Ted: I haven't seen her in three weeks. She won't return my calls. Look, I shouldn't go.
Marshall: You should definitely go. Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her.
Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better, triple threat: hotter and bigger boobs.
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again.

Robin: You okay?
Lily: Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm just exhausted from work. The stupid school board took away nap time in all kindergarten classes and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. It's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap.
Robin: Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? Is that safe?
Lily: Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me?

Ted: Yeah, put me down for two.
Robin: Really? It's three months away.
Ted: I know, but guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. I have a feeling Victoria's going to be around for a long time.
[3 months later:]
Marshall: I'm going to miss Victoria.
Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin's still pissed at me after... you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were so you could try to nail Robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night?
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know."

Ted: Barney, I'm not bringing a date. Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours.
Barney: So get an escort.
Ted: By "escort," you mean prostitute?
Barney: Why not?
Ted: Because... gross?
Barney: Oh, gross. What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Marshall: You really think that's true?
Barney: Oh, yeah. I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered.

Barney: Come on, Ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun.
Ted: Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with?
Barney: Yes.
Ted: No! It's illegal. And did I mention gross?
Barney: That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prostitute?
Marshall: You just made that up.
Barney: Withdrawn.
Marshall: Lawyered.

Barney: Ted, you need a lady. And I've got the next best thing, Mary. She lives in my building. She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool.
Ted: Oh, she sounds great. And who knows? Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp.
Barney: You want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? That's racism. And I do not drink with racists. Good day. [long silence]
Ted: You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can interrupt...
Barney: I said good day!

Mary: Hey, you know that scene in Empire where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning?
Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love. Damn, you just got even hotter.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize, this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great.

Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting until you're in a serious relationship with someone else?
Ted: I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened.
Robin: And just like that, it's all okay. Roll credits.
Ted: So you're going to be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now?
Robin: We're still friends.
Ted: Are we? You don't return my calls, we never hang out and now you're trying to make my jealous by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?
Robin: Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?
Ted: Oh, so now she's a whore?

Barney: Do it. Come on, Ted, do it. This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity. What up! Statistic: Men who have had at least one relationship with a prostitute are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships.
Marshall: You just made that up.
Barney: Withdrawn.
Marshall: Lawyered.

Ted: Well, it's getting late. I should get back to my room.
Barney: Your room?
Ted: Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card-- never checked out. By the way, you know what's super fun? Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain. Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles. [exits]
Marshall: Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.