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37Quotes from ‘Benefits’

How I Met Your Mother: Benefits

412. Benefits

Aired January 12, 2009

After Ted and Robin get on each other's nerves as roommates, they discover that being friends with benefits helps avoid arguments. Meanwhile, Marshall is too embarrassed to use the bathroom at work.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace?
[flashback to Barney talking to Ted at MacLaren's:]
Barney: So I explained to her. I said, Madeline, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension.
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers. Next.
Ted: Apartheid?
Barney: Apart thighs. What else you got?
Ted: Cold War?
Barney: "Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants."

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Quote from Barney

Ted: Sorry I'm late. I was just jammin' on Scherbatsky. She used up all my stamps, so long story short, the postman rang twice. You must bump this!
Barney: That's... just... so... Excuse me for a second.
[later, Barney finds the dumpster behind MacLaren's is empty. He goes to an electronics store]
Barney: So, you're saying plasmas are better for low light, but LCDs are better for games?
Clerk: Right, but the CRTs have the truest blacks.
Barney: So, if I want a really crisp contrast ratio...
Clerk: The CRT's deep-pixel cell structure produces a resolution you just can't match with an LCD.
Barney: Oh, I'll take the CRT.
[later, Barney smashes the TV in the alley behind MacLaren's]

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Nobody likes to read a magazine at work and if they say that they do, then they're not human.
Barney: Dude, I read a magazine at work every day. I can't tell you how many meetings I've been late to because I was busy "reading a magazine." But I don't feel bad about it. That's my time. Sure, "reading a magazine" ain't pretty, but, you know, it's something I gotta do. So why be ashamed about it? Wait, "reading a magazine" means masturbating, right?

Quote from Robin

Robin: God, what is going on? When we were dating each other, we were practically living together and we didn't drive each other this crazy.
Ted: I know. What happened?
Robin: You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It solves all disputes.

Quote from Marshall

Robin: What are you even doing here?
Marshall: I was on my way to work and I just had to drop by here to... read this magazine. In... that room over there.
Ted: Oh, I get it. No problem, buddy.
Robin: Uh, yes, a problem, buddy. You came all the way over here to read a magazine? I'm willing to bet that
there is a place to read a magazine at work. You know, a room with a little man on the door?
Marshall: Uh, okay, Robin. Come on. Nobody likes to read a magazine at work. I mean, you walk out of your office holding a magazine and that magazine is saying one thing and one thing only.
[fantasy scene of Marshall at work:]
Heidi: [on Teen Weekly magazine cover] Hey everyone, look at what Marshall's about to do!
Spencer: [on Teen Weekly magazine cover] Marshall's about to read a big ol' magazine in the bathroom that you all share with him. [laughs]

Quote from Robin

Robin: Look, guys, we've got this covered, okay? No one's gonna get hurt. We set up ground rules.
[flashback to Ted and Robin in the apartment:]
Ted: Rule number one, this is strictly a physical relationship. There are no feelings involved, okay?
Robin: Oh, please, that's like telling the Fonz to be cool.
Ted: And since it's just physical, we don't have to worry about romance, right?
Robin: Hell, no. Ooh, we can do it while we watch TV!
Ted: Totally! And we can multi-task. You know, use the sex to spice up otherwise dull activities.
Robin: Like folding laundry.
Ted: Paying bills.
Robin: Cooking dinner.
Ted: That doesn't seem hygienic.
Robin: Yeah, not that one.

Quote from Robin

Ted: And there's something kind of liberating about not taking it all too seriously.
Robin: Last night, we actually did it while I was returning a bunch of phone calls.
Marshall: I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!
Barney: [returns, laughs unconvincingly] Awesome, we're still talking about this!
Robin: Look, guys, this is a private thing between me and Ted.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Private Thing. [everyone else groans]

Quote from Robin

Ted: No. It didn't mean anything. It was just some leftover reflex from when we were a couple. But I think I probably blew it.
Barney: Definitely. It is so over.
Marshall: Hold the phone. Maybe Robin didn't think it was weird.
[elsewhere:]
Robin: It was weird. Weird... W-I-E-R-D. Weird.
Lily: That's not how you spell "weird."
Robin: Come on, Lily. Nobody likes a Ted.

Quote from Barney

[When Ted arrives back in the apartment, Barney is carrying out bags of trash]
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: Oh, well, since all these roomie squabbles are still causing friction between you and Robin, I thought I'd help out. Oh, BTW, I went by the post office today. I picked you up some stamps. Here's ten thousand. That oughta do.
Ted: Oh. Thanks, I guess. You want a beer? [opens the fridge] Whoa!
Barney: Yeah, I picked those up on the way over. It was nothing.
Ted: Did you buy us a dishwasher?
Barney: No. That dishwasher's always been there. How long have you lived here? [removes tag from the dishwasher]

Quote from Barney

Ted: You're in love with Robin. That's why you don't want us hooking up.
Barney: What? That is crazy talk. Can't a bro clean another bro's apartment like bros do?
Ted: Name me one bro in the history of bros who has ever done that.
Barney: I'll name two, Misters Clean and Belvedere.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Look, this thing with me and Robin, it's totally casual. I'm not gonna freak out if you tell me you have feelings for her. So, do you?
Barney: No. No, I don't. I don't, no. I don't. I don't. No. Robin is all yours, dude. Have fun with her. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sleep with other girls.
Ted: Are you sure?
Barney: Yes!
Ted: Positive?
Barney: Absolutely.
[cut to Barney in a chair. As the camera pans out, we see that Barney is talking to Lily's class of kindergarteners:]
Barney: And then I stormed out. Why did I do that? I mean, maybe it goes back to my father issues, but... I basically gave my best friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams. I totally sabotaged myself. And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking.
Lily: Get out.
Barney: But it's feelings hour and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear. And whoever's holding Feely the Share Bear gets to sit in the share chair.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Barney, this is not your private therapist's office. These kids have issues to talk about, too, you know. Ben's parents are getting divorced.
Ben: They are?
Lily: Who wants to do some coloring?

Quote from Marshall

Barney: Oh, great, did Lily send you? I don't have the bear, okay? I'm not giving it back! Why are you smiling?
Marshall: Oh, I just... read a magazine. Here at work.
Barney: What?
Marshall: Yeah. It's the funniest thing. I was online, looking up rates for hotels when I realized something.
[flashback:]
Marshall: This is stupid.
[back:]
Marshall: I decided it was time to let go of my hang-ups and do the thing I gotta do and once I made that decision, everything changed.
[flashback to Marshall carrying a magazine down the corridor:]
Woman: [inner monologue] There's a young man who's comfortable with who he is.
Man: [inner monologue] I know what you're about to do and I respect you for it.
Bilson: [inner monologue] Hey, Eriksen. Go the distance.
Kim Kardashian: [on magazine cover] You made a brave step today. Remember what Shakespeare wrote, "Virtue is bold, and goodness never fearful."
Marshall: You're right, Super hot lady who my wife keeps telling me why you're famous but I keep forgetting. Let's do this.
Kim Kardashian: Lead the way.


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