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31Quotes from ‘The Sexless Innkeeper’

How I Met Your Mother: The Sexless Innkeeper

504. The Sexless Innkeeper

Aired October 12, 2009

After a woman goes home with Ted but spends the night on his couch, Barney breaks the news to Ted that he was just used for a place to crash. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily are excited to host Robin and Barney for a couples' night.

Quote from Barney

Ted: What the hell is "the sexless innkeeper"?
Barney: Ted, many a man - nay, many a soul - has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?
Ted: Not really.
Barney: T'was the night before New Year's, and the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, and I was stranded in Queens. The tavern grew empty, the gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...
Ted: Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?
Barney: Ted, it's a poem. Last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth. I asked, "Where do you live?" And she said, "One block south." I swallowed my pride and six shots of whiskey, and prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper. And thus she became the sexless innkeeper.

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney: No, not really.
Ted: 'twas the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney: With quill?
Ted: Barney, it's a poem. A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.
Barney: No way. You made that up.
[A blonde woman comes out of Ted's bedroom]
Woman: Are you coming back bed, professor?

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was true. Marshall had become addicted to creating songs and photo montages documenting various mundane events. So for months, all of Marshall's friends and professional colleagues were getting e-mails like this...
[Ted plays a series of video montages from Marshall featuring songs]
Marshall: [singing] Ordered Chinese food today Some moo shu pork sauce got away Flipped the cushion, Now everything's okay.
Marshall: [singing] Cat sitting for Lily's mom, Cat sitting for Lily's mom, It's gonna be fun, It's gonna bring us all closer together. [In one of the pictures, the cat is seen climbing out the window]
Marshall: [singing] Cat funeral, Cat funeral, It was an accident And not entirely my fault, Cat funeral, Meow, meow, meow, meow, Cat funeral, meow, meow, meow, meow. We'll miss you, Whiskers. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...

Quote from Robin

Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw the tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in, nor probably even capable of, having sex. And she thought, "Hey, free lodging."
Ted: No way. I'm not the sexless innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turndown service. Oh!

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was the Fall of 2009 and I was a professor now. So I decided to change my look a little bit. And people were noticing.
Barney: Ah, tweed. Textile of the eunuch.
Marshall: You know, I've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches.
Barney: Because the people who wear them are constantly going, "Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?"

Quote from Ranjit

[flashback to Marshall and Lily having a double date with another couple:]
Marshall: Tonight was fantastic. We should do it again.
Ranjit: I'm sorry, Marshall, but Falguni and I are just not that into you. And you.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: And they kept shoving platters of food in our faces.
Ted: Let me guess. Did Marshall get, like, super intense about the cheese?
Robin: Yeah, how'd you know?
Ted: Poor Marshall. Lily's this gourmet cook, and all she lets Marshall do is pick out one sad block of cheese.
[flashback to Barney and Robin in Marshall and Lily's apartment:]
Lily: That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.
Marshall: You guys are going to want to get in on this Gouda.
Lily: That's seared scallops with a mango chutney.
Marshall: Seriously, don't sleep on the Gouda.
Lily: And that's lobster ravioli in a black truffle oil.
Marshall: Tick-tock goes the Gouda clock.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: And if anything didn't go according to plan, they would freak out.
[flashback to Barney and Robin in Marshall and Lily's apartment:]
Lily: What do you mean, the egg timer is broken? What are we going to use for charades, sweetie?
Marshall: I'm working on it, darling. Okay? Just stall them.
Lily: Now, Robin, you work in television. We're experiencing some technical difficulties. [laughs] You get that? So, we're still laughing. Right? Laugh, Marshall.
[Lily and Marshall laugh]

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Come on, they just got excited. They've been looking for couple best friends forever. Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad.
Robin: Show him.
Barney: This is a web site Marshall already made about last night. It's called itwasthebestnightever.com.
[on the video, Marshall sings a song while a montage of photographs from the night are displayed:]
Marshall: [singing] It was the best night ever Laughter raining down Like April showers Oh, we talked for hours... best night ever...
Ted: Oh, that's not good.
Marshall: [singing on video] Then we played charades. Lily made some creme brulee, lay-lay-lay-lay And now that we're best couple friends There's only one thing left to say... Are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free next Saturday? [speaking] That's the 17th. [singing] Are you free? [speaking] Friday or Sunday would also work. Or basically any other day.
Barney: Needless to say, we've both changed our e-mail addresses.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Who was that?
Ted: Oh, I don't want to brag, But it seems chicks are really digging the whole professor thing. Last night, she picked me up at the bar. And then... Well, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch. But, hey, that happens.
Barney: Uh, no, it doesn't.
Ted: Sure, it does. You know, she was, she was just exhausted from being turned on. But you heard her. She wants to do it again, soon.
Barney: Ted, let me ask you a question. Where does this girl live, exactly?
Ted: Westchester. Why?
Barney: [laughs] You're the sexless innkeeper.
Robin: Oh, my god! You're right! He's totally the sexless innkeeper!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Look! I'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls, but we respect you guys too much as friends to give you some song and dance. You deserve the truth. [sighs] The US Navy has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean. For reasons I can't explain, Robin and I have been tapped to lead the expedition.
Lily: Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like the stuff you say to girls when you're too much of a coward to dump them.
Marshall: Yeah. You know, that's exactly what it sounds like. But if that's true, that's awesome.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: I can't believe you sent them one of those. They think we're insane now.
Marshall: If I recall, they didn't dump us until you brought up that Vermont trip. It was way too early. First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip to Vermont. It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that.
Lily: Oh, what about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades? I gave you one thing to do, Marshall. One thing.
Marshall: One thing? [Lily nods] One thing? Wow. Really? So, I guess that Gouda Just walked itself right through the door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle around not three, not four... But five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?
Lily: You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker!

Quote from Barney

Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, But don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends. You got to go apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?

Quote from Barney

Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Usually, it just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right.
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: All that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For god's sake!
Barney: Mint on the pillow, Ted! And don't charge for Wi-Fi. It seems greedy! It does.


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