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‘The Rehearsal Dinner’ Quotes

How I Met Your Mother: The Rehearsal Dinner

912. The Rehearsal Dinner

Aired December 2, 2013

As Barney and Robin's rehearsal dinner approaches, he's obsessed with the idea of having it at a laser tag arena. Meanwhile, Lily is determined to prove she can keep a secret, and Ted changes his mind on a promise he made to Barney and Robin.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Why is it so cold in here? You trying to get me to talk or something?
Security Guard: Not really. In fact, if you could just sit there quietly...
Barney: Fine, I'll talk. It all started a few months ago, when I had the most awesome idea ever.
[flashback to a few months ago:]
Barney: Laser tag rehearsal dinner!
Ted: That might be the worst idea you've ever had, which is saying a lot.
Barney: Name one bad idea I've ever had.
Lily: Gluten-free edible panties.
Marshall: Hot dog on a stick on a bun.
Ted: Inflatable sex toy life raft.
Lily: The Breast Augmentation Channel.
Robin: Single malt scotch tape.
Marshall: The time you ran for mayor.
Barney: I still have 12,000 buttons that say, "The only poll I care about is in my pants."

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Quote from Barney

Robin: I can't believe you did all of this. Hey, I thought you didn't like Canada.
Barney: Are you kidding? I love Canada. Holy musk ox, is that legendary Canadian doctor Frederick Banting? Whoa!
Frederick Banting: In 1924, I discovered insulin. Take that, diabetes.
Barney: Hey, look, it's Manitoba's native son, Norman Breakey.
Norman Breakey: You're welcome, world. Enjoy my invention, the paint roller.
Barney: And of course, you know Alan Thicke.
Alan Thicke: Hey, hey, you. You are the prettiest girl in the place.
Robin: Oh, thank you, Alan.
Barney: All right, all right, all right. Hey, look, it's Louise Poirier, who I think worked for the company that probably created Wonderbra.
Woman: [speaks French]
Robin: Okay, okay.
Barney: Canadians also helped win two World Wars. And gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes, and best of all, you.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Where is this wedding gonna be, anyway?
Robin: You know, I thought it might be nice to get married in Canada. I mean, it's where I'm from, and... [all laugh] Okay. Let's have it. Get it over with, Get it all out of your system.
Barney: I'm the groom. I'm the groom, I might as well start. Canada? What, are we gonna walk down the aisle to Crash Test Dummies? Play's to Marshall.
Marshall: Canada? What are you gonna do, hire a regular dog sled or a stretch?
Ted: Canada? Are you registered at Tim Hortons?
Lily: Canada. Oh, does the organist play wearing mittens?
Marshall: Canada? How are you gonna slip the ring on the bride's finger If she's wearing mittens?
Robin: Two mitten jokes in a row? So... You're pretty much done, then?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, we weren't even close.

Quote from Robin

Barney: Canada. What do we ask on the wedding invitation? "Will you be having the elk or the moose?"
Lily: Canada. What, are you gonna walk down the aisle wearing snowshoes?!
Marshall: Canada. What, is everyone gonna have access to universal healthcare so no one has to choose between going bankrupt and treating a life-threatening illness?
Ted: Canada? W- What's the band gonna play for your first dance? Crash Test Dummies? See, it's funny 'cause who gets a band?
Robin: Enough. It was just an idea.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, okay. Seriously, Robin, doing it here in New York would be easier, since all of our friends and a lot of our family are here. But I want you to have the wedding that you want. So if it's Canada, kust say the word.
[stifles a laugh] And then say it again in French.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Setting aside the fact that I've kept your whole "moving to Chicago" thing a secret, aren't you supposed to be dressed like Liberace right now?
Ted: Okay, first of all, if I showed up in costume, it would steal from the surprise and spectacle of my grand entrance. And second of all, I'm not doing that.
Lily: Why not?
Ted: Because dressing like Liberace is easy, but...
[flashback to Ted taking a piano lesson dressed as Liberace:]
Ted: Uh, yes, 4/4, e-sharp... Major... Okay. Let's make something beautiful, shall we? [inhales deeply] I think that's
enough for today.

