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‘Twelve Horny Women’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

How I Met Your Mother: Twelve Horny Women

808. Twelve Horny Women

Aired November 26, 2012

As Marshall takes on the most important court case of his career against his former friend Brad, the gang debate who was the biggest delinquent as a teenager.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Lily, let it go. I didn't want to brag, but I think it's time to acknowledge that I was the ultimate teenage badass of this group.
Lily: You were a teen pop star in Canada. You sang songs about the mall.
Robin: Hey. There is a dark side to being a rocker on the road north of the 49th.
[flashback to Robin smoking in a hotel room filled with people when two Mounties arrive:]
Robin: Hey.
Mountie: We've received some noise complaints, eh? Can you please lower the music?
Robin: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure. How aboot, uh, I lower the TV, too, yeah? [throws TV out of the window]
[present:]
Robin: Three hours later, I was arrested drunk, naked, and driving a Zamboni. Man, that DUI drove my insurance through the roof.

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Quote from Lily

Clerk: Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no rap sheet under your name.
Lily: Oh, y-you know what, it must be under my street tag: Number One Gunna.
Clerk: Nope. Sorry, Number One Gunna. Next!
Lily: Those jive-ass turkeys must've lost it.
Ted: Well, they're pretty swamped arresting 1970s pimps like yourself.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, this a story about the time your Uncle Marshall went before the New York State Judiciary Committee, a panel that would decide the fate of his career. He thought he'd open with an icebreaker.
Marshall: By the way, did I mention those robes really do you all... justice? I'm just saying that you're all guilty... of looking sharp.

Quote from Barney

Bailiff: Barney Stinson?
Barney: Well, if it isn't Warren Frankel. Bailiff Warren Frankel, who knows me.
Bailiff: You know, I almost didn't recognize you without handcuffs on.
Barney: Yeah, I've matured quite a bit since the old days. The only time I'm wearing handcuffs now is, uh, in the bedroom.
Bailiff: Bondage. I get it. Well, I have to run. Stay out of trouble.
Barney: [chuckles] Badass.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Okay, well, to be fair, I may have slightly exaggerated my badass story, too.
[flashback to Robin alone in her hotel room:]
Robin: Oh, sorry. Uh, no, thank you, housekeeping. I've already made my bed. And I only used one washcloth, so it's...
Man: Congratulations, Miss Sparkles. On behalf of the Manitoba Hotel and Curling Rink Association, we'd like to thank you for being the nicest, most well-behaved hotel guest ever.
Robin: Oh, yippee!
[present:]
Ted: What a loser!

Quote from Marshall

Judge #1: Mr. Eriksen, please. You're here to discuss your conduct in court during the week of November 19, 2012.
Marshall: Of course, Your Honor. [v.o.] It all started when a so-called friend from law school conned me into believing that he needed my help getting a job, when in reality, he stole my firm's strategy for our upcoming trial against Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'd been polluting a lake upstate. Turns out, he was representing Gruber.
[flashback:]
Honeywell: Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen.
Marshall: [to Brad] How could you trick me like that? This is the biggest trial in my career.
Brad: Mine too, brobeans. When I win this trial, I'm gonna buy a new car. Thinking Lambo.
Marshall: Awesome. [high-fives Brad] I mean, no! What happened to you? You used to be, like, the nicest guy ever. We were bros. More than bros. We ate brunch together.
Brad: And I'll always cherish that. But after Kara broke my heart again for the millionth time, I said screw being nice, suited up and started lying to get what I want.
Marshall: That does happen. But you used to want to fight for the little guy.
Brad: Little guys pay with little checks. But you already know that. You're in environmental law. Marshall, you have a kid. How are you gonna provide for the little dude's futche?
Marshall: I'm worried about Planet Earth's futche! That's why I'm gonna kick your ass in this trial. Sure, you may have swiped our entire strategy for this case, but I still got some tricks up my sleeve that you know absolutely nothing about.
Brad: Really?
Marshall: No.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Robin and Barney had recently shared an awkward moment. After that, they did what any two mature adults would do:
Barney: Hey!
Robin: Hey!
Barney: How are you?
Robin: Great. You?
Barney: Good, so good.
Robin: Oh, great. Good to see you!
Barney: You, too!
Future Ted: They pretended it never happened.

Quote from Ted

Ted: All right, guys, this is the biggest case of Marshall's career. That is why it's so great that we all called in sick to work tomorrow, so we could be in that courtroom to support him.
Robin: I didn't call in sick.
Ted: I called in for all of us. Uh, I have strep throat. Robin, bronchitis. Barney, massive hemorrhoids.
Barney: Why'd you have to say "massive"?
Ted: Well, if you're gonna miss work for hemorrhoids, they kind of have to be massive.
Barney: I don't want to sit in a courtroom all day.
Ted: I bet you don't want to sit anywhere with those hemorrhoids.
Barney: I don't have... Shut up.

