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‘As Fast As She Can’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: As Fast As She Can

423. As Fast As She Can

Aired May 11, 2009

Ted unwittingly talks Tony into dumping Stella. Meanwhile, Barney is determined to prove he can talk his way out of a speeding ticket.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, I think I can talk my way
out of a ticket. Challenge accept... wait for it.
[Barney points to Ted. Marshall and Robin laugh.]
Ted: I don't get it. [Barney gives a "think about" gesture] Oh, Ted. "Accep-Ted." I get it now.


Quote from Marshall

Barney: Okay, new topic. I just got a $200 speeding ticket today.
Marshall: Oh, that sucks, dude. You couldn't talk your way out of it?
Barney: You can't talk your way out of a ticket.
Marshall: I've done it. It was... what was it? It was 1998.
[flashback to a police officer writing Marshall a ticket in Minnesota in 1998:]
Police Officer: So where's the fire?
Marshall: There's no fire. Actually, you know, there is a fire at this barbecue I'm headed to. Nothing special.
Burgers, ribs... brats.
Police Officer: Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be... Did you say brats?
Marshall: Yeah, brats. My mom marinates them in Belgian beer for two days. No big. Funny thing was, I could've sworn that one of those thick, succulent, hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it. Weird. Anyways, what were you saying?
Police Officer: Well, what did it say? The brat?
Marshall: It said "Property of Minnesota State Trooper Jorgensen." You a brat man, Officer Jorgensen?
Police Officer: You going to this address?
Marshall: Uh-huh.
Police Officer: Follow me and lean on the horn. We're gonna be running some reds.
Barney: Well, duh. I would've done that, too, if I'd have been going to a barbecue. Damn, I was.

Quote from Marshall

Robin: "What a nice surprise"? No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell from 40 stories and smushed them both. I mean, you didn't let them have it?
Ted: No, we had a nice friendly chat, then, they went their way and I went mine.
Robin: Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right?
[Marshall and Barney stand up and applaud Ted]
Marshall: Well played, sir.
Barney: Bravo.
Robin: What?
Marshall: You see, Robin, Ted played it cool, which is exactly what he should have done. As a matter of fact,
I'd say on a scale ranging from...
[fantasy scene of Ted weeping uncontrollably as he talks to Stella and Tony:]
Ted: And I kept this sweater of yours... and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub for hours just, you know, just sniffing it.
Marshall: ... all the way to...
[An upbeat Ted with a woman who looks just like Stella wearing a beret and holding a small dog:]
Ted: This is my new fiancée. She's basically Stella, except she's French and, as you can see, she's got enormous cans.
French Stella: Enchantée.
Tony: Enchanté.
Marshall: I'd say you nailed it.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I'll do you one better. You, sir, got Stella thinking. "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front. Oh, oh, oh. Did you just feel that? I think we just had a "what up" quake. [high fives Marshall]

Quote from Barney

Barney: Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby! Her water just broke!
Police Officer: Where's your wife?
Barney: She took the other car. This is Italian leather, so...

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, you can do this. You can do this! [checks rear mirror and sees a female officer] Oh, you can do this.
Police Officer: License and regis...
Barney: License and registration.
Police Officer: Excuse me?
Barney: I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful. And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper authorities.
Police Officer: Get out of the car.
Barney: Why, am I under arrest?
Police Officer: No. [removes helmet, unzips her top] But you're about to be under me.
[cut to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Robin: No. False. Did not happen.
Marshall: That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
Barney: When will you realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my real life has better lighting?
Robin: You're lying.
Barney: I am not lying! I swear on my mother. I swear on Goliath National Bank. I swear on my suits. I... am... not... lying.
Future Ted: [v.o.] He was lying.

Quote from Future Ted

Stella: Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything. For what it's worth...
Ted: I'll talk to Tony.
Stella: Really?
Ted: I want you to be happy, Stella. I'll talk to him.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And I did. I don't remember what I said to him, but I guess I changed his mind because the next day, they flew to California. Stella set up a new dermatology practice. And against all odds, Tony found some success as a screenwriter. His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit. But we'll get to that later.

Quote from Lily

Ted: Hey, Lily, you're back!
Lily: Barney, when you told me that peanut butter and jam joke, I was completely disgusted. But I was in the shower this morning and it popped into my head and it actually made me laugh. Peanut butter. So I can see now how I may have overreacted. Marshall's words, not mine.
Barney: Well, it's good to see you again, Lily.
Lily: Thanks. So what have you been up to?
Barney: I'm going to an amnesia ward with a bunch of photos of my children and a wedding ring. I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife, and we are going...
Lily: Okay, so that's good enough for tonight. I gotta ease back into this. See you tomorrow.

Quote from Robin

Robin: You are bad at this, dude.
Barney: Oh, whatever, Robin.
Robin: Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket.
Marshall: What, are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl. Pretty girls don't get tickets. I bet she's been pulled over tons of times, never once gotten a ticket.
Robin: That is outrageous! And factual.
[flashback to Robin crying as a police officer approaches her car:]
Police Officer: License and re... Aw, honey. No, no, no, don't cry. It's okay. No ticket for you. Go a little slower next time, okay?
Robin: [wiping her tears away in the rear mirror] Thank you.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Stella Zinman was the girl I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Until she left me at the altar, smashing my heart to smithereens. So when I ran into her seven months later, there was only one way to deal with her.
Ted: Stella! Great to see you!
Stella: You, too.
Ted: And Tony!
Tony: Hey.
Ted: What a nice surprise this is.

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