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34Quotes from ‘Bass Player Wanted’

How I Met Your Mother: Bass Player Wanted

913. Bass Player Wanted

Aired December 16, 2013

The gang encounters a guy at the wedding who loves to stir up trouble between people. Meanwhile, Marshall gets some unexpected help as he reaches the Farhampton Inn.

Quote from The Mother

Marshall: Hey, thanks again for picking us up. It's been a crazy couple days. You can't imagine what we've been through.
The Mother: Wait, let me guess. You were visiting a relative? Maybe your mother? And I'm getting a Midwest vibe, somewhere like Wisconsin... [Marshall scoffs] No. Minnesota?
Marshall: Wow, you're, like, really good at this.
The Mother: You're planning an overseas trip with your wife. I'm seeing a feisty redhead who loves art. She just got a job in Europe. Maybe France? No. Italy? Total shot in the dark, but Rome?
Marshall: Maybe I'll just like... I'll get out right here.
The Mother: You're not going anywhere. No, I'm just messing with you. I rode the train with your wife. She told me all about you. You must be Marshall.

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Quote from The Mother

Marshall: So, what did Darren do to you?
The Mother: Well, a few years ago, I started this band. You know, it was a goof. It was just me and a couple of dorks from business school. I'm actually embarrassed to tell you our name.
Marshall: I had an all-lawyer band called The Funk, the Whole Funk and Nothing but the Funk.
The Mother: Oh, I now feel very safe talking about my band, Super Freakonomics.
Marshall: Nice.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in a pizza.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when your Uncle Marshall's bus broke down five miles away from the Farhampton Inn, he made a vow.
Marshall: I can walk that far.
Future Ted: Yes, it was another exciting installment of...
Marshall: [singing v.o.] Marshall versus the machines Our hero starts his journey With steely-eyed resolve But let's skip ahead to later With a slow dissolve So tired, dehydrated Not making any sense And wait a second Why is Bigfoot standing by that fence?
Bigfoot: Oh. Hey, you didn't see this.
Marshall: [singing v.o.] I'm not hallucinating Bigfoot really exists But everyone knows He quit smoking years ago Oh, crap, I'm losing it.
The Mother: Excuse me. Hey. You guys need a lift?
Future Ted: And that's how Marshall met your mother.

Quote from Robin

Darren: By the way, I am so psyched for the wedding tomorrow, Robin. I'm truly honored that you and Barney asked me to be a part of it.
Robin: We're honored you're here... valued invitee. [telepathically] Help me. Who is this?
Lily: [telepathically] Maybe he's one of your long-Iost Canadian cousins?
Robin: Uh, do you happen to have all of your fingers and teeth?
Darren: Uh, yeah. Heh.
Robin: [telepathically] Not one of my cousins.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Going to jail for your best friend, that's the dream.
Ted: Really? That's the dream?
Barney: Yeah. It's the most noble... Nay, bro-ble, thing a bro can do for a fellow bro. So, yes, Ted. That's the dream.
Ted: You're too liberal with, "That's the dream."
Barney: Name one other time I said that.
Ted: A suit of prosciutto so you can eat your way naked, that's the dream. A pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus, that's the dream. Being able to take a year's worth of dumps in a non-stop 24-hour period, then not having to dump for the rest of the year, that's the dream.
Barney: I never said Dump Day was the dream. I said science is this close to a pill.

Quote from The Mother

Marshall: Thanks again for saving us.
The Mother: Well, I don't normally stop like that, but I just had to for the cutest hitchhiker in the world.
Marshall: Thank you. Oh, you're talking about Marvin. Sorry, it's been a really, really long day. When we get there, I'll buy you a drink.
The Mother: Thank you. But after I drop you off, I'm heading back to the city.
Marshall: What? I thought you said your band's playing the wedding. Why you leaving?
The Mother: The lead singer. He's the devil. He's a total fire-starter. Just ruins people's lives for his own amusement. You know, he will walk up to two friends, he will find the one thing that will destroy their friendship and just, poof, burn it to the ground.
Marshall: Wow, what's his name?
[meanwhile:]
Darren: What's popping, mi amigos?
The Mother: [v.o.] Darren.

