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34Quotes from ‘Desperation Day’

How I Met Your Mother: Desperation Day

616. Desperation Day

Aired February 14, 2011

Marshall is still in Minnesota looking after his mom, but when Lily visits she sees that Judy is the one taking care of Marshall. Ted and Zoey's relationship gets off to a rocky start. Meanwhile, Barney is out to hook up on February 13th - Desperation Day - but ends up meeting a woman in an unexpected way.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I decided to go to Minnesota to see Marshall. He shouldn't have to help his mom through this rough time all by himself.
Barney: You losing your mind, being alone in your apartment?
Lily: I'm getting weird! [v.o.] See, it started off with me throwing Marshall's jersey on my body pillow. And, well, things kind of spiraled from there.
[flashback to Lily sitting down for dinner with a pillow wearing Marshall's suit:]
Lily: I'm sorry I yelled like that before.
[present:]
Lily: I call him "Marshpillow." And he calls me... nothing because he's a pillow.

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Quote from Lily

Ted: You think that's what she means by "baking cookies"?
Lily: Are you kidding? You're in the kitchen, it's getting hot, you start licking stuff off each others' fingers. Before you know it, she's bent over the marble island, and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula. And she's screaming, "Stop, Marshall, stop," but that's just code for "harder!"
Ted: Marshall's been in Minnesota a while.
Lily: So long!

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: I miss my dad, Ted. I miss him so much.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: Um, when I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the Upper Peninsula. And every year, we wouldn't get to the cabin till, like, the middle of the night. And so, it would be pitch black, in the middle of the woods. And I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe 'cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero who could just see way out into the darkness. Now he's just gone. And it's pitch black. And I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I'm telling you. The power of Valentine's Day. I'm Huey Lewis, and you just heard the news.

Quote from Robin

Ted: Hey, I'm trying. I keep suggesting these big, romantic dates, and she keeps putting on the brakes. Like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies.
Robin: Oh. Translation: booty-call.
Barney: Total booty-call.
Lily: Private Booty, reporting for duty.
Ted: That's crazy. She- She wants to bake.
Robin: Guys booty-call girls after 2:00 a.m. with a drunkenly slurred, "What ya doing?" But when a lady booty-calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck real good. It's called class, Ted.

Quote from Lily

Lily: And now he's staying even longer. His mom has been having a really hard time since the funeral. He's waiting on her hand and foot. But... it's Valentine's Day. It's not going to be the same without the two of us watching Predator together.
Future Ted: [v.o.] I should explain. On their very first Valentine's Day, Marshall and Lily set out to watch Sleepless in Seattle.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall in their college dorm:]
Marshall: You know, I saw this in the theater, like, five times, but I never got to see it with the right girl.
Lily: Aw... I'm so glad none of those girls were right for you.
Marshall: What girls?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: [on TV] If it bleeds, we can kill it.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Except Marshall's brothers had taped over it with Predator. And it became a tradition.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Loneliness. The looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching. The two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year, February 13: Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing.
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.
[flashback to Ted as Saint Valentine officiating a wedding in Roman times:]
Barney: [v.o.] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so Saint Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted: That's actually true.
Barney: Wait, there's more.
Ted: This won't be.
[flashback to Barney joining Ted in Roman times:]
Barney: [v.o.] And right by Saint Valentine's side was his best bro, Saint Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
Barney: Whoa. Check out that one. Her body is a perfect X.
Ted: Player, play on. High V.
Robin: Oh, Jupiter, what are your plans for me? 15 and still unmarried.
Barney: And I thought Pompeii was smokin'.
[present:]
Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13. A magical night when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two. Now, there's only one thing you can't do.
Robin: Please say "widows."
Barney: Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.

Quote from Ted

Lily: You brought an overnight bag?
Ted: You guys said I was definitely going to spend the night.
Barney: We said you were going to have sex. We didn't say, "Bring a carry-on."
Robin: So how did Zoey react?
Ted: She thought it was presumptuous and asked me to leave. It's- It's not like I brought a ton of stuff.
Robin: Were there slippers for the morning?
Ted: Not slippers, exactly. [all groan] They're called British morning socks.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Marshall, tomorrow's Valentine's. Don't you want to be at home on our couch, cuddling up under a warm blanket, watching the Predator use his heat vision to stalk helpless prey?
[meanwhile, at MacLaren's, Barney is on the look out for women using his heat vision. He spots a lone woman:]
Barney: [makes Predator clicking noise]

Quote from Barney

Robin: [sighs] Look, she just got out of a marriage, Ted. That's heavy. I'm kind of freaking out, just listening to you. My heart is pounding, I'm hearing this weird clicking noise.
Barney: [makes Predator clicking noise as he hunts for women]

Quote from Barney

Barney: So, you were an Olympic gymnast?
Woman: Silver medal.
Barney: Ooh, sorry. Gold's the only thing that really counts.
Woman: That's what my dad said.
Barney: And she sticks the landing. Why don't you start stretching, and I'll... be right back.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Why aren't you wearing purple like your friends?
Nora: Oh, I told them I forgot, but the truth is, I'm kind of protesting their protest. Can you keep a secret?
Barney: Sure.
Nora: I love Valentine's Day.
Barney: Oh, my gosh! Me, too! Um, is it getting crowded in here, 'cause I think there are two peas in this pod?
Nora: Oh, you're a gooey romantic, too?
Barney: Guilty. This is embarrassing, but every year, I buy flowers and a box of chocolates, even if I'm not with someone. Just in case, you know?
Nora: We are pitiful.
Barney: The worst. [both chuckle]
Nora: Although there is one difference between you and me.
Barney: What's that?
Nora: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Are you sure it's okay with Zoey that you're here for Valentine's Day?
Ted: Well, I mean, technically, she doesn't know yet.
Marshall: What?
Ted: Things with Zoey are moving really fast, and the divorce just makes everything more complicated. I just, I needed to take a step back.
Marshall: You're not taking a step back. You're running away. And hiding out here, hiding out here is not gonna
solve anything. You're just holed up in Minnesota because you're too scared to face reality, and it's... We got to go back to New York, tonight.
Ted: We're snowed in. Lily got the last flight.
Marshall: So, we drive. It's time. It's time to get back to real life. It's time to grow up.
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: [loudly] Mom! Can you make us some PB and J's for the road?
Ted: Crusts cut off.
Marshall: Crusts cut off! No, Ted. What are we...? We're men. [loudly] Mom! Leave the crusts on!

Quote from Marshall

Marvin Sr.: Here's a secret. I couldn't see worth a damn, either, buddy. I just kept driving forward, hoping for the best. Look out!
Marshall: [gasps]
Marvin Sr.: Gotcha.


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