Barney: One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?

Barney: My, oh, my there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Alright, hookup strategy, colon, find a cutlet; lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine.
Ted: Do strategies ever work for you?
Barney: The question is, do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way the answer's "about half the time".

Future Ted: [v.o.] So kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf?
Son: Why does he even ask?
Daughter: I know, he's just going to tell us anyway.
Future Ted: I sure am.

Robin: He's even getting me into the VIP room.
Barney: Yeah, he just wants to show you his own VIP if you know what I mean...
Robin: Okay, what does "VIP" stand for in your universe?
Barney: [silence] Well, I know that the "P" is penis.

Ted: Ever since then she's been signing him up for book clubs, cooking classes...
Barney: All the things you do when you know where the next ten thousand lays are coming from.

Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Can you get me in there? I kind of need to kill him.
Robin: Actually, I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. No VIP. I'm not even an IP. I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.

Lily: He just left in the middle of our own party. You don't do that. Unless, of course, you're chasing after someone who's already done it, and then I think it's okay.
Robin: Well, I hate to take his side, but come on, a wine tasting? What's the big plan for next Saturday, scrabble night?
Lily: Don't check your email.

Robin: Yeah, well the owner goes to my gym. It turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for Metro News One. So now, I'm on the list for tonight.
Ted: Nice going, Scherbatsky. You're becoming a long and difficult-to-spell household name.

Future Ted: It all began when Robin strolled into the bar and said...
Robin: Say you're my bitch.
Ted: I'm your bitch. Why this time?

Robin: Because tonight, I am getting us all into "Okay".
Barney: "Okay"!? Awesome!!
Ted: What's going on, did I just have a stroke?
Barney: "Okay" is the name of a club. Yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive. This friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, he couldn't get in.
Ted: A friend of yours named you?
Barney: No, a friend of mine named shut up.

Lily: I don't know, I just felt embarrassed. Claire is my age, and she and her husband do all these classy grownup stuff. Maybe we should start doing some grownup stuff.
Marshall: That was some pretty grownup stuff we did this morning.
Lily: [laughs] Yeah, but it wasn't classy.