Quote from Lily

Barney: Look, you guys wouldn't understand, but when you have a rap sheet as long as mine, the last place you want to spend a day is in court.
Lily: [scoffs] Rap sheet?
Barney: That's right. When I was a teenager, Lily, I was a total badass.
Lily: Pfft. You want to talk about teenage badasses? I was like John Gotti in a training bra. [Ted and Robin laugh] I'm serious. In high school, before I started dating Scooter, even he was afraid of me.

Quote from Lily

[flashback to bad-ass Lily:]
Lily: You look okay. Want to hang out?
Scooter: Uh, my mom says I'm only allowed three friends, so...
Lily: Your mom don't make the rules no more, Scooter.
Scooter: My name's Jeff.
Lily: Not no more it ain't. [crushes Scooter's can]

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Ah! Here he is. The pride of St. Cloud, the environmental lawyer we've come to know and love. He's mean. He's green. He's not wearing the tie I bought him for the trial, but I'm not gonna mention it... Marshall "I Was Gonna Say 'Nice Tie'" Eriksen!
Robin: How you feeling, Counselor?
Marshall: Well, uh, I mean, at first that Brad thing had me rattled, but now I feel pretty good. I mean, for one thing, I don't have massive hemorrhoids. Sorry, buddy.
Barney: I don't have ma...

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: And more importantly, unlike Brad, I actually have something to fight for.
[fantasy scene of Marshall fishing with fourteen-year-old Marvin:]
Marvin: Pop, because of your precedent-setting legal victory 14 years ago, kids like me can fish in clean lakes all over the world.
Marshall: They sure can, champ. Because when you do one good deed, it creates a ripple effect. One good deed leads to another and another.
Marvin: Man, you're wise. That's probably why I never have felt the need to do drugs or rebel in any way. [both laugh]
Marshall: Anyhoo...

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, we all headed down to court to support Uncle Marshall.
Ted: Want to know what I looked like at age 15? There it is.
Robin: I don't get it. That guy wasn't masturbating.
Barney: Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.
Lily: Ted, you were never a badass.
Ted: Au contraire.
Lily: Off to a good start.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: In summary, I will prove that Gruber Pharmaceuticals wantonly and knowingly polluted Frog Lake and therefore must pay restitution of no less than $25 million. Thank you.
Brad: How's this for a fact: Frog Lake is home to a buttload of frogs and birds. If it's so polluted, why don't all those birds fly to a cleaner lake? And why don't the frogs just be like, "Hey, birds, can I catch a ride, ribbit?"

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: The biggest case of my life and I'd already lost the jury. I mean, I've heard of Twelve Angry Men, but this was more like Twelve Horny Women.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Next, Brad brought out his "expert witness."
[flashback:]
Brad: So, Dr. Bedrosian, you're saying that even if Gruber Pharmaceuticals' industry-leading drugs somehow seeped into Frog Lake, they could actually be helping the otter population grow thicker coats of fur?
Dr. Bedrosian: Absolutely.
Brad: And for the older birds, who maybe don't perform as well in the bedroom as they used to, could actually be having healthier sex lives?
Dr. Bedrosian: In my expert opinion... Yes...? Yes!
Brad: So Gruber is giving these animals free medicine. Medicine that you or I would have to pay a fortune for if we needed help in the bedroom, which I don't.
Judge: You're so bad.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: But I realized, if Brad could call a quack as his star witness, then so could I. [silence] You'll get that in a second.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Meet Paddles, the duckling.
[present:]
Marshall: "Quack."
Judge #1: Continue.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Little Paddles here just spent three months being nursed back to health. Why? Well, because he was found in Frog Lake suffering from acute dermatitis, a painful full-body rash, caused by who? Gruber Pharmaceuticals.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Your Honor, I call Brad Morris to the stand.
Judge: Mr. Eriksen, this is highly irregular.
Marshall: I would like Mr. Morris to remove his shirt.
Judge: I'll allow it.
Brad: Objection, Your Honor, on grounds that this is ridonk!
Judge: Overruled. Take it off.
[Brad unbuttons his shirt to reveal a painful red rash]
Marshall: Acute dermatitis, courtesy of Frog Lake and Gruber Pharmaceuticals.
Lily: That was badass.

Quote from Marshall

Judge #1: So, in the end, one might say you were forced to do something... rash? [all the judges laugh]
Marshall: You know, I had that one, but Lily told me to cut it.

Quote from Robin

Barney: You'd best get your mind right, son!
Ted: The game is the game, and there ain't no winners.
Robin: How many retired gangbangers you know? Exactly.

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