Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace?
[flashback to Barney talking to Ted at MacLaren's:]
Barney: So I explained to her. I said, Madeline, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension.
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers. Next.
Ted: Apartheid?
Barney: Apart thighs. What else you got?
Ted: Cold War?
Barney: "Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants."

Ted: Sorry I'm late. I was just jammin' on Scherbatsky. She used up all my stamps, so long story short, the postman rang twice. You must bump this!
Barney: That's... just... so... Excuse me for a second.
[later, Barney finds the dumpster behind MacLaren's is empty. He goes to an electronics store]
Barney: So, you're saying plasmas are better for low light, but LCDs are better for games?
Clerk: Right, but the CRTs have the truest blacks.
Barney: So, if I want a really crisp contrast ratio...
Clerk: The CRT's deep-pixel cell structure produces a resolution you just can't match with an LCD.
Barney: Oh, I'll take the CRT.
[later, Barney smashes the TV in the alley behind MacLaren's]

Marshall: Nobody likes to read a magazine at work and if they say that they do, then they're not human.
Barney: Dude, I read a magazine at work every day. I can't tell you how many meetings I've been late to because I was busy "reading a magazine." But I don't feel bad about it. That's my time. Sure, "reading a magazine" ain't pretty, but, you know, it's something I gotta do. So why be ashamed about it? Wait, "reading a magazine" means masturbating, right?

Robin: God, what is going on? When we were dating each other, we were practically living together and we didn't drive each other this crazy.
Ted: I know. What happened?
Robin: You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It solves all disputes.

Robin: What are you even doing here?
Marshall: I was on my way to work and I just had to drop by here to... read this magazine. In... that room over there.
Ted: Oh, I get it. No problem, buddy.
Robin: Uh, yes, a problem, buddy. You came all the way over here to read a magazine? I'm willing to bet that
there is a place to read a magazine at work. You know, a room with a little man on the door?
Marshall: Uh, okay, Robin. Come on. Nobody likes to read a magazine at work. I mean, you walk out of your office holding a magazine and that magazine is saying one thing and one thing only.
[fantasy scene of Marshall at work:]
Heidi: [on Teen Weekly magazine cover] Hey everyone, look at what Marshall's about to do!
Spencer: [on Teen Weekly magazine cover] Marshall's about to read a big ol' magazine in the bathroom that you all share with him. [laughs]

Robin: Look, guys, we've got this covered, okay? No one's gonna get hurt. We set up ground rules.
[flashback to Ted and Robin in the apartment:]
Ted: Rule number one, this is strictly a physical relationship. There are no feelings involved, okay?
Robin: Oh, please, that's like telling the Fonz to be cool.
Ted: And since it's just physical, we don't have to worry about romance, right?
Robin: Hell, no. Ooh, we can do it while we watch TV!
Ted: Totally! And we can multi-task. You know, use the sex to spice up otherwise dull activities.
Robin: Like folding laundry.
Ted: Paying bills.
Robin: Cooking dinner.
Ted: That doesn't seem hygienic.
Robin: Yeah, not that one.

Ted: And there's something kind of liberating about not taking it all too seriously.
Robin: Last night, we actually did it while I was returning a bunch of phone calls.
Marshall: I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!
Barney: [returns, laughs unconvincingly] Awesome, we're still talking about this!
Robin: Look, guys, this is a private thing between me and Ted.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Private Thing. [everyone else groans]

Ted: No. It didn't mean anything. It was just some leftover reflex from when we were a couple. But I think I probably blew it.
Barney: Definitely. It is so over.
Marshall: Hold the phone. Maybe Robin didn't think it was weird.
[elsewhere:]
Robin: It was weird. Weird... W-I-E-R-D. Weird.
Lily: That's not how you spell "weird."
Robin: Come on, Lily. Nobody likes a Ted.

[When Ted arrives back in the apartment, Barney is carrying out bags of trash]
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: Oh, well, since all these roomie squabbles are still causing friction between you and Robin, I thought I'd help out. Oh, BTW, I went by the post office today. I picked you up some stamps. Here's ten thousand. That oughta do.
Ted: Oh. Thanks, I guess. You want a beer? [opens the fridge] Whoa!
Barney: Yeah, I picked those up on the way over. It was nothing.
Ted: Did you buy us a dishwasher?
Barney: No. That dishwasher's always been there. How long have you lived here? [removes tag from the dishwasher]

Ted: You're in love with Robin. That's why you don't want us hooking up.
Barney: What? That is crazy talk. Can't a bro clean another bro's apartment like bros do?
Ted: Name me one bro in the history of bros who has ever done that.
Barney: I'll name two, Misters Clean and Belvedere.