Barney: Ted, sure it's fun to look back at a time when you were a fresh-faced farm girl with a virgin's glow. But all that stuff, Ohio, Karen, college? All that was B.S. Before Stinson. Now, your life is awesome! I mean, yeah, you still live with your ex-girlfriend which is ridiculous. Your Laser Tag chops are almost nonexistent. And your wardrobe! It's like, what? Are you allergic to quality fabrics? Seriously Ted, shape up! What were we talking about?

Ted: So Karen in New York, weird, right?
Lily: Ted, you cannot get back together with Karen.
Ted: I never said I was going to get back together with her. But I was thinking she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall: No, Ted. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, it would be the fourth worst thing. Number 1, super volcano. Number 2, an asteroid hits the Earth. Number 3, all footage of Evel Knievel is lost. Number 4, Ted calls Karen. Number 5, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.

Robin: Wait. This happen in our apartment? Where was I?
Ted: You know, those sleeping pills you're taking to keep on your crazy new schedule? I think they're stronger than you realize.
[flashback to Ted and Karen moving from the couch to his bedroom in the apartment. They pass Robin, who is passed out at the desk:]
Robin: [talking in her sleep] La Fontaine gets the puck to Turgeon. Turgeon shoots. Glove save!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Back in 2009, your Aunt Robin got a job hosting a morning show Which meant she had to get up kind of early. How early?
[1.45 a.m. at MacLaren's:]
Robin: Morning everybody.
Marshall: Hey, Robin. So you're actually doing it? You're actually going to work at 2:00 a.m.?
Robin: Hey, I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for the fans.
Marshall: Who exactly are the fans of a show that airs at 4:00 in the morning?
Lily: People getting up to host a show at 5:00 in the morning.
Ted: Meth addicts who haven't sold their TVs yet?
Barney: Strippers in that messy gray area between getting off work and getting their kids up for school?
Robin: Them's my peeps.

Barney: Number 2, they want to kill you. Like when I had lunch with Wendy.
[flashback to Barney having lunch with Wendy:]
Wendy: I'm glad we could finally do this. You know, after that ninth time you rescheduled on me, I almost gave up on you.
Barney: But you didn't. You just kept on trying.
Wendy: By the way, there's something I've been meaning to give you.
Barney: Gun! She's got a gun! [runs out]
Wendy: It's a tie.

Barney: Number 3, they actually do want to give you your stuff back.
Robin: Like when I had lunch with Curt.
[flashback to Robin having lunch with Curt:]
Curt: By the way, there's something I've been meaning to give you? [removes a gun]
Robin: My snub-nosed. 38 police special. I knew I left that somewhere. Every time I watch the news, I'm like, "Hope that wasn't my gun." [laughs]
Curt: Breaking up was the right choice.

Barney: Or number 4, to rub your face in how great they're doing.
Marshall: Like my lunch with Nicole Barsamian.
Robin: Who's Nicole Barsamian?
Marshall: My ex.
[flashback to 8-year-old Marshall having lunch with Nicole Barsamian in the school cafeteria:]
Marshall: Hello, Nicole.
Nicole: You look well, Marshall.
Marshall: You look okay, I guess.
Nicole: I'm seeing someone.
Marshall: Already? Who?
Nicole: Lee Roberts. He reads at a fifth grade level.

Ted: We had great time, catching up. We even laughed about what jerks we were back then.
[flashback to Ted and Karen having dinner recently:]
Karen: I can't believe I had a beret for each day of the week.
Ted: I can't believe I had an iron-on image of Moliere on my backpack.
Karen: Man, we were pretentious.
Ted: So pretentious.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Karen: Hi, um, I don't want to cause a scene but your wine list has a Chateauneuf du Pape listed under the Cote de Provence. You might want to alert your sommelier
Waiter: And, for you?
Ted: I hate to go off-menu but, can you bring us some bruschett with fresh mozzarell? Grazie.

Lily: Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today and you're still the stupidest person at this table.
Ted: Okay, Lily, let's be honest. We both know your real motivation here, you hate Karen, because, she lingered.
Lily: You son of a bitch!
Robin: What do you mean, she lingered?
Lily: February 5, 1998. I was painting.
[flashback to Lily painting a picture of a nude Marshall:]
Karen: [enters] Sorry, I... [slowly backs out] Sorry... I... [returns] You know, that color palette is a bit derivative of early Van Gogh, don't you think?
[present:]
Lily: Cheat on Ted, criticize my painting, whatever that's your business. But I catch you, peeping on my man's junk, and you linger! You gots to get got!

Robin: All right, catch me up. What's been going on?
Marshall: You know... The yoozh.
Barney: Really, the yoozh?
Marshall: Yes.
Barney: Robin ,think of the funniest thing that has ever happened.
Robin: Got it.
Barney: Now double that.
Robin: So, a chimpanzee wearing two texudos?
Barney: Something even funnier than that happens to Marshall today.
Marshall: Okay, first of all, there's nothing funnier than that. Second of all, look it's... It's not that good a story.