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29Quotes from ‘Girls Vs. Suits’

How I Met Your Mother: Girls Vs. Suits

512. Girls Vs. Suits

Aired January 11, 2010

Barney must choose between his suits and a sexy new bartender. Meanwhile, Ted finds himself in "the mother's" apartment after going on a date with a student.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Look at all these guys. Oh, the sidewalk's going to smell like pee-pee now.
Robin: Well, we'd better start looking for a new bar.
Barney: What, are you... What... Are you crazy? It is a hot bartender. Do you know how long I have been waiting to land a... My friends, I have been with many women in my day. Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors, professional equestrians, amateur equestrians, [later] a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker... Yes, we're to the rhyming section now. A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser. [later] A puppeteer, a blackjack dealer, a stay-at-home mom... That's a job, too, guys. A circuit court judge...
Robin: Get to the point!
Barney: I have never, ever scored a hot bartender. Until tonight.

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] If anyone could fix something like this, it was Barney's personal tailor, TV's Tim Gunn.
Tim Gunn: I'm sorry, Barney. I couldn't make it work.
Barney: [whimpering] So young. There's nothing else you could do?
Tim Gunn: No. But there is another suit that can use the buttons from your suit.
Barney: That can... Like an organ donor?
Tim Gunn: Your suit's death could mean another suit's life.
Barney: Oh, my God. Do it. You're doing the right thing. [crying]
Tim Gunn: Please don't cry on this. It's silk.

Quote from Ted

Ted: What if Cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry, and I'm just giving up? So long, elegant yet welcoming
home in Westchester with a sensible mortgage I can handle without dipping into my savings. Bye-bye, two kids I raised with a stern yet loving hand, finding the perfect balance between father and friend. Adios, triplet schnauzers, Frank, Lloyd, and Wright.
All: Ted!
Ted: The point is, I'm not giving up, either! [kisses Barney's urn] I don't know why I just did that.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Look, Cindy, I know the university rulebook says we can't date. But it also says, "Don't teach drunk," and I do that all the time. The point is, I like you. I do. You're sweet, you're funny. You're writing a dissertation entitled "Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior." I mean, that is hot. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow. And I don't want to miss out
on knowing you.
Cindy: I don't want to miss out on knowing you, either.
Ted: Look, I got to tell you, I mean, just from looking around your room, I can tell we have a ton in common.
Cindy: Really?
Ted: The Unicorns, Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone? I have never met anyone else who has this album.
Cindy: That's my roommate's. I borrowed it.
Ted: Oh. Well, well, what about this? World's End by T.C. Boyle?
Cindy: That was a birthday gift from my roommate. Haven't checked it out yet.
Ted: Oh. Oh, you should. It's a good read. What about this? This is ridiculous. You play bass? Seriously, ask my friends. I always say, " My ideal woman... does not play bass," because this is clearly your roommate's.
Cindy: She's in a band.
Ted: Damn, that's cool.
Cindy: This is unbelievable. You just picked out the only three things in here that are my roommate's.
Ted: So, does your roommate's band ever play shows, or...
Cindy: Get out.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you probably guessed, that wasn't the night I met your mother. Although I think I glimpsed her foot. But I did get a little bit closer to meeting the woman of my dreams. And your mom? Well, she got her yellow umbrella back.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [singing] I know what you're thinking What's Barney been drinking? That girl was smoking hot Yes, I could've nailed her But no, it's not a failure 'Cause there's one thing she is not To score a ten would be just fine
But I'd rather be dressed to the nines It's a truth you can't refute Nothing suits me like a suit!
Picture a world Where all the boys and girls Are impeccably well-dressed That delivery guy in a jacket and tie That puppy in a double-breast That '80s dude with muttonchops That baby with a lollipop That lady cop who's kind of cute Nothing suits them like a suit
Choir: Suits
Barney: A wingman I can wear
Choir: Suits
Barney: They're oh, so debonair
Choir: Suits
Barney: The perfect way to snare A girl with daddy issues
Choir: Suits
Barney: In navy blue or black Check out this perfect rack I want to give them a squeeze
Marshall: Oh, really? Then answer these questions if you please [Irish accent] What would you do if you had to choose Between your suits and a pot of gold?
Barney: Suits
Ted: What would you say if you gave your suits away And in return you'd never grow old?
Barney: Suits
Robin: What would you pick? One million chicks Or a single three-piece suit?
Barney: It's moot
Lily: What if world peace Were within your reach?
Barney: [talking] I'm gonna stop you right there. It's suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.
Barney: Two, three, four [singing] Girls will go and girls will come But there's only one absolute Every bro on the go needs to know That there's no accepted substitute I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends My Sunday best are my best friends Send casual Friday down the laundry chute 'Cause nothing suits the undisputed Oft-saluted suitor of repute Like... A... Wait for it... Suit
Choir: Nothing suits him Like a suit Suit Up! Suit Up! Suit Up! Suit Up!
Barney: [talking] Then again, she is pretty hot.

Quote from Barney

Lily: What's going on? There's a huge line outside MacLaren's.
Robin: And why is it almost entirely dudes?
Barney: Only two things could cause that kind of commotion. [in MacLaren's] Boobs. Ladies and gentlemen,
MacLaren's has hired a hot bartender.

Quote from Barney

Barney: All right, wish me luck.
Lily: It's never going to happen. Barney, she's just going to pretend to like you the same way she hypnotized all these geniuses.
Barney: Yeah, but guess who's not going to fall under her spell? I'm gonna be all, " Drop the act, baby doll. Daddy needs a gin and tonic." Then when she brings it, I'll just spit it out and say, "Try again." Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs, on top. Then after a few minutes, on the bottom. Why should I do all the work?

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Later that night, I embarked upon a very important first date.
Ted: How are you?
Cindy: Good. Come in.
Future Ted: It's funny. Sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before... But you get the feeling you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And, kids, that's the first time I ever saw your mother's little yellow bus. You know the one. It's right behind you.
Ted: Hey, this is cute.
Cindy: Actually, it's my roommate's.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Whatever. Did you find out why I'm the one guy in this entire bar she seems to despise?
Marshall: I did, um... You're not going to like the answer.
[flashback to Marshall talking to Karina at the bar:]
Karina: My last three boyfriends were Wall Street guys. Bastards. So, I vowed never again to date a guy who wears suits.
[present:]
Barney: Huh! Okay, well, that's easy. All I have to do is stop wearing suits.
Robin: Oh, that's all, Barney? Come on, you're never not in a suit.
Barney: True. But for those... I mean, for that... I mean, for her, I will stop wearing... Wait for it.
Robin: We know you're going to say "suits."
Barney: ...suits.
[Marshall and Lily gasp]

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Cindy and I were having a lovely evening, except she wasn't kidding about her roommate complex.
Cindy: And another weird thing about my roommate, she does these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports.
Ted: Yeah, that is weird.
Future Ted: I was lying. That sounded awesome. Your mother's robot volleyball watercolor is hanging up in the den as we speak.
Cindy: Yeah. And she has this crazy habit of making breakfast food sing show tunes.
Ted: That's just bizarre.
Future Ted: Your mother's rendition of Memories as performed by an English muffin is, to this day, the most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Quote from Barney

Barney: We cremated the remains. His buttons saved the life of a sick little jacket on the Upper East Side.

Quote from Barney

Karina: Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend. Tell me about him.
Barney: He was Italian. Classy, elegant. And boy, did he have a way with the ladies. They just couldn't say no.
Karina: How old was he?
Barney: Seven. [crying] I miss him so much!


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