Quote from The Mother

The Mother: Next, he tells you a deep, personal secret that is usually the tragic back-story from an animated kid's film.
[at the bar:]
Darren: My mother died on a hunting trip.
[car:]
The Mother: It's often Bambi.
[bar:]
Darren: My father was betrayed and killed by a trusted advisor.
[car:]
The Mother: Sometimes he'll throw a little Lion King in there.
[bar:]
Darren: I have no family. But tonight, I think maybe I found two brothers. Sorry, blah, too heavy. Pfft.
Ted: [sobbing] That's okay, man.
Barney: [sobbing] Let me get you a drink.
The Mother: [v.o.] And then, once your guard is down, the emotional prostate exam begins.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Look, all I meant was that there are two sides here. Yes, Italy is your dream, but being a judge is Marshall's. Well, that and teaching prop comedy to a tropical bird.
Lily: Parrot Top has nothing to do with this.

Quote from The Mother

The Mother: Anyway, I brought Darren in to split lead vocals, and he took over. First, he took away my solos,
then I got demoted to backup vocals, and now the only time I use a mic is after Darren's first false exit, when I say: "Do you guys want more Darren?" And then today, I found this ad online.
Marshall: "Ass Player Wanted"?
The Mother: Move your thumb.
Marshall: Oh, "Bass Player Wanted." Wait, he was gonna kick you out of your own band?
The Mother: Yeah. But instead... I quit.
Marshall: You quit? That's it? But it's your band, you must be avenged.
The Mother: Funny you should say that, because as I was leaving the hotel, I ran into someone.
[flashback:]
Lily: You need to steal this douche-monkey's van.

Quote from The Mother

Marshall: Aldrin justice. Nice.
The Mother: Your wife is cool.
Marshall: Oh, the coolest. Hey, did she, um, happen to mention the fact that I'm sort of ruining her dream of moving to Italy?
The Mother: Uh, yeah, that did come up.
[flashback:]
Lily: You need to steal this douche-monkey's van. And then run my husband over with it.
[back:]
The Mother: I think you've got a tough talk coming.
Marshall: Yeah, well, so do you. When we get to the inn, you're gonna go in there and stand up to Darren.
The Mother: Come on. I Aldrin-justiced him.
Marshall: Yeah, but I bet you're just gonna give this van right back to him. I mean, were you at least gonna pee in it a little?
The Mother: I was gonna gas it up and get it washed.

Quote from Marshall

The Mother: Well, here we are. Good luck in there.
Marshall: Thank you. And don't worry, at the reception, I'll yell: "The lead singer sucks skunk junk" after every song. I'll come up with something better than "skunk junk." No, no, "skunk junk" is pretty solid.
The Mother: You can't yell that at the lead singer, because I don't suck skunk junk.
Marshall: Wait, are you saying...?
The Mother: I'm coming in. Darren and I are gonna have a chat about my band.
Marshall: Whoo!
Marvin: Skunk junk.
Marshall: For the record, his first word was "Mommy."

Quote from The Mother

The Mother: This is my band. I started it. And if anyone is getting fired here, it's you, Darren. So hit the bricks, skunk junk. Was that even a little bit intimidating?
Linus: Nope. And the knitting's not helping.
The Mother: I'm sorry, I just met this baby and he needs a hat.
Linus: You can't fire Darren. He gets how hilarious and adorable I am. Plus, it is so inspiring how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda.
The Mother: Aah! That's Finding Nemo. That's new. There's no defeating the devil. New plan. Linus, if at any point tonight, you see me with an empty glass...
Linus: Kennedy Package. It's a very popular choice this weekend.
The Mother: Thank you, Linus.

Quote from Ted

Linus: Here you go.
Ted: Is this from one of you guys?
Barney: No.
Marshall: No.
Ted: Okay. This is incredible. What is this?
Linus: It's the Glen McKenna 35-year.
Barney: Wait a minute. This whole time you had Glen McKenna 35-year? Why didn't you say something?
Linus: You didn't ask about the 35.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And, kids, that's the first drink your mother ever bought me.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Hey, Barney? Ahem. I'm so sorry I missed your rehearsal dinner.
Barney: Oh, that's okay. We didn't even know you weren't here, jerk.
Marshall: Listen, I know it can't make up for being late, but I did get you a special gift.
Barney: Well, hand it over, fat head.
Marshall: Well, you might wanna wait till after the wedding photos.
Barney: Hand it over now, travel breath.
Marshall: Okay, Barney. I'll hand it over.
Barney: Oh, God. It's the fourth slap. I don't know why I was so obnoxious.


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