Quote from Barney

Barney: So I left. And what do you know, The ice store is right next to a laser tag place!
Robin: No, it isn't! It's six miles away In the opposite direction.
Robin: And I told you not to go!
Barney: Yeah, well, you also told me you didn't want a ring bear at the wedding.
Robin: Ring bear-er!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Fine! Fine. You're right, Robin. Marriage isn't about playing crazy pranks. It isn't about telling long expertly crafted lies to cover those pranks...
Robin: How'd you get out of those handcuffs?
Barney: And hiring actors to play security guards. And spending exorbitant amounts of money on things like giant, fake laser tag signs. No, it's about honesty. Size six skate, right?
Robin: Yeah.
Barney: And in that spirit, I got to be honest. Every now and then, I am gonna lie to you. I just am. If it's in the interest of an amazing surprise, that is. You're gonna get bamboozled, hoodwinked. Heck, I'll just say it. You're gonna get snowed.
Robin: Why is it snowing in here?
Barney: Put on the skates. We gotta go.
Robin: Where? Where are we going?
Barney: To the rehearsal dinner, silly. Let's get this party started.
[Barney presses the "Let's get this party started button." The walls of the security guard's office lift up, to reveal a party on the ice rink.]
Robin: What?!
All: Surprise!
Robin: What- What is going on?
Barney: I know how much you wanted to be in Canada this weekend. So I brought Canada to you. Oh, and here's an autographed picture of Wayne Gretzky.
Robin: Thanks.
Barney: And this guy's not really a security guard.

Quote from Barney

Alan Thicke: [singing] Once there was this boy who Wore a lot of suits and said that stuff was "legendary"
James: [singing] He gave lots of high fives and swore...That he would never get married He really thought
he meant it

Quote from Barney

Barney: "Let's get this party started." Hey, can you push the button?
Robin: Do not touch that button.
Barney: Just give it a little push.
Robin: Don't push it.
Barney: Half of it, halfway, halfway...
Robin: Don't even touch it.
Security Guard: Why can't I push the button?
Robin: Because whenever Barney sees a button - any button - he has to push it.
[flashback to Barney and Robin with a woman who's in labor in the elevator after Barney pressed all the floor buttons:
Barney: Sorry.
[present:]
Barney: Why are you so mad?
Robin: Because my rehearsal dinner was supposed to start ten minutes ago. But instead of stuffing my face with hors d'oeuvres that I have been dreaming about for months, I am in a laser tag security office, waiting for the police to arrest my fiancé for causing a disturbance.
Barney: Hey, you said "fiancé." That's a good sign. Now what do you say we give that old button a push?
Robin: Take a good look at this face, Barney, okay? 'cause it'll be useful for the future. This is my "pretty mad" face.
Barney: Well, then, we've got a problem. 'cause it looks a lot like your "pretty hungry" face.
Robin: I'm missing the bacon-wrapped figs!
Barney: Please push the button!

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Robin: See? I compromised.
Barney: Fine. We'll just have a nice, tasteful rehearsal dinner. Maybe at a french restaurant. I know just the place.
Robin: What's the name of the restaurant?
Barney: La... Ser tag.

Quote from Ted

Ted: You know, I was thinking about What to get you guys for a wedding gift. As you know, I'm kind of the wedding gift master.
[Lily and Marshall scoff]
Ted: And, well, all this talk of the rehearsal dinner gives me a fantastic idea. I've been meaning to start taking
piano lessons again.
Robin: No. No piano time.
Ted: Guys! Just let me perform something. I'll-I'll tickle the keys. It'll be great.
Barney: Not even if you dressed up as Liberace.
Ted: What if I dressed up as Liberace?
Both: Sold!

Quote from Barney

Barney: And that was the end of it. Until my bachelor party.
Security Guard: Uh-oh. Let me guess. There was a stripper. You had a little fun. Maybe took some ill-advised pictures. Next thing you know, she's blackmailing you into bankruptcy, And your medical degree's hanging on the wall of a laser tag security office!
Barney: No.

Quote from Barney

Barney: The night of my bachelor party, my friends took me to a crappy hotel, hired my ex-fiancée to be the stripper, I lost thousands of dollars, and my best friend even had his hand cut off. It would've been the worst night of all time if the whole thing hadn't been a prank planned by my beautiful, amazing fiancée. She put me through hell just to give me the best surprise of my life... Which, P.S., included an appearance by my favorite actor, non-porn category.

