Barney: You know, it's funny. You tell the average guy you're dating a stripper, he thinks it's awesome. Heck, you tell your mom, she high-fives you so fast, she doesn't even take off her oven mitts. But if they had any idea
how difficult it is - the jealousy, the insecurity - those high fives would be high fives of condolence.
Ted: Barney, condolence high fives are not a thing.
Barney: They're a thing.
[flashback to Barney at work:]
Barney: I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go. Up top.

Barney: No, I'm thinking of something much more traditional: online dating.
Ted: Yeah. No, thanks.
Barney: Come on, Ted, it's 2012. What do you expect, to meet some cute travel agent when you're readin' a newspaper at a bookstore? None of those things exist anymore.

Marshall: Lily's right. I've been acting crazy.
Barney: Nah, it's okay, bro. I mean, yeah, you've been a little crazy. But it comes from love. It's the same kind of crazy that makes a man offer his stripper girlfriend over half a million dollars of government bailout money not to rub up on other guys' junk. It's good crazy.

Lily: Man, Marshall's really stressing out about this baby. He's reading every book, watching breast-feeding documentaries. I woke up the other day, he had swaddled me. Sure, it was the best night's sleep I have had in months, but still...

Ted: Uh, so how was the shower?
Lily: It was good. Although there was one weird moment with Barney's new stripper girlfriend.
[flashback:]
Grandma Lois: Fifty laps a day? Oh, my goodness, young lady, that is a lot.
Barney: Oh, is it? Is it a lot, Grandma Lois? Yes, my girlfriend gets naked and sits on guys' laps for money. And, yes, sometimes it's as many as 50 laps in one day. And maybe society considers what she does to be "disgusting." Or "slutty." Or verging on "prostitution." Or "actual prostitution." But you know what? I accept her. And if you can't do the same, well, then shame on you. Shame. On. You.
Quinn: We were, um, talking about swimming, how I sometimes swim 50 laps a day.
Barney: Well, it's great cardio. Lois, can I top off your champagne?

Barney: Ah, listen to me and my boring couples' problems. How are you? How's the single life?
Ted: I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, for the time being, I'm layin' low.
Barney: Laying low, as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doin' 39?

Ted: Barney, I will never, ever, ever try online dating.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, I tried online dating. And, kids, the first girl I found was amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, huge fan of pre-war architecture. Favorite poet: Neruda. Favorite movie: Ghostbusters. And she didn't hate Cleveland.
Ted: She's perfect. So I sent her an e-mail inviting her to... mini golf. [Ted's phone rings. He answers]
Barney: [on the phone] Mini golf? Who takes a first date to mini golf? I'm coming over.
[Barney enters Ted's apartment]

Barney: Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted.
Ted: Who buzzed you in?
Barney: Did you really think you could start dating online and I wouldn't find out?
Ted: But- Wha- Th-This girl, she-she was-
Barney: Me. She was me, Ted. The photo was just of some girl I knew you'd never seen before. A very famous sports anchor on ESPN.

[flashback to Lily being awoken in the night by a klaxon:]
Lily: Marshall, what is that?
Marshall: I rigged this alarm to go off every three hours. I'm training myself for the sporadic sleep patterns of early parenthood. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a practice baby to soothe.
[present:]
Ted: You got to talk to him.
Lily: Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight. Maybe tomorrow morning.
Ted: One last swaddle?
Lily: It's just so cozy. It's like sleeping in a warm burrito.

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, I filled Barney in on my date.
Barney: Oh, Yobin.
Ted: No, Robyn. And for the rest of the night, every time I looked at her, I just saw Robin's face.
Barney: Well, I should hope so.
Ted: No, our Robin. Robin with an "l."
Barney: Uh, our Robin has two eyes, my friend. But that's good. You're forgetting what she looks like.