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41Quotes from ‘Who Wants To Be A Godparent’

How I Met Your Mother: Who Wants To Be A Godparent

804. Who Wants To Be A Godparent

Aired October 15, 2012

When Ted, Barney and Robin won't stop competing to become Marvin's godparent, Marshall puts them to the test with a game.

Quote from Barney

[Barney goes to Marshall and Lily's apartment dressed like a farmer and playing a banjo:]
Barney: [singing] Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro And on that farm he had some chicks E-I-E-I-bro With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

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Quote from Barney

[Barney goes to Marshall and Lily's apartment dressed like a sailor]
Barney: [singing] Bro, bro, bro your broat Gently to the bar Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and...

Quote from Barney

[Barney goes to Marshall and Lily's apartment dressed like a bus driver]
Barney: [singing] The boobs on the bus go up and down Up and down, up and down The boobs on the bus go up and down [Marshall slams the door, then opens it] All through the town.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Ooh. Our demise. [Lily wails] Barney, how would you explain to little Marvin why we're not around anymore?
Lily: No.
Barney: Easy, all I'd have to do is change a few words to one of my classics with the ladies.
[fantasy scene with Barney sitting down with a suited-up, six-year-old Marvin:]
Barney: The President of the World has called your parents away on a super-secret space mission. For the sake of the planet, you will never see them again. Now pick up your toys and say good night to Daddy.
[reality:]
Barney: What do you know? That last line stays the same.
Marshall: Judges?
Lily: [blows raspberry and gives a thumbs down]

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Okay, Robin, what would you do, and remember, "President of the World called parents away for a super-secret space mission" has already been taken.
Robin: Well, my dad was always upfront and honest with me, so that's how I would be.
[fantasy scene with a casually-dressed Robin talking to six-year-old Marvin:]
Robin: All right, kid, here's the deal with the deal. Your mom and dad are done-ski. Belly-flopped off a subway platform. Mom busted open like a piñata. What was left of your dad hung around for a few days. Anyway, plug's pulled. Organs donated. Long story short: I'm your new mommy now. [chuckles] Sah-wish!
[reality:]
Lily: [sobs]
Marshall: Well, I was saving these for the showcase, but here. Hey, Lily, look, baby, his-and-her watches.
Lily: Ooh.

Quote from Robin

Ted: This is ridiculous. I've known you for 16 years. I'm the obvious choice.
Barney: Oh, come on, if Ted raises him, the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. I'm the obvious choice.
Robin: Hey, look, as the only one of us packing a vag, I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that. Plus, I can teach him how to bow hunt.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Um, I would do what my dad did: tough love.
[fantasy scene with Robin storming into six-year-old Marvin's room:]
Robin: You know where you're headed, chief? The British Columbia Military School for Boys. Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have to shave off all your hair and burn your "girlie" clothing in an old oil drum while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames! Oh, my God!
[reality:]
Robin: I think that Robin wins this round because we love her and she's in a safe space, right, guys?
Barney: Robin matters!
Lily: Yay! Totally.
Ted: Now, that's just one point, right?

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: "Birds and Bees." Barney, "How would you teach young Marvin about the facts of life?"
Barney: Hmm...
[fantasy scene of tracksuit-wearing Barney on an airplane with tracksuit-wearing fourteen-year-old Marvin:]
Barney: You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro.
[Barney and Marvin put on their sleep masks and recline their chairs]
[reality:]
Marshall: Okay, Barney's out of this round.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Ted, how would you handle "the talk"?
Ted: Well, Marvin would be a young adult, so you wouldn't want to talk down to him. But that doesn't mean you can't get down with him.
[fantasy of Ted using a puppet to rap to fourteen-year-old Marvin:]
Ted: When two adults wish to procreate They lay together and copulate Male gametes, spermatozoa Implant themselves in the ladies' ova! Break it down!
[reality:]
Barney: I'm sorry, don't you need to actually have had sex in order to explain it?
Ted: Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about ignoring bullies.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] We played long into the night, eventually making it to the dreaded...
Marshall: Lightning round! First word!
[fantasy of Ted standing next to Marvin in his crib:]
Marvin: Beam!
Ted: Actually, that's a joist, which carries the stress of the ceiling versus the primary architectural load. But that's my boy!
[Robin's fantasy scene with her and Ted next to Marvin's crib:]
Marvin: Nerd!
Robin: [gasps] That's my boy!