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Barney: Robin, there's no good way to say this. I made a huge mistake. I can't go through with the wedding.
Robin: What?
Barney: [choked up] I'm so sorry. I-I just... I had to tell you before it was too late.
Robin: Oh, my god, you're serious.
Barney: Yeah. And since this is my apartment, I think that you should move out.
Robin: Fine.
[Barney opens the red suitcase that's on the bed]
Barney: Puppies!
[later at MacLaren's:]
Barney: I know. Great prank, right?
Marshall: That is awful.
Lily: You're a frickin' weirdo.
Ted: [dressed as Liberace] Such a weirdo. Careful, watch the robe.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Anyway, for reasons only you guys and Robin, but nobody normal like me would understand, she got cranky and she laid down the law.
[flashback:]
Robin: No more surprises.
Barney: [as the puppy] But you love surprises. Almost as much as I love lickin' myself! That was me talking,
not the puppy.
Robin: Barney, the surprises are out of hand and they have to stop. Deal?
Barney: But...
Robin: Deal?
Barney: But...
Robin: Deal.
Barney: Butt. [shows dog's butt]
Robin: Barney.
Barney: Fine. Deal. [shows dog's privates]

Quote from Barney

Barney: Man. This whole "no more surprises" thing is so unfair. Who does that?
Lily: Barney, the "no more surprises" thing is the best part of being married.
Marshall: It's true. When I wake up in the morning, I know what Lily's breath is gonna smell like. It's like... Roses. Do you really want a marriage where you have this paranoia that Robin's hiding around every corner, planning to get you back with some crazy new prank?
Barney: You're absolutely right. Thank you, Lily.
Marshall: No, th... That was me, over here.
Ted: He wasn't listening.
Barney: If you guys are saying what I think you're saying...
Marshall: Probably not. Go on.
Barney: Then that must mean...
Lily: No, it doesn't.
Barney: That Robin is planning a surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Then why did she pretend to ridicule it as an idiotic idea?
Lily: Because it is an idiotic idea. If Robin actually was planning a surprise, don't you think she would tell her maid of honor?
Barney: She didn't tell you 'cause you can keep a secret the way my dentist keeps his car keys. You don't know him, but he's lost them... Like, twice. Actually, just once, and... That time they were in his other pocket.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I can't keep a secret?
Ted: He does have a point, lily. You're kind of famous for the old blabbity-blabbity.
[flashback to Ted, Robin and Lily at MacLaren's:]
Lily: Hey.
Robin: How was lunch with Debbie?
Lily: Great. She's pregnant! Oops. I'm not supposed to tell anybody.
Ted: Why not?
Lily: Because she's getting a divorce. Damn it!
Robin: Debbie's getting a divorce?
Lily: Yeah, she walked in on her husband having sex. Oh! Come on, Lily.
Ted: Well, maybe we don't need to know every gory...
Lily: With a man. Will you get it together, Aldrin?!
Robin: You okay, Lily?
Lily: And that guy's the father of the baby. [sighs] I gotta go lie down.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Which brings us to earlier today, when robin was setting up the decoy rehearsal dinner, Complete with fake booze.
[flashback:]
Barney: Trying to pass this off as scotch and we all know it's apple juice. [choking] Typical apple juice burn.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Hey. How come you're not getting uncomfortably close to my face? I could be in on it, too.
Ted: 'course you could, Lil.
Lily: I can keep a secret.
Ted: Lily, don't make me laugh. I'd trust you with a secret as much as I'd trust Marshall with Pop Secret.
Lily: I can keep a secret! I can keep a secret real good. I can keep a secret like nobody's business, 'cause it is nobody's business. 'cause it's a secret, And I'm keeping it!
Barney: Does Marshall shave his back?
Lily: No, I shave it for him. Damn it!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, I figured out how this is gonna go down. We're gonna "run out" of ice, and Robin's gonna ask me
to go get some, and lo and behold, the only place that sells ice in this whole town is right next to the local laser taggery. I go inside and... [gasp] Surprise! Beautiful dinner, family and friends, free game tokens and an off-road arcade game that's rigged for unlimited turbos!
Lily: Okay, that is the single stupidest...
Robin: Guys, you aren't gonna believe this. The ice machine is broken.
Barney: Is it now? Well, dog my cats, what are the chances?

