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33Quotes from ‘Monday Night Football’

How I Met Your Mother: Monday Night Football

214. Monday Night Football

Aired February 5, 2007

After they gang miss the Superbowl because of a funeral, they adopt a media blackout to get through Monday without learning the score.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [enters, on the phone] Seriously, that's the last time I'm gonna call you today. Okay. Good-bye. You didn't hang up either! I know! You hang up! You hang up! My bookie. Great guy.
Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Ted: "Sartorial"?
Barney: "Of or pertaining to tailors or their trade." Suits are for the living. That's why when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it buck naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?!
[Barney holds his hand up for a high-five. A giggling Marshall is the only one to accept]

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Quote from Ted

Barney: Unlock me, Ted. I've never gone this long without calling my bookie. He worries.
Ted: Not until game time.
Barney: Where are you going?
Ted: Pick up the hot wings.
Barney: What? How the hell are you planning on getting in and out of a sports bar without seeing the score? There's TVs everywhere.
Ted: Ah, don't worry. I got it all planned out. First of all: I placed duct tape on a pair of sunglasses so I can only see out of two tiny holes. Next, I constructed blinders out of an old cereal box. Top it all off: high-tech noise-reducing headphones I bought when Marshall and Lily first got back together and were doing it a lot. I call it the Sensory Deprivator 5000.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Weeks earlier, Marshall had promised Lily he'd come into her kindergarten class for show-and-tell day.
Lily: And he's a little bit double-jointed. And his favorite animal is the Loch Ness monster.
Marshall: Lily, how many times...? Nessie is a gentle creature. We're trying to stay away from terms like "monster."

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] And here's the funny part, as unforgettable as that Super Bowl was, here it is 23 years later and I don't remember who won... Hell, I don't even remember who played. What I do remember is that we drank beer, we ate wings and we watched the Super Bowl together. Because sometimes, even if you know how something's going to end, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride. We even raised a toast to good old Mike. I mean Mark. Matt. Crap! Why do I keep doing that?

Quote from Barney

Ted: Marshall, you're on beer detail. Lily, you're making the bean dip. Uh, Robin, you're on chips and pretzels, and Barney, I'm giving you nothing to do so you can just focus on controlling your gambling problem.
Barney: [scoffs] "Problem." Oh, poor Superman, he should really do something about his flying problem. It's not a problem if you're awesome at it.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Okay, here's the plan. Record the game, go to the funeral, pay our respects to Matt...
Lily: Mark.
Ted: Mark, and start watching only an hour late.
Marshall: Okay, that's great, but just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us: the power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, O magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats.
Marshall: Amen.
Ted: Amen.

Quote from Barney

[As the gang peer down into the casket]
All: Oh! [mournfully] Oh!
Barney: Such a waste.
Lily: I know. He was so young.
Barney: A hand-stitched, cashmere, double-breasted Dolce & Gabbana. It must be so frightened.

Quote from Lily

[flashback to 2004:]
Ted: God, this is such a great tradition, all of us watching the game together. How did this start?
Marshall: Hey, Barney, I bet you 20 bucks that Casey misses this field goal.
Barney: I don't bet. Betting's for suckers.
Marshall: Make it like a dollar or something, you know. Who cares? No big deal.
Barney: Fine.
Marshall: See, there you go, he made it. You win.
Barney: Wait. This is mine, just like that? God, that feels good. No, that feels really... good. What else can we bet on?
Marshall: Nothing, it's the halftime show.
Lily: Oh, so lame. Nobody even pays attention. I mean, Janet Jackson, who cares?

Quote from Robin

[flashback to 2006:]
Ted: God, how cool is Robin?
Marshall: I can't believe you invited this girl we've only known for a few months to our sacred day. Now she's gonna be in all the pictures.
Barney: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll give you the Seahawks plus six points for 500 bucks.
Marshall: Are you crazy? Maybe for $50.
Barney: $50?! What fun is $50?! Why don't we just bet air?! God, Marshall! Okay, $50.
Robin: Hey, I'll take that action. Seahawks, but make it four points and make it a grand. Hey, these wings, are they chicken wings or angel wings? Oh, commercials! Monkey with a coconut bra. Hilarious.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] The media blackout was particularly hard on Robin because, well, she was the media.
Robin: But unfortunately, the City won't be fixing the unusually large pothole any time soon, so buckle up if you're on the BQE. It's gonna be a bumpy one.
Kevin: Like morning commutes needed to get any harder.
Robin: You're right, Kevin.
Kevin: Well, Robin, what do you say? I think it's time to check in with Sid for a sports update.
Robin: No!
Kevin: What?
Robin: No.
Kevin: But it's, uh, time for Sports.
Robin: No, it's not. It's time for Weather.
Kevin: We, we just did Weather.
Robin: Well, weather's pretty fickle, it may have changed. What's it doing out there, Lou?
Lou: Pretty much the same thing it was two minutes ago. Back to you, Robin.
Kevin: Okay, now it's time for Sports.
Robin: No! Let's go to Traffic Todd in the Metro News 1 Gridlock Chopper.
Kevin: Robin, it's time for Sports! Over to you, Sid.

Quote from Robin

Robin: [on TV] And after the Super Bowl, the mayor of the losing team's city had to pay up, sending the mayor of the winning team's city 15 pounds of a delicacy his of her city is famous for. Better fire up whatever type of grill, steamer or fryer one might use to cook that delicacy, Winning Team's Mayor.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Sir, who won the Super Bowl?
Man #1: Sorry. I missed the game.
Barney: You missed...?! How could he miss...? Excuse me! Who won the Super Bowl?!
Man #2: I... don't really follow sports.
Barney: Oh, my...! Emmitt Smith! Oh, thank God.
Emmitt Smith: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Barney: You got to tell me, who won the Super Bowl?
Emmitt Smith: The game was last night? You know, once you win two or three of those things, it's kind of like, eh.
Barney: But you're Emmitt Smith. You're a football player. It's Super Bowl Sunday. What could possibly be more important than football?!
Emmitt Smith: Dance, my friend. Dance.
Barney: [drops to his knees and cries] No!


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