Ted: Dude, come on, let's just find Bizarro me and get out of here.
Barney: Oh, oh, I get it. Ted Mosby, non-porn star, thinks this is all crude and disgusting. You know who else was considered crude and disgusting? Shakespeare. But his themes, love, lust, forbidden desire, were universal, which is why his work has stood the test of time. And so will all this. Four hundred years from now, some high school drama class will be doing a plucky, spirited production of Beef Party VII.

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was a quiet November afternoon in 2007. I was working from home, because, you know, no distractions.
[Barney rushes into the apartment at the same time Marshall comes out of his bedroom]
Barney: This is incredible!
Marshall: Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
Barney: I have big news!
Marshall: Oh, my God!
Barney: Okay. My thing's pretty huge. But fine, you can go first.
Marshall: Okay, I just found out...
Barney: I just find a porno starring Ted Mosby!

Ted: What are you... What you're talking about?
Barney: I'm talking about "Welcome to the Sex Plane", and look who plays the navigator, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Oh, it's the same exact spelling as my name.
Marshall: Okay, you know, cute coincidence, Barney. Whatever. I just got on the phone with the NR...
Ted: Oh my God. This totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day.
[flashback to Ted at a doctor's office:]
Doctor: Open wide. I guess you're more used to saying that hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby? [laughs]
[back:]
Ted: Who is this guy? And why my doctor watching porn?

Barney: All right. Let's meet your new doppelganger. Or should I say doppelbanger.

Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat! Three stripes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ted Mosby, porn star.
Robin: I know what kind of plane this is. It's a "Boing".

Ted: Wow, this Ted Mosby must be getting kind of famous.
Barney: Hmm. You're not wrong. According to the web site, of the far superior Ted Mosby, he's been in the business three months, and he's made 125 movies.
Robin: Wow. That's 42 movies a month. Who is he, Jude Law? Right? He makes a lot of movies. I mean, not so much lately, but maybe, like, two years ago, you couldn't go to a movie without...
Ted: Shh.

Barney: Oh, hey, look, check it out. Ted Mosby did an interview in Adult Video Weekly.
Ted: Adult Video Weekly? Oh, no...
[flashback to Ted, Marshall and Lily in the apartment:]
Ted: [answers phone] Hello?
Leonard: Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby. It's Leonard Ross from AVW.
Ted: Oh, my God! [to Marshall and Lily] AVW? It's architecture vision weekly. [on the phone] Um, wow. I've been reading your magazine since I was a little kid.
Leonard: Well, that's a bummer. Anyway, I'm calling to interview you about your latest project.
Ted: Well, I don't want to say it's my project. I mean, I'll be working with at least three partners.
Leonard: Oh! Group scene. Always fun.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I mean, I know they're gonna ride me pretty hard but they're great guys.
Leonard: Guys? Oh, whoa, there's a scoop.
[back:]
Ted: That interview went on for 20 more minutes.
Lily: "This project was so demanding, I can't tell you how many nights I spent bent over a table." [all laugh]

[flashback to Marshall in Jefferson Coatsworth's office:]
Jefferson: Marshall, why don't you want to work at Nicholson, Hewitt and West?
Marshall: Right, um, okay, Jeff, I've actually given this a lot of thought...
Jeff: I'm sorry. Stop. I can't do this with a straight face. You don't want to work here. You're only here 'cause your dad went to high school with Joe Hewitt. Fact is, you just got a sweet job at the NRDC. And it's awesome. Man, I could have gone the non-profit route. I didn't. And it eats me up inside every day. I hate myself. I hate myself.
[back to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Oh, he is good. Classic seduction technique.
Marshall: What do you mean?
Barney: Oh, I use it all the time. First I buy her, and by her I mean youm a drink. Now, I'm the guy who gets her what she wants. Then I pretend to care about whatever idiotic thing she cares about. For you, that would be the environment. [puzzled expression] Now, I'm the great guy who shares her interests. And before you know it, you're naked in my apartment, shouting "Oh, oh, Barney!" And by you, I mean her.
Marshall: He is not trying to seduce me. He didn't even offer me the job.
Barney: That comes later. At dinner. He did invite you to dinner, didn't he?

Robin: Guys, guys, guys, check this out. Ted Mosby prn star's bio says his hometown is your hometown. Shaker Heights, Ohio.
Ted: What? Okay, this is getting creepy. Who, who is this guy? I gotta find him.
Robin: Well, it's your lucky day. He's gonna be signing autographs tomorrow night in Manhattan at something called the Adult Video Expo.
Lily: Wait, are you telling me that they actually have conventions for porn?
Barney: Affirmative. Or to put it another way, God bless America.

Robin: Oh, my God, Lily, that is a lot of debt. How did you get yourself into this situation?
Lily: I don't know what it is. When I feel down about something, I shop.
[flashback to Lily at a shoe store:]
Clerk: Ma'am, is everything okay?
Lily: No, I just had a huge fight with my mother. She doesn't understand me at all. [cut] I swore that teaching would be a way to support my painting career, but I never paint anymore. [cut] I just got a huge credit card bill.