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39Quotes from ‘I'm Not That Guy’

How I Met Your Mother: I'm Not That Guy

306. I'm Not That Guy

Aired October 29, 2007

Marshall doesn't know whether to follow his principles or the money when a prestigious law firm offers him a high-paying job. Meanwhile, Barney finds a porn star named Ted Mosby, and Lily shares a secret with Robin.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Dude, come on, let's just find Bizarro me and get out of here.
Barney: Oh, oh, I get it. Ted Mosby, non-porn star, thinks this is all crude and disgusting. You know who else was considered crude and disgusting? Shakespeare. But his themes, love, lust, forbidden desire, were universal, which is why his work has stood the test of time. And so will all this. Four hundred years from now, some high school drama class will be doing a plucky, spirited production of Beef Party VII.

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was a quiet November afternoon in 2007. I was working from home, because, you know, no distractions.
[Barney rushes into the apartment at the same time Marshall comes out of his bedroom]
Barney: This is incredible!
Marshall: Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
Barney: I have big news!
Marshall: Oh, my God!
Barney: Okay. My thing's pretty huge. But fine, you can go first.
Marshall: Okay, I just found out...
Barney: I just find a porno starring Ted Mosby!

Quote from Ted

Ted: What are you... What you're talking about?
Barney: I'm talking about "Welcome to the Sex Plane", and look who plays the navigator, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Oh, it's the same exact spelling as my name.
Marshall: Okay, you know, cute coincidence, Barney. Whatever. I just got on the phone with the NR...
Ted: Oh my God. This totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day.
[flashback to Ted at a doctor's office:]
Doctor: Open wide. I guess you're more used to saying that hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby? [laughs]
[back:]
Ted: Who is this guy? And why my doctor watching porn?

Quote from Barney

Barney: All right. Let's meet your new doppelganger. Or should I say doppelbanger.

Quote from Robin

Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat! Three stripes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ted Mosby, porn star.
Robin: I know what kind of plane this is. It's a "Boing".

Quote from Robin

Ted: Wow, this Ted Mosby must be getting kind of famous.
Barney: Hmm. You're not wrong. According to the web site, of the far superior Ted Mosby, he's been in the business three months, and he's made 125 movies.
Robin: Wow. That's 42 movies a month. Who is he, Jude Law? Right? He makes a lot of movies. I mean, not so much lately, but maybe, like, two years ago, you couldn't go to a movie without...
Ted: Shh.

Quote from Ted

Barney: Oh, hey, look, check it out. Ted Mosby did an interview in Adult Video Weekly.
Ted: Adult Video Weekly? Oh, no...
[flashback to Ted, Marshall and Lily in the apartment:]
Ted: [answers phone] Hello?
Leonard: Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby. It's Leonard Ross from AVW.
Ted: Oh, my God! [to Marshall and Lily] AVW? It's architecture vision weekly. [on the phone] Um, wow. I've been reading your magazine since I was a little kid.
Leonard: Well, that's a bummer. Anyway, I'm calling to interview you about your latest project.
Ted: Well, I don't want to say it's my project. I mean, I'll be working with at least three partners.
Leonard: Oh! Group scene. Always fun.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I mean, I know they're gonna ride me pretty hard but they're great guys.
Leonard: Guys? Oh, whoa, there's a scoop.
[back:]
Ted: That interview went on for 20 more minutes.
Lily: "This project was so demanding, I can't tell you how many nights I spent bent over a table." [all laugh]

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Marshall in Jefferson Coatsworth's office:]
Jefferson: Marshall, why don't you want to work at Nicholson, Hewitt and West?
Marshall: Right, um, okay, Jeff, I've actually given this a lot of thought...
Jeff: I'm sorry. Stop. I can't do this with a straight face. You don't want to work here. You're only here 'cause your dad went to high school with Joe Hewitt. Fact is, you just got a sweet job at the NRDC. And it's awesome. Man, I could have gone the non-profit route. I didn't. And it eats me up inside every day. I hate myself. I hate myself.
[back to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Oh, he is good. Classic seduction technique.
Marshall: What do you mean?
Barney: Oh, I use it all the time. First I buy her, and by her I mean youm a drink. Now, I'm the guy who gets her what she wants. Then I pretend to care about whatever idiotic thing she cares about. For you, that would be the environment. [puzzled expression] Now, I'm the great guy who shares her interests. And before you know it, you're naked in my apartment, shouting "Oh, oh, Barney!" And by you, I mean her.
Marshall: He is not trying to seduce me. He didn't even offer me the job.
Barney: That comes later. At dinner. He did invite you to dinner, didn't he?

Quote from Barney

Robin: Guys, guys, guys, check this out. Ted Mosby prn star's bio says his hometown is your hometown. Shaker Heights, Ohio.
Ted: What? Okay, this is getting creepy. Who, who is this guy? I gotta find him.
Robin: Well, it's your lucky day. He's gonna be signing autographs tomorrow night in Manhattan at something called the Adult Video Expo.
Lily: Wait, are you telling me that they actually have conventions for porn?
Barney: Affirmative. Or to put it another way, God bless America.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Oh, my God, Lily, that is a lot of debt. How did you get yourself into this situation?
Lily: I don't know what it is. When I feel down about something, I shop.
[flashback to Lily at a shoe store:]
Clerk: Ma'am, is everything okay?
Lily: No, I just had a huge fight with my mother. She doesn't understand me at all. [cut] I swore that teaching would be a way to support my painting career, but I never paint anymore. [cut] I just got a huge credit card bill.

Quote from Barney

Ted: There he is. Come on, let's go.
Barney: Why do I get so nervous around celebrities?
Ted: Hi, Ted Mosby. I'm Ted Mosby.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Ted Mosby, it's you.
Ted: Have we met?
Barney: Mr. Mosby, it is an honor to meet you, sir. Starney Binson. Barney Stinson. Damn it.

Quote from Ted

Ted Mosby Porn Star: We have met. My real name is Steve Biel. When I was in fourth grade, you were in ninth, and, and one day I was out behind the school and a bunch of seventh graders were just beating the crap out of me.
Ted: Oh, yeah, I remember. That was you?
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Yeah, but you pulled them off me. You told them to go pick on someone their own size. I vowed right then that when I made something of myself, I would honor you somehow.
Ted: So you took my name and starred in Welcome To The Sex Truck?
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Yeah.
Ted: Um. Yeah, listen, Ted, you got to stop using my name. I, I'm trying to make a career as an architect.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Architect, huh? You mean like a sex architect?
Ted: What?
Barney: Yeah, you know, you're on to something. That would make a great title of a film. Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: You know, I'm actually looking for a new project to shoot next Friday afternoon.
Ted: Yeah, listen, isn't, isn't there some other way you could honor me? With all due respect.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Wait, you're not mad, are you? Oh, man, I knew it. My father said, "Just plant a tree in Israel." I'm such an idiot. I guess I thought you'd be psyched.
Ted: I am. I am, it's just I feel a little guilty because I'm not the one who saved you that day. The guy who actually saved you was named... Lance Hardwood.
Barney: Lance Hardwood, yeah.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Really? You know, you might not know this, but, in my business, that's kind of a killer name.
Ted: Yeah, I guess... I guess it is.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: I can see the poster now. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect. Starring Ted Mosby.
Barney: I love it.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Got it, Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: [on tape] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.
Ted: Wow that really looks like our apartment.
Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [tosses Ted the keys]
Woman: [on tape] Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
[Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily get up off the couch in disgust]


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