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35Quotes from ‘Legendaddy’

How I Met Your Mother: Legendaddy

619. Legendaddy

Aired March 21, 2011

When Barney finally meets his father, he has trouble accepting the man he's become. Meanwhile, Marshall feels the gang are still treating him with kid gloves after his father died.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Okay. Now I feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff.
Robin: Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge. Something really obvious you somehow never learned.
Ted: Okay. But a screwdriver? Come on. I don't have any gaps that fundamental.
Robin: Really? I seem to recall...
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Daniel Burnham was an architect whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic... made him a true architectural "chama-lee-on." And only the most gifted "chama-lee-on"... could've designed classic beaux-arts masterpieces... right alongside sleek, modern flatirons. His name might as well have been Daniel Chama-lee-on.
Betty: Um, Professor? Uh, do you mean "chameleon"?
Ted: Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chama-lee-on," so... [all the students shake their heads] Class dismissed. No homework for a while.
[present:]
Ted: Okay. I learned that word by reading it. That's how I've always pronounced it.
Robin: Ted, that wasn't easy. It took a lot of "char-acter" to admit that.

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I bought the house we live in now way back before I ever met your mother. It needed a lot of work, but I had a vision for it.
Ted: Vintage rolltop desk here. I haven't decided whether to put the fern on the right or the left side. But, you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it, right? Left side. Oh, and right outside... I want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids. Huh?
Barney: Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing there. Vibrating Jell-O pit right there. Rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here. Don't ask. You're not ready. And that basketball hoop? Outdoor stripper pole. We'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. You think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad.

Quote from Robin

Ted: Okay, Scherbatsky. You want to tussle?
Robin: I'll tussle.
Ted: You want to tussle?
Robin: Let's tussle.
Ted: Marine biologist.
Robin: Please, no.
[flashback to Robin with a guy at MacLaren's:]
Scott: So this really sucks, but I'm gonna be... in the north pole for the next three months.
Robin: Seriously? The north pole? Okay, pal. If you want to break up with me, just tell it to me straight. Don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist.
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of...
Robin: Of who? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know what? I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia. It works its way up to Candy Land. And then, hey! Congratulate me. Because I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts! Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the north pole is a real place. You know that, right?
Robin: So, you wanna get pizza later or...
Scott: I think we should break up.
[present:]
Robin: I still think about him in the shower.

Quote from Barney

Jerry: So, Barney, I understand you have a pretty big job with a bank.
Barney: Yeah, I do. I make a ton of money. How much do you make, J.J.?
J.J.: I'm 11.
Barney: Oh, well. Now we all know you make excuses. I was talkin' about money.
Cheryl: Actually J.J. has a job. Tell him, J.J.
J.J.: I got a paper route.
Barney: [scoffs] Good time to get into print media. Am I right, Dad?
Jerry: Good slam, Barney.
Cheryl: Jerry.
Jerry: No, it-it's all good fun. Just ribbing among long-lost brothers.

Quote from Barney

Cheryl: J.J.'s a heck of a basketball player.
Barney: Uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, "Jayj." Dad, check it. [tries to bend a spoon] Triceps. What gym do you go to?
J.J.: Fourth period.
Barney: Sounds like you're having your fourth period. Am I right, Dad?
Jerry: Got him again.
Cheryl: Jerry!

Quote from Marshall

Ted: You always add too much water to oatmeal.
Marshall: Yes, I drown the son of a bitch!
Robin: You consistently miss at least one belt loop.
Marshall: It's like I'm blind.
Lily: Uh, you're too old to ask to see the cockpit.
Marshall: Whoa. Whoa, guys. My dad just died.
Lily: Oh, honey.
Marshall: No, I'm just kidding. This is great. I really... I really miss this.

Quote from Barney

Jerry: Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is mine.
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: J.J. gets a childhood, a dad, a real family and a basketball hoop? No. No. I at least get the hoop. I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, please. Just come down and talk to me.
Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me?

