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As Fast As She Can

‘As Fast As She Can’

Season 4, Episode 23 -  Aired May 11, 2009

Ted unwittingly talks Tony into dumping Stella. Meanwhile, Barney is determined to prove he can talk his way out of a speeding ticket.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, I think I can talk my way
out of a ticket. Challenge accept... wait for it.
[Barney points to Ted. Marshall and Robin laugh.]
Ted: I don't get it. [Barney gives a "think about" gesture] Oh, Ted. "Accep-Ted." I get it now.


Quote from Marshall

Barney: Okay, new topic. I just got a $200 speeding ticket today.
Marshall: Oh, that sucks, dude. You couldn't talk your way out of it?
Barney: You can't talk your way out of a ticket.
Marshall: I've done it. It was... what was it? It was 1998.
[flashback to a police officer writing Marshall a ticket in Minnesota in 1998:]
Police Officer: So where's the fire?
Marshall: There's no fire. Actually, you know, there is a fire at this barbecue I'm headed to. Nothing special.
Burgers, ribs... brats.
Police Officer: Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be... Did you say brats?
Marshall: Yeah, brats. My mom marinates them in Belgian beer for two days. No big. Funny thing was, I could've sworn that one of those thick, succulent, hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it. Weird. Anyways, what were you saying?
Police Officer: Well, what did it say? The brat?
Marshall: It said "Property of Minnesota State Trooper Jorgensen." You a brat man, Officer Jorgensen?
Police Officer: You going to this address?
Marshall: Uh-huh.
Police Officer: Follow me and lean on the horn. We're gonna be running some reds.
Barney: Well, duh. I would've done that, too, if I'd have been going to a barbecue. Damn, I was.

Quote from Marshall

Robin: "What a nice surprise"? No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell from 40 stories and smushed them both. I mean, you didn't let them have it?
Ted: No, we had a nice friendly chat, then, they went their way and I went mine.
Robin: Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right?
[Marshall and Barney stand up and applaud Ted]
Marshall: Well played, sir.
Barney: Bravo.
Robin: What?
Marshall: You see, Robin, Ted played it cool, which is exactly what he should have done. As a matter of fact,
I'd say on a scale ranging from...
[fantasy scene of Ted weeping uncontrollably as he talks to Stella and Tony:]
Ted: And I kept this sweater of yours... and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub for hours just, you know, just sniffing it.
Marshall: ... all the way to...
[An upbeat Ted with a woman who looks just like Stella wearing a beret and holding a small dog:]
Ted: This is my new fiancée. She's basically Stella, except she's French and, as you can see, she's got enormous cans.
French Stella: Enchantée.
Tony: Enchanté.
Marshall: I'd say you nailed it.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I'll do you one better. You, sir, got Stella thinking. "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front. Oh, oh, oh. Did you just feel that? I think we just had a "what up" quake. [high fives Marshall]

Quote from Barney

Barney: Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby! Her water just broke!
Police Officer: Where's your wife?
Barney: She took the other car. This is Italian leather, so...

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, you can do this. You can do this! [checks rear mirror and sees a female officer] Oh, you can do this.
Police Officer: License and regis...
Barney: License and registration.
Police Officer: Excuse me?
Barney: I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful. And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper authorities.
Police Officer: Get out of the car.
Barney: Why, am I under arrest?
Police Officer: No. [removes helmet, unzips her top] But you're about to be under me.
[cut to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Robin: No. False. Did not happen.
Marshall: That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
Barney: When will you realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my real life has better lighting?
Robin: You're lying.
Barney: I am not lying! I swear on my mother. I swear on Goliath National Bank. I swear on my suits. I... am... not... lying.
Future Ted: [v.o.] He was lying.

Quote from Future Ted

Stella: Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything. For what it's worth...
Ted: I'll talk to Tony.
Stella: Really?
Ted: I want you to be happy, Stella. I'll talk to him.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And I did. I don't remember what I said to him, but I guess I changed his mind because the next day, they flew to California. Stella set up a new dermatology practice. And against all odds, Tony found some success as a screenwriter. His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit. But we'll get to that later.

Quote from Lily

Ted: Hey, Lily, you're back!
Lily: Barney, when you told me that peanut butter and jam joke, I was completely disgusted. But I was in the shower this morning and it popped into my head and it actually made me laugh. Peanut butter. So I can see now how I may have overreacted. Marshall's words, not mine.
Barney: Well, it's good to see you again, Lily.
Lily: Thanks. So what have you been up to?
Barney: I'm going to an amnesia ward with a bunch of photos of my children and a wedding ring. I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife, and we are going...
Lily: Okay, so that's good enough for tonight. I gotta ease back into this. See you tomorrow.

Quote from Robin

Robin: You are bad at this, dude.
Barney: Oh, whatever, Robin.
Robin: Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket.
Marshall: What, are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl. Pretty girls don't get tickets. I bet she's been pulled over tons of times, never once gotten a ticket.
Robin: That is outrageous! And factual.
[flashback to Robin crying as a police officer approaches her car:]
Police Officer: License and re... Aw, honey. No, no, no, don't cry. It's okay. No ticket for you. Go a little slower next time, okay?
Robin: [wiping her tears away in the rear mirror] Thank you.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Stella Zinman was the girl I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Until she left me at the altar, smashing my heart to smithereens. So when I ran into her seven months later, there was only one way to deal with her.
Ted: Stella! Great to see you!
Stella: You, too.
Ted: And Tony!
Tony: Hey.
Ted: What a nice surprise this is.

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