
Barney: Oh, what a shame!
Lily: That is sad!