Barney: I don't take flyers.
Marshall: You took one two seconds before you walked in here.
Barney: That's different. It was for a strip club. Two bucks off wings. How much is your flyer going to save me on wings?
Lily: Fine. It's a flyer from my play.
Barney: Oh, Lily, I'd love to, but we're not in college and I'm not trying to sleep with you. So anyway, this mermaid...
Marshall: Hey, Lily's friend asked her to be in this play, and it's gonna be really good.
Barney: Lily, I love you, but we're too old for this. Asking someone to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me: Friends don't let friends come see their crappy play.

Barney: Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
Barney: Moist.
Future Ted: And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.
[Barney shoots a squirt gun at Lily]
Barney: I have to go refill. I'll be back in a moment. Play's not over.
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.
Future Ted: And then it just got weird.
Barney: [in a robot costume] Feelings. Inside. Oh, no! [robot noises]
Future Ted: And when that didn't work...
[Barney plays the recorder]
Lily: Okay! Stop! You win. Fine. Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.

[At Barney's play:]
Barney: [singing] The robot found love Confusing my circuitry My software's been hacked Toaster oven You're the one for me Two, three, four.
[Marshall stands up and slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's two.

Barney: Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.
Robin: Or a Danby's. [nobody laughs] What, they don't have Danby's in the US? Really? Well, then were do you get Grizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches?
Ted: Just stop, sweetie.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the key to a good relationship is communication. You need to talk.
Robin: How about Mimi's?
Ted: Nah, I don't really feel like Mimi's.
Robin: Well, I'm hungry. Let's just pick a place and go.
Ted: Oh, you know where we should go? Cynthia's. You love that place, remember what a great time we had the last time we were there?
Robin: We did?
Ted: Yeah, yeah. We had that crazy waiter who kept going, "You two should get married! You two should get married!"
Future Ted: [v.o.] It's also important to know when to stop talking.
Ted: Come on. Then we stepped outside. It was raining. It was so romantic? How can you not remember this?
Robin: Because it wasn't me.
Ted: Oh, right! It was... my sister.

Future Ted: [v.o.] You see, by the time you've hit your late 20s, you've dated a few people, but when you're in a relationship, it's common courtesy to pretend that you haven't.
Ted: Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on. Remember when we went to see it? We sat in the back row.
Robin: I've never seen Van Helsing.
Ted: That's right. I saw it with my sister.

Robin: My boss just got back from Maui. He said it was really romantic.
Ted: Oh, it's so romantic.
Robin: When were you in Maui?
Ted: I... went... with my sister.

[flashback:]
Robin: Damn, my face is so dry. Is there any moisturizer around here?
Ted: Yeah, there's some in the bathroom. Got to moisturize! Got to keep that pretty face moist.
[back to MacLaren's:]
Lily: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Barney: What's wrong with her?
Marshall: She hates that word.
Barney: What word, "moist"?
Lily: No! Seriously, stop!

Lily: Ah, the age-old question: after you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?
Robin: Question? Ain't no question, girl. Obviously, he's got to get rid of it.
Ted: Which is obviously crazy and obviously, I'm not gonna do it.
Robin: So we agreed that we would let you guys decide.
Ted: Yeah, like we did with Marshall's pants.
Barney: Ah, the 2005 landmark case of Lily v. The Joey Buttafuoco Pants.

[flashback to 2005:]
Marshall: Nice, right?
Robin: I'm gonna have to say no. I don't want some 16-year-old girl falling in love with you and then shooting Lily in the face.
Lily: Yes!
Barney: I vote they can stay. "Check out the jackass in the parachute pants" is a good icebreaker.
Marshall: Ted. Ted? Ted?
Ted: Sorry, buddy, it's a "no" for me, too. Oh, and by the way, Bell Biv DeVoe called. Even they don't want those pants back.
[present:]
Marshall: They were insanely comfortable! They were like pajamas you could wear outside.
Barney: Marshall, it's over. We even gave you an appeal and they didn't look any better with combat boots.