Inspector: All right, good news. I think we'll be out of here early.
Ted: Really?
Inspector: Yep. I finished downstairs and the outside. Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find, besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage, the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards... Hey, look at that, no termites.
Ted: Ooh.
Inspector: The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen, which is fine, but the trim really clashes with the countertops. Or I could just recommend that you do not buy this godforsaken Guantanamo Bay of a house, and suggest that we all get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind blows the whole sumbitch down.
Ted: What if... What if I already bought the sumbitch?
Inspector: Well, I will check out the upstairs. [laughs]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, everyone has one or two moments when they make a huge, crazy decision that changes their lives forever. This is the story of mine. It all started with a visit from my mom and her long-time boyfriend, Clint, who was always saying stuff like...
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.
Clint: As a painter/songwriter/volunteer fear fighter, I find her incredibly sexual. But you have your own sexual memories with your mom, don't you?
Ted: Please don't.
Clint: Exiting her womb. Receiving her milk. You get me? Good.

Clint: Hello, everyone. Mahalo for being here with us. My entire life - well, this life - I've waited for a muse like Virginia. Baby, this is your song. [singing and playing guitar] When I squeeze her trembling bosom
Ted: Oh, God.
Clint: The blood pumps to my loins When I penetrate her...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I swear to God, I blacked out for the next 12 minutes. So I have no idea how the song got to this ending.
Clint: And Mahatma Gandhi And the pancakes - Everyone - And the dragon
All: And the dragon
Clint: And you, Virginia

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I can't overstate how horrible it is to be the single guy at your own mother's second wedding.
[montage of wedding guests talking to Ted:]
Man #1: So, Ted, when's your wedding?
Man #2: So, Ted, when's your wedding?
Woman #1: When's your wedding?
Woman #2: When's your wedding?
Woman #3: When's your wedding?

Marshall: Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe, let somebody who isn't having some sort of manic episode drive for a while?
Lily: Yeah. And where the hell are we going?
Ted: First, let me tell you what happened the night of the wedding. [v.o.] Watching my mom get married, I realized how far behind I was in my own life. I just had to get out of there. So I went back to my hotel room, and got onto this web site I sometimes visit when I can't sleep.
All: No, no, no, no.
Lily: We do not want to know what you and the Internet do when you're lonely.
Ted: I didn't. I... That's not the part of the night I was talking about.

Lily: Ted, this is insane. This is gonna take years, and a small fortune to make livable.
Ted: I'm an architect. I'll find a way. And if I start right now, it'll be done by the time the old wifey and I are ready to move in.
Barney: Is she in the room with us right now, Ted?

Marshall: All right. We've all done some stupid things in our lives. For example, I remember a time when I dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet, and I tried to dry them off in the microwave.
Robin: You must've been drunk off your ass.
Barney: No. Too stupid to be an adult. He was obviously a kid when that happened.
Robin: A kid? How does a kid even get...
Barney: Who puts a bottle rocket in a microwave?
Marshall: Oh, my God. Guys, great new game. "Drunk or Kid?" Which one was I? Lock in your guesses.
Robin & Lily: Drunk.
Barney & Ted: Kid.
Marshall: Drum roll, please. I was... Drunk.

Marshall: All right. Let's all remember that we've all done some stupid things in our lives, okay? For example, I once tried to ride my bike down an extension ladder from the roof of a two-story house. The only looming question is, was I drunk or a kid?
Robin & Barney: Drunk.
Ted & Lily: Kid.
Marshall: Drum roll, please. I was...
[flashback:]
Judy Eriksen: Marshall's dead. Marshall's dead. Marshall!
[present:]
Marshall: A kid. Moms, right? Just always making a big deal out of nothing. Came out of that coma in under a week.

Inspector: Uh... You got leaky pipes. But the bright side, the pond in your basement is drowning some of the larger, slower rats. The rest of them, well, they're headed this way.
Lily: See, you should've waited to find out the problems with this house.
Ted: You can always find problems with any decision. But you can't let that stop you. Freshman year, Marshall knew right away he wanted to spend his life with you. What if someone had been there to second-guess that decision?
[flashback to Marshall's college dorm:]
Lily: Bye. [exits]
Marshall: I know we've only been on two dates, but, damn it, Lily Aldrin, I'm... I'm gonna marry you.
Inspector: Not so fast. [gets Lily back] We got some structural issues here. These hips are not Eriksen-baby compliant. And this thing right here does not have a proper filter. That's a maintenance issue that's never gonna go away. And I know you think that you like this gothic exterior now, but deep down, didn't you always
picture yourself in something Spanish? I recommend you look into the rental option.
[present:]
Ted: But Marshall took that leap of faith, and it's the best thing that ever happened to you both.

Barney: It was Robin. [gasps] "What?" Yes! It was Robin who cried at Clint's song. "But she said..." I know what she said. But here's what she didn't want you to know.
[flashback to earlier at the house:]
Robin: Listen, Barney, I can't stand all these jokes about me crying. If I pretend to reveal that you were the one who cried, will you go along with it?
Barney: Sure.
Robin: I made a mistake letting you go, didn't I? Your penis is enormous.
[present:]
Lily: Oh, dude, you almost had us.
Marshall: You always take it one too far.
Barney: Damn it.