Barney: Bieber, lights! In 1983, George Lucas introduced the world to the Ewoks, a race of creatures indigenous to the second moon of Endor. Now, the Ewoks have a rich back-story that the movie didn't really go into.
Ted: Barney, why don't you just skip to the part about you and Nora?
Barney: Fine. [skips many slides] Ah, yes. Ultimately, Ewoks split Star Wars fandom into two camps: those born before, and those born after May 25, 1973: the Ewok Line. Anyone born on this side of the Ewok Line was at least ten years old when Jedi came out, and thus too old for something so cloying and cute. Anyone born on this side loved the Ewoks because, why? They reminded you of...
Gina: Our teddies?
Barney: They reminded you of your teddies. Thank you, Gina.
Ted: How do you know her name?
Barney: And so... by the immutable laws of the Ewok Line, my "29-year-old" girlfriend who hates Ewoks must in fact be no younger than... 37. That's only a year younger than Will's mom.
Will: How do you know my mom?
Barney: Class dismissed!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I was wandering the city with 25 Intro to Architecture students when your Uncle Barney came to my rescue.
Ted: Okay, guys, seeing a building get built, not that exciting. What's really exciting is the financial side of...
Barney: Sit down, Ted, I got this. Hey, Weird Beard, lights!
[Barney narrates a slideshow:]
Barney: College, it's a confusing time.
Ted: Oh, no.
Barney: Studies show that 83% of all college students desperately need... sex lessons!
Ted: Lights! Barney, these are 18-year-olds!
Barney: Ted, these are 18-year-olds!

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, Marshall returned to Gruber Pharmaceuticals alone.
Marshall: I mean, you admit that you polluted the lake. We got the evidence. We got the charts. The fish... Fish, huh? Fish are weird. You ever think about the names of fish? I mean, come on. Carp.
Sheila: Garrison, what a nice surprise. Your star apprentice was just, uh...
Marshall: "Floundering." Little, little fish humor for you guys. It was not going well.
Garrison Cootes: I'm here to turn down the 24,000.
Sheila: Well, I can maybe get you 24.5.
Garrison Cootes: Not... good... enough.
Marshall: Where are we going?
Garrison Cootes: To war, son. We're going to war.
Marshall: We're going to save the planet.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, as we now know, they did.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in October 2011,your Aunt Robin was in therapy. And against all logic, it was actually going well.
Robin: But why? Why- Why am I constantly looking for reasons not to be happy?
Kevin: Maybe because the idea of finally being happy terrifies you.
Robin: Bro, you are killing it today. [fist bump] We got something good here. We are totes gonna conquer my fear of abandonment!
Kevin: I can't see you anymore.
Robin: [laughs] Nice. "Oh, no! You're abandoning me!" Oh, no. You're abandoning me?

Lily: Okay, Barney! Sit down! Not liking Ewoks is no reason not to date somebody.
Robin: Yeah, I mean, who knows what the rules are, ya know? I mean, you're dating a girl who doesn't like Ewoks, I'm dating my former therapist.
All: Oh! Ew!
Marshall: We are gentlemen of Harvard!
Robin: It's not a big deal!
Ted: Robin, if you asked a hundred people, "Who's the worst person you could possibly date?" they'd all say, "Your therapist." Except the ones saying "Barney."
Barney: Hey! Yeah, that tracks.

Ted: Guys, this is a big deal, okay? If I can get just one kid interested in becoming an architect...
Lily: Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there. Ted, it's an Intro class.
Barney: Yeah, don't try to Stand and Deliver an Intro class.
Marshall: Nobody takes an Intro class to get on any other path but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my Intro to something-ology class.

Ted: This is a disaster. Some of them are already starting to go home. Although we seem to have picked up a German family.
Barney: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That thing with Robin and her creepy therapist gave me an idea. Ted, we have here a way to solve every single debate we've ever had! I mean, just look at the sample: guys, girls, blacks, Asians, a German family. You can't pay for that kind of focus group! Is macaroni salad really a salad? Hands up if you say "no."
Ted: Ha. Jacob or Edward? Who says Edward? Ha, ha. See? I told you. It's Edward James Olmos.
Barney: Would you rather have sex with a dead human being or a live an...?
Ted: Dude!
Barney: What?
Ted: Find the line.

Ted: Who thinks David Hasselhoff is awesome? [The German family's hands go up] Hmm. It's true.
Barney: Okay. I've got one. If you're dating a girl, and she lies about her age, who says break up with her?
Ted: Yes, yes, but what if the person she's lying to is notoriously shallow about age?
Barney: Okay, but what if early in our relationship, she made a really big deal about wanting to not lie to each other?
Ted: What if she's hot?
Barney: Who wants five bucks? Pollstered!

Garrison Cootes: Okay, guys, you all had a lot of fun today, but now it's time... to have even more fun! Another cake!
Marshall: Another cake?! What is the matter with you people?! That settlement today was a flaming pile of... puppies... that aren't on fire! Look at what's happening to the environment, and we're here doing the limbo? I mean, we should be ashamed of ourselves!
[later, Garrison Cootes takes Marshall into his office:]
Marshall: Sir, all I meant was...
Garrison Cootes: Ten years from right now, everyone outside in that bullpen will be dead.
Marshall: What?
Garrison Cootes: I've seen the latest research, Marsh. You know how I'm always saying it's not too late to save the planet? It's too late to save the planet. There's nothing to do but sit back and await our inevitable doom. [Larry blows a party whistle] Oh, my goodness, a piñata! Just give me one minute, Larry. Thank you. Our grotesque, inevitable doom! Now, of course, you can't go around telling all the people that the good ship Environmentalism has sailed off into the sunset. There would cause a panic. So, instead, what we do is, we come to work, we put on a happy face, and we sue the big guys for just enough money for some cake before the unfiltered rays of the sun fry us like chalupas, and our lungs fill up with salt water, and we all die!
[later:]
Marshall: Mmm. This cake is delicious. Everything's fine.

Robin: Kevin?! What are you doing here?
Kevin: Okay, look, I lied to you about moving to Alaska. I had to stop seeing you.
Robin: Why?
Kevin: 'Cause I think you're cute. And ethically, I can't be your therapist if I'm attracted to you.
Robin: Oh, I get it. You dump me as a patient just so you can ask me out?
Kevin: I'm not gonna ask you out.
Robin: You're not?
Kevin: No. We met in therapy. It's inappropriate for me to date a patient. Anyway, it was nice seeing you.
Robin: Hey, wait. How do you define "date"?
Kevin: Two people having a meal together, sitting across the table making googly eyes at each other.
Robin: What about two people eating alone, sitting side by side, making googly eyes at the coffee maker?
Kevin: Okay, it's not a date.
Robin: Exactly. Not a date.