Ted: "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down...
Barney: I'm bored.
Ted: You said you wanted my help.
Barney: Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
Ted: We did that ready.
Barney: No, like, really big boobs.
Ted: No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.
Barney: Can we have class outside?
Ted: No! What Robin really wants deep down... [Barney's cell phone chimes] Barney!
Barney: What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?
Ted: Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?
Barney: They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?
Ted: Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me?
Barney: Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I got to find a way to reach this kid.
Ted: [under his breath] I've got to find a way to reach this kid.

Lily: "Class number two."
Robin: "Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning."
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. What do these mean?
Barney: You guys just had sex? Oh! Wasn't me.
Ted: Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? Can we just...
Barney: Okay.
Ted: This look is hunger. If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her quick,or one of two things will happen. One: weird, out-of-context laughter. (changing the photo) Or two: spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. But the most important facial expression of all?
Barney: That's a building.
Ted: Oh... [chuckling] That's for my class. The Flatiron Building. Fun story about it. It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style. This architectural gem...
Barney: Dude!
Ted: Okay, the most important facial expression of all.
Barney: Whoa!
Ted: Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you. And you will cry... for the third time... that night. Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb.

Robin: "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean?
Lily: "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You."
Robin: Distract me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!
Lily: "Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: One. "Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title."
[back:]
Robin: What?! That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Two. "Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance."
[back:]
Robin: You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Three. "Emperor Penguins."
[back:]
Robin: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? Mr. Penguin. [bows] Mrs. Penguin. [bows] Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy. [laughs] What were we talking about?

Ted: Oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh? Okay. Pop quiz.
Barney: What...
Ted: When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?
Barney: Trick question. Get her butterscotch.
Ted: Correct! Why?
Barney: Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.
Ted: Correct! What is Robin's dream job?
Barney: To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time.
Ted: Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?
Barney: No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her Dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"

Robin: So you need a hand throwing it out?
Marshall: No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? Mabel's like family.
Robin: So, um, what are you gonna do with Mabel?
Marshall: I want to give her away, um, to a lucky new owner. Do you know anyone?
Robin: Yeah, hmm, let me think. Do I know any rodeo clowns? Oh, that's weird, I do. But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.
Marshall: Well, he's not going to have the chance, because I am putting old Mabel in the Bermuda Triangle.
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Bermuda Triangle was the name we'd given years earlier to the curb right in front of our building. Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there. It was uncanny.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your uncle Barney had been called a lot of names over the years.
[flashback montage:]
Woman #1: [throws drink in Barney's face] Jerk!
Woman #2: [throws drink in Barney's face] Bastard!
Woman #3: Barack Obama Jr.?
Barney: Mm-hmm. And yes... we can.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called.
Robin: Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. I've said it, like, a hundred times it still sounds weird to say.

[flashback to Barney returning to the apartment to find Robin crying:]
Barney: Hey. What's wrong?
Robin: [crying] It was just one thing after another at work today, and then... I found out my aunt's in the hospital. I'm just, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just...
Barney: Shh, shh, shh. What you need to do is talk through this stuff.
Robin: Oh, thanks.
Barney: And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, I'll be down in the bar ready to have sex. Mm-kay?

Barney: She really said that?
Ted: And she meant it. Trust me. I dated Robin for a year. If you don't want to lose her, you gotta try a little harder. Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. You know, just be present.
Barney: Yes, totally. Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me--
Ted: Mm-hmm.
Barney: I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!

Marshall: Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff that Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm Robin. We should've cleared it out for you much sooner.
Robin: There's a basement storage area?
Marshall: Oh, you're not upset. Good. Baby, guess what I found.
[Marshall struggles to push a huge barrel into the apartment]
Lily: Oh, that's great, honey.
Robin: What the hell is that?
Lily: Marshall got it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years.
Marshall: Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin
Robin: Barrel resin?
Lily: Just go with it.

Lily: A college notebook?!
Robin: Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl. I knew there was a skank but I thought she'd at least be dumb. "Birthday: July 23. Favorite hockey team: the Vancouver Canucks. Age: 29, but tells people that she's 26." Oh, my God, these are notes about me. Or some 29-year-old version of me.