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‘Vesuvius’ Quotes

How I Met Your Mother: Vesuvius

919. Vesuvius

Aired March 3, 2014

In 2024, Ted and his wife visit the Farhampton Inn again and realize he never told her the story of how Robin broke a vase on her wedding day. On the morning of the wedding, Lily is annoyed that Robin isn't sentimental. Meanwhile, Barney freaks out about which suit to wear, and the gang watches The Wedding Bride 2 against Ted's wishes.

Quote from Ted

[the year 2024:]
Curtis: I'm sorry, did I hear you talking about The Wedding Bride?
Ted: Oh, God.
Curtis: The movie or the smash Broadway musical?
Ted: Smash? Oh, oh. Oh, I guess a show's a smash now if it closes after only 96 weeks.
The Mother: So my husband's ex-fiancee's husband wrote the screenplay for The Wedding Bride. Jed Mosely was based on Ted.
Ted: Okay, Jed was not based on me.
[movie scene:]
Jed Mosely: Hey, that is not a toy, you ragamuffin! That is an authentic flail I won at the renaissance faire.
[back:]
Ted: Entirely.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: The only question is, which of these other suits do I pick? There are so many great ones to choose from.
Ted: Well, how about this one?
Barney: Yes, yes, that's the one. Oh, hey, quick question, is it weird to get married in a suit that you may have worn while banging a female rodeo clown? I know what you're wondering. Yes, the carpet matched the drapes.
Ted: Of course that's weird, every part of it is. Uh, what about this suit?
Barney: Ha, ha. Let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.
Ted: Barney, do you have to phrase it that way?
Barney: Actual bunnies, Ted. This is my magic suit. Get your mind out of the gutter. Though I did once wear it to the Playboy holiday party and, uh... Ha, ha, let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.

Quote from The Mother

[the year 2024:]
Ted: I've told you this one before.
The Mother: A few times.
Ted: Oh. I'm just a boring old man who won't stop spinning yarns.
The Mother: Oh, hey, I love your yarns. I hope you never stop spinning them.
Ted: But?
The Mother: You're the love of my life, pooh bear. I just worry about you. I don't want you to be the guy who lives in his stories. Life only moves forward.

Quote from The Mother

[the year 2024:]
Ted: So, what happens next? With Lily and the wedding dress, I mean.
The Mother: Well, she brought the dress so she and Marshall could get new wedding photos taken, because, in yet another story I know...
[flashback to Marshall shaving his head on his wedding day]
The Mother: What space would I have in my brain for other things if I didn't know all this? Ah, probably just state birds or some crap. Heh.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Okay, look, I know this is your wedding, but this is a big moment for all of us. This may be the last time we're all hanging out together for who knows how long. I mean, tomorrow morning, Ted's leaving for Chicag... Oh, boy.
Ted: Lily. Wait. You already know. You already know. You're married to Lily, which means...
Marshall: She pocket-texted me while you were telling her.
Ted: So, everybody knows I'm moving to Chicago tomorrow.
Robin: Lily's right. We don't know the next time that we'll all be together.
[the year 2024:]
Ted: And then, I think, it hit all of us: We didn't know the next time we'd be together. This was it. And it's funny. In a moment like that, when what's really happening is too intense to deal with, sometimes it's best...
The Mother: To leave it unspoken and just enjoy each other's company instead.

Quote from The Mother

[the year 2024:]
Ted: And that's the story. Right down to the surprise ending.
The Mother: Is it really such a surprise? I mean, come on. Of course she showed up. What mother is gonna miss her daughter's wedding? [Ted gets emotional] Oh, hey. No, come on.
Ted: [sobbing] It's okay, I'm fine. I'm okay.
The Mother: Did Barney really wear a scuba suit into the bar?
Ted: I've told you that story a million times.
The Mother: Yeah, but where did Barney get the scuba suit?
Ted: He stole it.
The Mother: What?
Ted: Yeah. I can't believe I forgot that. He walked right into this sporting goods store, tried on a scuba suit, walked right out the door. He walked all the way home in it, like 20 blocks. [both laugh[ Guy in a scuba suit,
just walking down Broadway.
The Mother: He should be in prison.
Ted: Well, yeah, for lots of reasons.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [o.s.] God, you're gorgeous. I can't wait to be inside you.
Ted: [knocks] Barney, get out here. This is your wedding day.
[Barney pulls Ted into the room which is filled with racks of suits]
Ted: Where is she?
Barney: Who?
Ted: Look, I just grossly overpaid for some information about this room, so I know it's accurate. This room belongs to Susan Tupp.
Barney: Who?
Ted: Susan Tupp.
Barney: Who?
Ted: Sue Tupp. Suit up.
Barney: I'm trying to!

