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38Quotes from ‘Robin 101’

How I Met Your Mother: Robin 101

503. Robin 101

Aired October 5, 2009

When Barney starts being an attentive boyfriend, Robin fears he is cheating on her.

Quote from Barney

Ted: "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down...
Barney: I'm bored.
Ted: You said you wanted my help.
Barney: Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
Ted: We did that ready.
Barney: No, like, really big boobs.
Ted: No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.
Barney: Can we have class outside?
Ted: No! What Robin really wants deep down... [Barney's cell phone chimes] Barney!
Barney: What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?
Ted: Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?
Barney: They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?
Ted: Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me?
Barney: Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I got to find a way to reach this kid.
Ted: [under his breath] I've got to find a way to reach this kid.

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Quote from Ted

Lily: "Class number two."
Robin: "Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning."
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. What do these mean?
Barney: You guys just had sex? Oh! Wasn't me.
Ted: Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? Can we just...
Barney: Okay.
Ted: This look is hunger. If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her quick,or one of two things will happen. One: weird, out-of-context laughter. (changing the photo) Or two: spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. But the most important facial expression of all?
Barney: That's a building.
Ted: Oh... [chuckling] That's for my class. The Flatiron Building. Fun story about it. It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style. This architectural gem...
Barney: Dude!
Ted: Okay, the most important facial expression of all.
Barney: Whoa!
Ted: Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you. And you will cry... for the third time... that night. Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb.

Quote from Ted

Robin: "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean?
Lily: "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You."
Robin: Distract me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!
Lily: "Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: One. "Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title."
[back:]
Robin: What?! That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Two. "Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance."
[back:]
Robin: You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Three. "Emperor Penguins."
[back:]
Robin: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? Mr. Penguin. [bows] Mrs. Penguin. [bows] Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy. [laughs] What were we talking about?

Quote from Barney

Ted: Oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh? Okay. Pop quiz.
Barney: What...
Ted: When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?
Barney: Trick question. Get her butterscotch.
Ted: Correct! Why?
Barney: Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.
Ted: Correct! What is Robin's dream job?
Barney: To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time.
Ted: Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?
Barney: No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her Dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"

Quote from Future Ted

Robin: So you need a hand throwing it out?
Marshall: No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? Mabel's like family.
Robin: So, um, what are you gonna do with Mabel?
Marshall: I want to give her away, um, to a lucky new owner. Do you know anyone?
Robin: Yeah, hmm, let me think. Do I know any rodeo clowns? Oh, that's weird, I do. But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.
Marshall: Well, he's not going to have the chance, because I am putting old Mabel in the Bermuda Triangle.
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Bermuda Triangle was the name we'd given years earlier to the curb right in front of our building. Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there. It was uncanny.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your uncle Barney had been called a lot of names over the years.
[flashback montage:]
Woman #1: [throws drink in Barney's face] Jerk!
Woman #2: [throws drink in Barney's face] Bastard!
Woman #3: Barack Obama Jr.?
Barney: Mm-hmm. And yes... we can.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called.
Robin: Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. I've said it, like, a hundred times it still sounds weird to say.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Barney returning to the apartment to find Robin crying:]
Barney: Hey. What's wrong?
Robin: [crying] It was just one thing after another at work today, and then... I found out my aunt's in the hospital. I'm just, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just...
Barney: Shh, shh, shh. What you need to do is talk through this stuff.
Robin: Oh, thanks.
Barney: And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, I'll be down in the bar ready to have sex. Mm-kay?

Quote from Barney

Barney: She really said that?
Ted: And she meant it. Trust me. I dated Robin for a year. If you don't want to lose her, you gotta try a little harder. Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. You know, just be present.
Barney: Yes, totally. Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me--
Ted: Mm-hmm.
Barney: I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff that Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm Robin. We should've cleared it out for you much sooner.
Robin: There's a basement storage area?
Marshall: Oh, you're not upset. Good. Baby, guess what I found.
[Marshall struggles to push a huge barrel into the apartment]
Lily: Oh, that's great, honey.
Robin: What the hell is that?
Lily: Marshall got it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years.
Marshall: Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin
Robin: Barrel resin?
Lily: Just go with it.

