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34Quotes from ‘Stuff’

How I Met Your Mother: Stuff

216. Stuff

Aired February 19, 2007

Robin is uncomfortable when she finds out how much of the stuff in Ted's apartment was given to be him by his past girlfriends. Meanwhile, Barney puts on his own one-man-show to get revenge on Lily for making him see her terrible play.

Quote from Marshall

[At Barney's play:]
Barney: [singing] The robot found love Confusing my circuitry My software's been hacked Toaster oven You're the one for me Two, three, four.
[Marshall stands up and slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's two.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: I don't take flyers.
Marshall: You took one two seconds before you walked in here.
Barney: That's different. It was for a strip club. Two bucks off wings. How much is your flyer going to save me on wings?
Lily: Fine. It's a flyer from my play.
Barney: Oh, Lily, I'd love to, but we're not in college and I'm not trying to sleep with you. So anyway, this mermaid...
Marshall: Hey, Lily's friend asked her to be in this play, and it's gonna be really good.
Barney: Lily, I love you, but we're too old for this. Asking someone to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me: Friends don't let friends come see their crappy play.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
Barney: Moist.
Future Ted: And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.
[Barney shoots a squirt gun at Lily]
Barney: I have to go refill. I'll be back in a moment. Play's not over.
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.
Future Ted: And then it just got weird.
Barney: [in a robot costume] Feelings. Inside. Oh, no! [robot noises]
Future Ted: And when that didn't work...
[Barney plays the recorder]
Lily: Okay! Stop! You win. Fine. Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.

Quote from Robin

Barney: Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.
Robin: Or a Danby's. [nobody laughs] What, they don't have Danby's in the US? Really? Well, then were do you get Grizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches?
Ted: Just stop, sweetie.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Thank you, Lily. Is there anything you'd like to say about my show?
Lily: No. No, I have nothing nice to say about your show. You were right, Barney. Let's go to the bar.
Barney: Yes! I win! I love winning! Oh, Lily. Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily. I was just getting warmed up, man!
Lily: Well, I imagine it was pretty awful, so let's go.
Barney: Pretty awful? Pretty awful?! It was a masterpiece of awful. It's genius how bad it is. I kind of wish you guys could see it.
Lily: Yeah, well, anyway.
Barney: Act two is where I really hit my stride. Spoiler alert: the robot falls in love.
Lily: How about this, Barney? How about we stay and-and watch the rest of your show?
Barney: It's your funeral. Five, six, one, two.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So we stayed and let Barney torture us for another hour and a half, 'cause that's what friends do, apparently.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the key to a good relationship is communication. You need to talk.
Robin: How about Mimi's?
Ted: Nah, I don't really feel like Mimi's.
Robin: Well, I'm hungry. Let's just pick a place and go.
Ted: Oh, you know where we should go? Cynthia's. You love that place, remember what a great time we had the last time we were there?
Robin: We did?
Ted: Yeah, yeah. We had that crazy waiter who kept going, "You two should get married! You two should get married!"
Future Ted: [v.o.] It's also important to know when to stop talking.
Ted: Come on. Then we stepped outside. It was raining. It was so romantic? How can you not remember this?
Robin: Because it wasn't me.
Ted: Oh, right! It was... my sister.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] You see, by the time you've hit your late 20s, you've dated a few people, but when you're in a relationship, it's common courtesy to pretend that you haven't.
Ted: Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on. Remember when we went to see it? We sat in the back row.
Robin: I've never seen Van Helsing.
Ted: That's right. I saw it with my sister.

Quote from Ted

Robin: My boss just got back from Maui. He said it was really romantic.
Ted: Oh, it's so romantic.
Robin: When were you in Maui?
Ted: I... went... with my sister.

Quote from Lily

[flashback:]
Robin: Damn, my face is so dry. Is there any moisturizer around here?
Ted: Yeah, there's some in the bathroom. Got to moisturize! Got to keep that pretty face moist.
[back to MacLaren's:]
Lily: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Barney: What's wrong with her?
Marshall: She hates that word.
Barney: What word, "moist"?
Lily: No! Seriously, stop!

Quote from Barney

Lily: Ah, the age-old question: after you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?
Robin: Question? Ain't no question, girl. Obviously, he's got to get rid of it.
Ted: Which is obviously crazy and obviously, I'm not gonna do it.
Robin: So we agreed that we would let you guys decide.
Ted: Yeah, like we did with Marshall's pants.
Barney: Ah, the 2005 landmark case of Lily v. The Joey Buttafuoco Pants.

Quote from Marshall

[flashback to 2005:]
Marshall: Nice, right?
Robin: I'm gonna have to say no. I don't want some 16-year-old girl falling in love with you and then shooting Lily in the face.
Lily: Yes!
Barney: I vote they can stay. "Check out the jackass in the parachute pants" is a good icebreaker.
Marshall: Ted. Ted? Ted?
Ted: Sorry, buddy, it's a "no" for me, too. Oh, and by the way, Bell Biv DeVoe called. Even they don't want those pants back.
[present:]
Marshall: They were insanely comfortable! They were like pajamas you could wear outside.
Barney: Marshall, it's over. We even gave you an appeal and they didn't look any better with combat boots.

Quote from Ted

Lily: All right, well, let's hear the arguments. Ted, you go first.
Ted: Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends is no big deal. I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano, I don't think of Jeannie Radford, I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe. And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses. I remember when I was broke, just out of college, and I really needed a lamp. And when I see that throw pillow, I don't think of Lauren Stein. I think of that weird orange-brown stain and how it got there.
Marshall: Creamsicle and turkey gravy, not at the same time.

Quote from Barney

Lily: I got to side with Robin. She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it.
Marshall: I've got to side with Ted. Just 'cause you still have something an ex girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you're holding onto her.
Ted: All right, Barney. It all comes down to you.
Barney: I side with Robin.
Ted: What?
Barney: Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] So I had no choice. I packed up everything I had gotten from ex-girlfriends. It was painful, but not as painful as what I had to endure later that night. New York is famous for its theater, but there's many different levels. There's Broadway, off-Broadway, off-off-Broadway, homeless people screaming in the park, and then below that, the play Aunt Lily was in.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Ted: Totally. I had no idea Greed was the killer.
Robin: And when it became a play within a play, I was, like, "Now we are really cookin'!"
Barney: Wow, Lily, that sucked!
Marshall: Barney!
Barney: What? It was terrible. I mean, come on. You guys agree, right? Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest 'cause, you know, we're friends.
Lily: No, friends make each other feel good. They build each other up and support them. That's what being a good friend is about.
Barney: Yeah, if you're a Smurf.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, I almost forgot. Flyers for my new play.
Lily: Very funny.
Barney: Oh, it's not a joke. It's my one-man show premiering tomorrow night. And even though it's terrible and excruciatingly long, I expect you all to be there since we're such good friends.
Lily: Oh, we'll be there.
Barney: Unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong.
Lily: Never.
Barney: Good. Okay, I gotta go rehearse. Oh, I almost forgot. Bring a poncho. The first three rows get wet.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Aw, you know, if I were five dogs, I'd rather live on a farm than in an apartment in Brooklyn.
Robin: Yeah. I could visit them on weekends. My aunt is awfully lonely up there. It's just her and her lover, Betty.
Lily: Oh, that's perfect. They love dogs.
Robin: "They"? What do you mean by "they"?
Lily: Uh... Uh.... Uh... People upstate. Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!


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