Quote from Barney

Barney: Well, I guess I could go get some ice.
Robin: Uh, no, they'll send someone.
Barney: All right, fine. Twist my arm. I'll do it. But seriously, hmm? Did you get everything set up over there? Do you have enough food, have enough guns? Did you get a vest extender for grandma Stinson? She's...
Robin: What are you talking about?
Barney: Oh, babe, you're so good at this. I love it. All right, I'll see you guys over there. I mean, be right back.

Quote from Barney

Barney: The point is, I played along with her plan, And I acted "natural" so I wouldn't spoil the surprise.
[flashback:]
Barney: Oh, my goodness! Laser tag?! Maybe I should go in here for a minute, just check it out for no apparent reason. And what's this? My hands-free token satchel? And my free lifetime refill root beer mug?

Quote from Ted

Lily: So for the past two months when we were letting you use our apartment to practice the piano every Sunday night, what were you doing?
[flashback to Ted, still dressed as Liberace, watching TV with his piano teacher:]
Ted: Oh, so that's not traveling 'cause he's the MVP? Come on!

Quote from Lily

Lily: Robin, Ted's totally bailing on playing the piano for you and Barney.
Robin: Oh, really? Ted, you didn't have to not do that. But thank you.
Lily: But he promised! A promise is a promise. You can't say you're gonna do something and then suddenly do something completely different!
Ted: Why are you getting so worked up about this?
Lily: Because, obviously, I'm worked up for a different but somewhat similar reason. And someone should ask me about it!
Robin: I'm sorry. I don't have time for your drama right now, Lily. My fiancé is missing.
Lily: Marshall got picked to be a judge. He took the job without even asking me. Italy's off!
Robin: I have time for your drama.

Quote from Lily

Robin: So, Marshall can't go to Italy?
Lily: Not if he wants to be a judge. And my Italian was getting so good. [in Italian] "I am goodbye of a job to Italian. Many sad."

Quote from Ted

Ted: But wait, you guys already sublet the apartment. You're already packed. Marshall already borrowed and lost my Rosetta Stone. That selfish bastard!

Quote from Ted

Lily: Okay, I'm mad, too.
Ted: I should hope so. All of a sudden, his dream is more important than yours? And he did it behind your back. Bastardo!
Lily: He would never hurt me intentionally.
Ted: I'll hurt him intentionally. Molto bastardo!
Lily: That's sweet of you to say. You could never take Marshall in a million years, but that's sweet of you to say.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Well, apparently, Barney went to the laser tag place looking for a surprise rehearsal dinner. When he didn't find one, he threatened to dunk the snack bar guy's head into a vat of scalding nacho whiz. He's being held until the police arrive. I need your apple juice.

Quote from Barney

Barney: And here we are. Now, I believe this charade has gone on long enough. Can we please get to the surprise laser tag rehearsal?
Robin: Hey, there is no surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner!
Barney: Okay, but if I may offer an opposing view. Of course there is! This place is lousy with clues. Is he even really a security guard? Because he looks an awful lot like a non-Pakistani version of the guy who delivers
sandwiches at my office. Also, "laser tag" has the same number of letters as "rehearsal."
Robin: Laser tag has eight, rehearsal has nine.
Barney: And if you rearrange the letters and add some other ones, It says, "Get ready, Barney, for the biggest surprise ever, you handsome son of a..." And then not quite enough letters for "bitch", but good try, Robin.

Quote from Lily

Robin: This is crazy, Barney. We- We can't have a marriage like this. A marriage has to be built on honesty and trust And all of that Lily & Marshall crap.
[elsewhere:]
Lily: I though our marriage was built on honesty and trust And all that Lily & Marshall crap. I just feel so alone right now.
Ted: Well, you're not. I'm here. And I know you can keep a secret.
Lily: [scoffs] Yeah, right.
Ted: Tell you what. How about I let you in on another secret? Something bigger.
Lily: Bigger than Chicago? [Ted whispers in Lily's hears] Are you kidding?
Ted: Nope. Want to do the honors?
Lily: [in microphone] Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a slight change of plan.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Thanks for letting me in on this. Even if it was at the very end.
Ted: My pleasure. Oh, and by the way, There's one more secret I've been keeping. All those nights I was supposed to be taking piano lessons? I was actually taking figure skating lessons!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it takes more than two months to learn how to figure skate.

Quote from Barney

Robin: I love you.
Barney: I love you, too.
Robin: I'm gonna get you back, you know?
Barney: Bring it.


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