Barney: Lily, I guess that leaves just you and me. Want to hang?
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then Lily said something to Barney that insulted every fiber of his being.
Lily: Nah.
Barney: [gasps]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Wait. No. It had to be more than just, "Nah." Oh, I think she said...
Lily: You're a big... stupid octopus head!
Future Ted: [v.o.] No, that doesn't make sense. Okay, hang on. What did she say? She said, um, uh... To be honest kids, I'm having a little trouble remembering exactly what their fight was about. Hey, it was 20 years ago! I'll remember.

Future Ted: [v.o.] There was just something about him. We couldn't put our finger on it until...
Marshall: I figured it out! I know what's so creepy about The Captain.
Robin: Okay.
Marshall: Yeah, I snapped this photo of him last time he dropped off Zoey. Observe. The bottom half of his face is smiling. Look, he seems happy. Seems like a nice guy. But the top half of his face, wants to murder you! Cheerful. Wants to murder you. Cheerful. Wants to murder you. Now, hold on. Let me ask him a question. Captain, what do you think of ice cream? Oh, he loves it!
Barney: Captain, what do you think of rainy days?
Marshall: Whoa, he hates them.
Robin: Captain, quick question: How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers?
All: Ooh.
Marshall: What-What is that?
Robin: I don't get it. I don't get it.
Marshall: He hates that he loves them.
All: Ah!

Ted: Well, Lily, you were right. Something weird happened with Zoey last night.
[flashback to Ted and Zoey at the museum:]
Zoey: Oh, that's the Captain. Yes, I call my husband The Captain, but that is the only concession I make to his seafaring ways. Hang on. [answers phone] Ahoy.

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next night, Marshall and Robin went to dinner, just the two of them. Now historically, they had three solid conversation topics: cold weather...
Robin: December chill. So great.
Marshall: Totally.
Future Ted: [v.o.] sports...
Marshall: Did you catch the game last night?
Robin: Yeah. Nail-biter.
Future Ted: [v.o.] and cold weather sports.
Marshall: You know what's fun? Is cold weather sports.
Robin: They are fun.
Future Ted: [v.o.] They blew through them all in the first 16 seconds.

[in MacLaren's:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] That same night, Barney and Lily were still fighting about, um... something. Or was it that other thing?
Lily: Barney.
Barney: Save it, Lily. I am still mad at you for... something, and for that other thing.
Lily: Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But let's be honest. You've been super sensitive lately.
Barney: No, I haven't! God, how can you say that?!
Lily: Watch out!
[Lily pulls Barney out of the way of a passing motorcycle:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Wait. They were on the street.
Lily: Watch out! Oh!
Barney: Wow. Thanks, Lily. You saved me. [signalling his ice cream] You saved us. Look, I know you didn't mean whatever it was you said that made me so mad.
Lily: I think I probably didn't.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And just like that, the fight was over. You know, kids, friendship is funny sometimes.
Lily: Wait. I still can't resist getting one last shot in.
Barney: [gasps]
Future Ted: Like I said, the fight was just getting started.

Ted: Hi, Captain. The Captain. Captain.
The Captain: Ahoy, Ted! Excellent to see you.
Ted: Ah, you, too. Uh, where's Zoey?
The Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling a little under the weather. Looks like it's just you, me and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay on dry land, hang out with some... witnesses.
The Captain: [laughs] You're a hoot. I've been looking forward to this. For a very long time. Well, anchors aweigh!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, here's one thing I do remember. I was pretty sure I was going to die that night.

[flashback to Barney in Marshall's office explaining "The Mermaid Theory":]
Barney: [v.o.] It was 300 years ago. Sailors stuck at sea would get desperate for female companionship. It got so bad that, eventually, the manatees out in the water started to look like... beautiful women. Mermaids.
Barney: Let's go get some tail!
Barney: You see, every woman, no matter how initially repugnant, has a mermaid clock. The time it takes for you to realize you want to bone her. Sure, today you see Iris as a manatee. But she ain't gonna stay that way. Marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right now. [clock ticking]
Marshall: [v.o.] And it took one year, three months, and 16 days, but eventually... D'oh!
Barney: Told you. The Mermaid Theory. It's a thing. You owe me 500 bucks.
Marshall: Did we bet on this?
Barney: Let's say yes.

The Captain: Vast, the sea. Deep. Endless. Going around for miles. You could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. Listen to this. [screams] Help! Somebody help me! I'm trapped on a boat with a madman! Help! See? Nothing. [laughing]
Ted: [inner monologue while laughing] He's gonna kill me. Okay, calm down, Teddy. He's not jealous. He hasn't even mentioned Zoey.
The Captain: So, Ted, I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Zoey.
Ted: [inner monologue: screams]

Lily: Seriously? I step away for five seconds, and you eat all my onion rings? No surprise there.
Barney: What's that supposed to mean? Are you calling me fat?
[Lily shrugs]
Barney: If there is one thing you never do, it is call a woman fat right to her face!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Wait. Barney's not a woman. That's right. Barney wasn't hurt by Lily, Lily was hurt by Barney.
[flashback to the gang in the apartment:]
Lily: Want to hang?
Barney: Nah.
Lily: [gasps]
[flashback to Lily and Barney in the street:]
Barney: Watch out!
Lily: Wow. Thanks, Barney. You saved me. [signals to ice cream] You saved us.
[present:]
Lily: If there's one thing you never do, it's call a woman fat right to her face!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, now I'm on track. The rest of this story should make perfect sense.
Barney: Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. Hey, you want to see a magic trick?
[Barney makes a bottle of beer levitate above Lily's stomach]
Lily: You're a jerk.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, that makes no sense. Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat. I will never remember this story. I'm sorry for wasting your time.

The Captain: Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection.
Ted: Just gonna make a quick call. Hey, silly question. What are our exact nautical coordinates?
The Captain: How now? [knocks Ted's phone into the ocean] Oh, bother. Well... she's a goner. By now, the icy tide has already dropped its core temperature to near freezing. And down it goes. Now it's at 50 meters. Complete crushing blackness. 100 meters. The pressure is so intense, the keys are popping right out of its head.
Ted: Head?
The Captain: 200 meters. No one will ever find its mangled remains, save for the crustacea that feed off its lifeless husk. Can you hear me now? No. Because you're on the bottom of the sea.