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31Quotes from ‘The Yips’

How I Met Your Mother: The Yips

310. The Yips

Aired November 26, 2007

The gang join a gym. After Barney runs into the woman he lost his virginity to, his entire sexual history comes crashing down.

Quote from Barney

[cut Barney and Ted at the gym:]
Barney: There goes one of my investments now. Cheryl, hard work's paying off. Keep up the good work.
Ted: So your investments... are women?
Barney: Women who, how shall I put this delicately? They fat. So, I come here, give them lots of attention now. Then when they get hot, who's the first guy they run to? The one who invested in them when they weren't.
Ted: Wow, I can't decide if I'm thoroughly disgusted or really, really impressed.
Barney: Of course, not all investments pay dividends. See the girl over there at the vending machine, Tonya. She is one Kit Kat away from junk bond status.
Becky: Hey, Barney.
Barney: Becky, elliptical machine's really working for you. Nice stuff. [to Ted] That one's going to reward shareholders soon. I foresee aggressive growth in my future. What up?

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Quote from Barney

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney talking to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
Barney: Of course. The Man Maker. And it'll be easier too, 'cause she knows me so well.
[later, Barney goes to Rhonda's house:]
Rhonda: Hi, Barry.
Barney: Barney. Hi, Ms. French. I know we haven't seen each other for a while, but if there was any chance...
[later, in Rhonda's bedroom:]
Rhonda: Oh, boy. You just rocked my world. That was the best sex I ever had.
[present:]
Barney: That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani clad and fully awesome.

Quote from Barney

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness, but I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.

Quote from James

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney crying next to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
James: Barney. Barney, you need to find a girl and have sex with her ASAP. That is what dudes do after a breakup.
Barney: I know. I want to, but... I guess I'm just scared.
James: Of course you're scared. It's gross. The thought of doing that with a woman... But it's part of being a guy. Try thinking about baseball. Somehow I imagine those players on the field and it's over a lot faster.

Quote from James

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney talking to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
Barney: But I don't know the first thing about seducing a woman. What do you...? How do you...? Where do you...?
James: Stop. Don't overthink it. You don't want to get the yips.
Barney: The yips?
James: Yeah, when you overthink simple things so much that you can't do them at all.
Barney: The yips.
James: Yeah, it happens to athletes all the time. Like the second baseman who suddenly can't throw to first or the figure skater who does a perfect triple toe loop and then loses it on the arabesque. [laughs] I've actually really been getting into figure skating lately.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: So I'm doing sit-ups and she says, "All right, Marshall, just one more set." So I summon all my strength and I do that set, and then she says, "Give me another set." So I'm like, "Is this the last set?" And she says yes. So I do that set and then she says, "Give me another set." She lied to my face! Everything hurts.
Lily: Baby, the whole point of working out is to feel better. This trainer is making you miserable. You have to call her and quit.
Marshall: I got to work through it. I got to finish what I started.
Lily: If you're too scared, I can call her.
Marshall: Her number's on this card.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [on the phone] Hi. Is this Trish? This is Marshall's wife. Listen, we have a problem here and it's you. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but from now on, you don't tell Marshall what to do. You are an employee. We tell you what to do. And I'm telling you you're fired, bitch. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, bye. [hangs up] You better get down there, baby. She's pretty pissed.


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