Quote from Robin

Lily: A college notebook?!
Robin: Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl. I knew there was a skank but I thought she'd at least be dumb. "Birthday: July 23. Favorite hockey team: the Vancouver Canucks. Age: 29, but tells people that she's 26." Oh, my God, these are notes about me. Or some 29-year-old version of me.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? Let me rephrase that. Did you two ladies lose some weight?
Lily: What do you know about this, Marshall?
Robin: Why would Barney have a notebook full of information about me?
Marshall: Well...
[cut to a college classroom:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] The truth was Barney was taking a night school class taught... by me.
Ted: Welcome to Robin 101.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Why is Ted teaching a class about me?
Marshall: It all started a few weeks ago.
[flashback to Ted and Barney talking at MacLaren's:]
Barney: ...rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out! [leaves but turns right back] Stinson back in. Say, hypothetically, I did want to change who I am to become a better boyfriend to Robin, which I do not! What kind of changes are we talking about?
Ted: Why, I mean, there's just so much you need to know about her. Okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front her.
Barney: Okay.
Ted: And whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: [looking out the window] Uh-oh. Looks like we got a taker. Oh, come on, dude. You know you want to. A guy like you, beard, no mustache. You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel. Do it. [Dog pees on the barrel] No. No. That's not a fire hydrant! What... For shame, Sir. For shame! I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to.
Lily: Neither can you, sweetie.
Marshall: Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God!

Quote from Ted

Robin: Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me.
Lily: I don't know. Check this out. This is actually kind of sweet.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call "touchy-feely." She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person. Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot."
Barney: "You're an idiot"?
Ted: Yup. If she tells you you're an idiot, you're a lucky man. And if she does say "I love you," she's already broken up with you in her mind.

Quote from Ted

Lily: I think 's nice that Ted knows you that well.
Robin: Ah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled...
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones." Right knee, ticklish. Left knee...
[flashback to Ted and Robin in bed in 2006:]
Ted: Does lefty like that?
Robin: [groans]
[back:]
Ted: Oh, yeah. Lefty like that.
Barney: I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby. That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Yes! But I guess you're right. You haven't learned anything. Sorry to have wasted your time.
[As Ted begins to walk out the class room, Barney stands up on a chair]
Barney: "Oh, Captain! My Captain!"
Ted: How good was Dead Poet's Society?
Barney: I know, right? The end? Tears.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life not to have my father to say, "I am proud of you, eh?"
Marshall: Then why are you crying now?
Robin: [sobbing] I'm not crying.
Lily: Oh, sweetie. Can I get you some butterscotch?
Robin: Oh, stop it.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Wait a second. It says here that the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday.
Lily: So?
Robin: That's right now.
[cut to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake. Robin Scherbatsky is a classic, textbook... cover hog. Any questions?
[Robin, Lily and Marshall enter the classroom]
Robin: Yeah, I have one.
Ted: Yes, Robin?
[Ted and Barney both gasp]

Quote from Barney

Ted: [looking at Robin] Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. Uh-oh.
Barney: I got this. [to Robin] So, emperor penguins, crazy, huh?

Quote from Ted

Robin: I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy?
Ted: Oh, that's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class.
Robin: "Auditing"?
Ted: Well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks much English.
Barney: On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you during the role-playing exercises.
Robin: Wait. You did role-playing exercises where I was played by Shin-Ya?
Shin-Ya: [in Japanese] They made me wear a wig. It was very demeaning.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey. Before you say anything, I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay? Here, I'll get rid of the notebook. But there's... There's something that I did want to say to you. Robin, I have been with a lot of women, blondes, brunettes, redheads, big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way. The point is - Boobs that pointed in opposite direc... The point is... I'm really scared that you're going to dump me and that's why I did this and I'm sorry.
Robin: You're an idiot. [kisses Barney]


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