Quote from Barney

Marshall: First heartbreak!
[fantasy of Barney and fourteen-year-old Marvin standing outside a house at night:]
Barney: I know this hurts, little buddy, but you'll love again someday, because time will heal a broken heart. But not that bitch's window. Run!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted, neither you nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them. Here's how you'd handle heartbreak.
[Barney's fantasy of Ted and fourteen-year-old Marvin talking about heartbreak:]
Puppet: [high-pitched voice] Cheer up, squirt. There are plenty of other wonderful women out there.
Ted: [sobbing] But I thought that she was the one.
Marvin: I'll be at Uncle Barney's.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Ted, how are things going with Victoria?
[flashback:]
Victoria: My dad made the funniest joke. He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding, you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it, or else. [laughs] You know, he's not usually funny like that.
[back:]
Ted: [inner monologue] Not promising, but not an eight. [out loud] Everything's great.

Quote from Robin

Lily: And Robin, how's everything with Nick?
[flashback:]
Nick: Finally ready for a ride on the bike?
Robin: Who? Me? Let's ride, Big Daddy. Oh, yeah. Mama likey.
Nick: Robin, over here. Eco-friendly. She runs on corn.
[back:]
Robin: [inner monologue] Total lady bone killer, but not an eight. [out loud] Everything's great.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: And how are things for the old Barnacle?
[Barney flashes back to sex with a woman]
Barney: [inner monologue] Not an eight. At best, she was a six, six and a half. More like a four by the time I was done with her. Mental self-five. [out loud] Everything's great.

Quote from Barney

Ted: To long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily.
Marshall: Mmm. I've missed this. Okay. We got to go.
Robin: W-what? You just got here.
Barney: I cleared my whole night for you guys. I didn't even bring my booty-call phone.
Lily: Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really need some time to ourselves. I promise we'll hang out soon.
Marshall: See you guys. Bye.
[Barney's booty phone rings]
Barney: [answers] Yeah, like I'm going to leave this at home. Barney Stinson. How may I direct my penis?

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Oh, geez. It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.
Lily: Oh, God, I miss that smell. You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time worrying about Marvin, but it's actually nice to be out in the world, living life.
[As they step out into the street, Marshall and Lily almost get knocked down by a cab]
Lily: [gasps] Death is all around us.
Marshall: Wow, that urine smell just got a lot stronger.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical. Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe.
Barney: Please, faulty elevators, exploding man hole covers, jealous husbands. This place is a coroner's paradise.
Lily: Oh!
Robin: They are way more likely to eat it in a mugging gone wrong. There was a double hommy on your block like a week ago. Caught it on the scanner during lunch. Knife job. Guy made a real mess of it too.
Lily: [weeps]

Quote from Barney

Lily: So now we don't have a guardian.
Ted: You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.
Robin: If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy.
Barney: I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend... wait for it - no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now - ...dary.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Lily and I need you to come upstairs. This is an important decision and we can't have you constantly interrupting us with this childish competition. [returning to the apartment] Which is why we're going to make it... an official competition! We're going to play Who Wants to Be a Godparent? Right after this word from our sponsors.
[Marshall looks to camera as a confused Ted, Robin and Barney wonder what he's looking at]
Ted: Why is he talking to the wall?

Quote from Lily

Ted: Wait, this is how you're going to choose a guardian for Marvin? I mean, why don't you just put us in a three-way cage match and go with whoever's left standing?
Lily: We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Ted, the category's all yours.
Ted: Okay, here's what I would say.
[fantasy scene with Ted sitting down next to six-year-old Marvin:]
Ted: Well, Marvin, explaining where your parents are isn't gonna be easy. Even I, Lily and Marshall's best friend for almost 20 years, will have a hard time doing it. But I do know a guy who's very good at this sort of thing. Professor Infosaurus! [high-pitched voice] Hey, there, squirt! Death is a difficult yet unfortunate certainty.
[reality:]
Marshall: Good enough! Ted wins the round!
Ted: Yes! Yes! You'll see. Professor Infosaurus will be a big, big hit with children.
[the year 2030:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Isn't that right, kids? Moving on.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: "Discipline." "How would you handle Marvin taking another kid's toy?" Barney?
Barney: That's easy.
[fantasy scene of Barney holding a belt]
Robin: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ted: I'm calling Child Services.
Barney: Wait for it.
[fantasy scene with Barney talking to suited-up, six-year-old Marvin:]
Barney: I'll return your $1,900 alligator-skin belt when you return that toy. Until then, you can wear this disgusting black-and-brown reversible belt. [Marvin cries] Hey, I don't like it any more than you do!

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Ted, how would you discipline little Marvin?
Ted: I would be firm. Fair, but firm.
[fantasy with Ted and six-year-old Marvin:]
Ted: You, sir, just lost your television privileges. Okay, you can watch TV, but nothing violent. Okay, it can be violent, but you have to do the dishes first. Okay, I'll do the dishes, you watch TV. Let's go get some ice cream! Come on!
[reality:]
Ted: But no sprinkles.
Marshall: Robin?
Ted: Okay, sprinkles.


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