[cut Barney and Ted at the gym:]
Barney: There goes one of my investments now. Cheryl, hard work's paying off. Keep up the good work.
Ted: So your investments... are women?
Barney: Women who, how shall I put this delicately? They fat. So, I come here, give them lots of attention now. Then when they get hot, who's the first guy they run to? The one who invested in them when they weren't.
Ted: Wow, I can't decide if I'm thoroughly disgusted or really, really impressed.
Barney: Of course, not all investments pay dividends. See the girl over there at the vending machine, Tonya. She is one Kit Kat away from junk bond status.
Becky: Hey, Barney.
Barney: Becky, elliptical machine's really working for you. Nice stuff. [to Ted] That one's going to reward shareholders soon. I foresee aggressive growth in my future. What up?

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney talking to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
Barney: Of course. The Man Maker. And it'll be easier too, 'cause she knows me so well.
[later, Barney goes to Rhonda's house:]
Rhonda: Hi, Barry.
Barney: Barney. Hi, Ms. French. I know we haven't seen each other for a while, but if there was any chance...
[later, in Rhonda's bedroom:]
Rhonda: Oh, boy. You just rocked my world. That was the best sex I ever had.
[present:]
Barney: That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani clad and fully awesome.

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness, but I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney crying next to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
James: Barney. Barney, you need to find a girl and have sex with her ASAP. That is what dudes do after a breakup.
Barney: I know. I want to, but... I guess I'm just scared.
James: Of course you're scared. It's gross. The thought of doing that with a woman... But it's part of being a guy. Try thinking about baseball. Somehow I imagine those players on the field and it's over a lot faster.

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney talking to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
Barney: But I don't know the first thing about seducing a woman. What do you...? How do you...? Where do you...?
James: Stop. Don't overthink it. You don't want to get the yips.
Barney: The yips?
James: Yeah, when you overthink simple things so much that you can't do them at all.
Barney: The yips.
James: Yeah, it happens to athletes all the time. Like the second baseman who suddenly can't throw to first or the figure skater who does a perfect triple toe loop and then loses it on the arabesque. [laughs] I've actually really been getting into figure skating lately.

Marshall: So I'm doing sit-ups and she says, "All right, Marshall, just one more set." So I summon all my strength and I do that set, and then she says, "Give me another set." So I'm like, "Is this the last set?" And she says yes. So I do that set and then she says, "Give me another set." She lied to my face! Everything hurts.
Lily: Baby, the whole point of working out is to feel better. This trainer is making you miserable. You have to call her and quit.
Marshall: I got to work through it. I got to finish what I started.
Lily: If you're too scared, I can call her.
Marshall: Her number's on this card.

Lily: [on the phone] Hi. Is this Trish? This is Marshall's wife. Listen, we have a problem here and it's you. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but from now on, you don't tell Marshall what to do. You are an employee. We tell you what to do. And I'm telling you you're fired, bitch. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, bye. [hangs up] You better get down there, baby. She's pretty pissed.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, back to 2007, it seems like everyone belonged to these silly things called gyms. The idea was you'd pay them lots of money to run around and lift heavy things. Biggest rip-off in the world. And yet people fell for it. Including me.
Ted: Oh, hum, forgot my wallet.
Future Ted: It started with one of those moments when you realize you're not as in shape as you want to be.
Ted: That's further than it looks. Coupon's on my dresser. That's too far. Forget it. Please don't judge me.

Robin: [to Barney] Wow, that makes me want to join a gym. So I can get super strong and punch you really hard in the face.
Ted: Yes, we should all do it.
Lily: Yeah, let's all punch Barney in the face.

Ted: No, I'm serious. We put on the beer weight together. We might as well take it off together.
Robin: Or we could just stop drinking beer.
All: No.
Ted: I say we join a gym.