Quote from The Mother

[the year 2024:]
The Mother: Thank you for bringing me here. I am so glad we made it. That snowstorm was getting really bad.
Ted: Wait. You think this is a snowstorm? This is nothing. I'll tell you about a snowstorm. It was winter break, freshman year of college. Marshall and I were roommates but we weren't friends...
The Mother: Wait. Stop. You've told me this one before.
Ted: I have? When?
The Mother: Uh, let's see, it was all the time.
Ted: Really?
The Mother: You and Marshall drove back to school, "500 Miles" played on a loop. You took a back road, ran out of gas, got stuck in a snowstorm, spooned to stay warm... At least, that's your story. And at the end of it, you were best friends.
Ted: Okay, okay, that's fine. Because guess what. That wasn't even the worst snowstorm ever. It was 2008, Barney and l...
The Mother: Took over the bar, met the Arizona Tech marching band... Go Hens. And they played "Auld Lang Syne" when Marshall picked up Lily at the airport.
Ted: Okay, have I told you about the time that Marshall...?
The Mother: Tried to put Christmas lights on Lily's grandparents' house and the little ragamuffin from next door
left him stranded on the roof.
Ted: Did Lily tell you that one?
The Mother: Yeah. Lily used the word "ragamuffin."

Quote from Ted

[After Ted sees Barney sneaking into a room:]
Ted: Uh, can you tell me the name of the guest staying in Room 9?
Curtis: I'm sorry, that would violate hotel privacy policy.
Ted: Well, maybe my old friend Mr. Lincoln can emancipate that information.
Curtis: I'm so sorry, I wasn't clear. I can't violate our hotel privacy policy... for five dollars. Something with a two on it is fine.
Ted: Those are super rare and mine is kind of lucky.
Curtis: Just give me a 20, Mr. Mosby. That room belongs to a Ms. Susan Tupp.
Ted: Oh, boy.

Quote from Robin

Lily: And this is a picture of the restaurant where you and Barney had your first date. And now you're getting married. And this is the receipt from the meal you and Barney ate at that restaurant on your first date. And now you're getting married.
Robin: Can we look at this later?
Lily: Later? There is no later. Robin, this is a day you only get to do once. You need to appreciate the importance of it right now.
Robin: Oh, my God. How did I only just now realize this? Dude, this hotel has The Wedding Bride 2 on pay-per-view. Score. This is the best day of my life!

Quote from Marshall

Jed Mosely: [on TV] Whoa, whoa, whoa. My wiener.
Marshall: I can't believe Jed made us promise not to watch this.
Robin: You mean Ted?
Marshall: Whatever, same guy.

Quote from Barney

Ted: See, I would have expected you to have a special suit just for this occasion.
Barney: Oh, I did. I had my boy Timmy G. make the perfect wedding suit. Ever heard of "bespoke"? This suit was "be-freaking-screamed." But then I tried it on this morning, it was uncomfortable, itchy and wrong. It was like a suit made for someone with terrible posture, no taste and limited funds. Here, you take it.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Uh, how about this one?
Barney: Oh, man. I went crazy on an escort in that one.
Ted: Barney, come on.
Barney: A Ford Escort, Ted. I did it on a car. With a woman who I then may or may not have paid, that one's out too.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Okay, so your wedding's in a few hours. Kind of strange to spend those hours watching a terrible movie, right?
Robin: Terrible? Lily, this movie is a revelation. I can't believe Ted wouldn't let us see it.
Marshall: Yeah, why was he hanging so much beef on this movie? Just because there's a character based on him?
Jed Mosely: [on TV] Of course, I'll make all weddings illegal. Then Stella can never be a wedding bride. [laughs maniacally] Ooh. No-can-l-do's-ville, baby doll.
Marshall: It's like, relax, Ted. It's no big deal. You should be flattered.
[movie scene on TV:]
Jed Mosely: And now to celebrate with that piece of chocolate cake I've been saving. What? Who ate my cake?
Narshall: Uh, what cake?
Jed Mosely: Narshall!
[reality:]
Marshall: "Narshall"? "Narshall." How dare they? That is insulting and ridiculous and I am nothing like that character. I'm gonna sue everyone involved with this film.
Robin: So you're gonna sue them on the grounds that nothing like that cake thing ever happened?
Marshall: If Ted didn't want me to eat it, he should've put a note on it.

Quote from Barney

Barney: It feels weird.
Ted: That's because it's new. It's a suit that's never been worn before. A suit you never dreamed you'd wear. All of this suit's memories are still ahead of it. Look, picture it: The ceremony.
Barney: When everyone stands up for me?
Ted: They do that for her.
Barney: They should. She's gonna look amazing. You better believe it.
Ted: She walks down the aisle. You say your vows. You go to the reception. You have your first dance. And before you know it, just like magic, you realize... ...it's a perfect fit.
Barney: You're right, Ted. This is the one. Thanks. So... belts.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Hey, you know what, maybe the groomsmen should go get some food. I don't want Ted to have to sit through this movie.
Ted: Oh, I appreciate that, Narshall.
Marshall: Really? Aw, damn it.
Ted: Sorry, I saw it on a plane.
Marshall: So this is gonna be, like, a thing now?
Barney: Yeah, it's gonna be a thing now, Narshall. Right, Narshall?
Ted: Dude, settle down, Swarley.
Marshall: Yeah, Swarlize Theron, take it easy.
Barney: Man, this was supposed to be my special day.


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