Quote from Barney

Jerry: Look. Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe... what I've been through.
Jerry: I know! I know! I know! I wanna fix this, and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything!
[Jerry goes back into the house and Barney keeps trying to pull the basketball hoop down. Jerry returns with a tool box and towel.]
Jerry: You're never gonna get it down like that. [hands Barney a screwdriver] Barney. Barney! Just put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it. Now turn it. Righty tighty, lefty loosey. I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies. And l... I just... have no idea where to begin.
Barney: Can you help me with this? [Barney removes the basketball hoop from the garage and hands it down to Jerry]
Jerry: Oh, got it. Look. If you... ever feel like you're ready... I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life.
Barney: Bye.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: How'd it go, buddy?
Barney: Where do I begin?
[flashback to Barney meeting with Jerry at MacLaren's:]
Jerry: So, I'm not sure how to start this.
Barney: Yeah. I think I need a drink.
Jerry: Me too.
Both: Glen McKenna, neat.
Jerry: Nice order. Up top.
Barney: Look. It's been 30 years. And now you just show up out of nowhere? This is... This is gonna take me a minute.
Jerry: Yeah. I understand. By the way, hell of a tie. Is that Italian silk?
Barney: I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad we're best friends now!

Quote from Barney

Barney: So, all these years, there's this one question I've been dying to ask him.
Lily: "Why did you abandon me?"
Marshall: "Why'd you wait so long to contact me?"
Robin: "You've hurt me before. Why should I trust you now?"
[flashback to Barney meeting with Jerry at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Do you... get laid a lot?
Jerry: Big time. [sees a woman passing by] Observe.
[Jerry walks over to the woman, who writes down her phone number. Jerry returns to Barney.]
Barney: Oh, my God. That took you five seconds.
Jerry: Oh, was it that long? Life's too short for chatty chicks. [rips the piece of paper]
Barney: You're a master. You are legen... Wait for it.
[present:]
Barney: ...daddy! "Legendaddy"! The man is a god!

Quote from Barney

Lily: Barney, we... We know you're psyched, but just be careful.
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. It sounds like he might just be telling you what you want to hear.
Robin: Barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt.
Barney: First of all, Robin, my dad could beat up your dad. Second, you don't have to worry. He's cool. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go renew my passport and get a travel-size rotating Vietnamese shame wheel. Don't ask. You're not ready.

Quote from Barney

Lily: What do you mean Barney won't return your calls? He said you two had an amazing night together.
Jerry: Uh, that's not what happened.
[flashback to Barney and Jerry meeting at MacLaren's:]
Jerry: I'm not sure how to start this.
Barney: Yeah. I think I need a drink.
Jerry: Me too.
Barney: Glen McKenna, neat.
Jerry: Milk, skim.
Barney: Milk? Oh, you're takin' it easy. Crazy night?
Jerry: I'll say. Between you and me, I had a lot of acid last night.
Barney: Wow.
Jerry: I think it was the chili dog.
Barney: I had to take four Tums. I was up till, like, 9:30.

Quote from Barney

Jerry: Barney wasn't interested in my apology. He just wanted me to be cool. And I was so desperate to connect with him. I did something I'm not proud of. I started bragging.
[flashback to Barney and Jerry meeting at MacLaren's:]
Jerry: I bet you didn't know this about me, Barney, but... I've published two nonfiction books about asparagus. And one fiction. [cut] I'm credited with inventing the word "furgling." It means fumbling for keys. [cut] Then all the county fair judges started chanting... "More quiche! More quiche!" [cut] I guess you could call me the LeBron James of drapes.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: We think you should give him another chance. That's the real reason we're out here. He lives 10 minutes away.
Barney: What?
Marshall: You're havin' dinner with him tonight.
Barney: No, I most certainly am not. Look, I met him. He's not my kind of bro, and that's that.
Robin: Are you sure it's not more than that?
Barney: Guys, get it through your heads. I am never gonna talk to my dad again.
Marshall: No, Barney. I'm never gonna talk to my dad again. But your dad is alive... and he lives just down the road.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: I first noticed it at the bar.
[flashback to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: Hey, Lily, can you grab me a... [voice breaks] Mojito?
Marshall: [v.o.] Normally, you would've given me crap for an hour about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like. But nothing. So then I started to test you guys.
[later, in Ted's kitchen:]
Marshall: The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie.
Barney: [gasps] It ages well. That's the thing.
[later, in the apartment:]
Marshall: You guys like my new soul patch?
Robin: Righteous hair tab, brother!

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: [v.o.] And once I figured it out... I started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go.
[flashback to Marshall arriving at MacLaren's with a possum:]
Marshall: Hey, guys. This is Rex. He's a possum. I found him in the trash. He lives with us now.
Lily: I love him.
[present:]
Marshall: Lily, we are living with a possum. Rex is violent. And he hates us.
Lily: Baby, you just lost your dad. None of us wants to upset you.
Marshall: Please, if you guys really want me to get over the worst tragedy in my life... I'm begging you, tear me a new one. But not like Rex tried to in my sleep last night.


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