Robin: She can't see that Barney is using her, and it breaks my heart. You know, I love Patrice. We're like sisters.
Ted: You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her.
Robin: Sisters fight, Ted! But the bond is always there.

Ted: And where's the worst abuser of my generosity, Barney? Or should I say, "Borrow-ney"?
Marshall: You should never say that. And I think he's out with Patrice.
Robin: Ugh, Patrice? That's still happening?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you remember Patrice. She worked with your Aunt Robin.
[flashback:]
Patrice: Robin! You left your purse at the vending machine, and some guy tried to steal it! I fought him off, but I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Robin: You scratched the leather! Oh! Can't you do anything right, Patrice?!

Robin: Barney is not who you think he is.
Patrice: What do you mean?
Robin: Well, he has a book of plays he uses to trick women into sleeping with him.
Patrice: Oh, no way, Barney's my honey bear.
Robin: Actually, one of his plays is called The Honey Bear. He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh, and the next thing you know, his hand's stuck in your pot.
Patrice: Robin, you're a doll for worrying about me, but that doesn't sound at all like my Barney.
Robin: Why won't you let me help you, Patrice?!

Marshall: Why can't we borrow your air mattress?
Ted: Because when you animals borrow things, you never return them.
Lily: That's ridiculous.
Ted: No, my Cleveland, Ohio, Chamber of Commerce mini-cooler is ridiculous. Ridiculous at keeping stuff cold while also promoting Ohio's second-largest rubber producer. Watch your back, Akron.
Lily: I totally gave that back.
Ted: And what about that "Vote For Ted" hoodie from when I ran for treasurer in high school? Mrs. Gooding said my concession speech was, "full of grace."
Marshall: I don't recall borrowing that.

Ted: And whatever happened to my limited edition DVD of the classic 1989 Silverman-McCarthy romp,
Weekend at Bernie's, "borrowed" well over six months ago?
Robin: Yeah, I'm keeping that. Those extra features are awesome. I mean, that making-of documentary?
Ted: "How Bernie Avoided The Gurney: A Cinematic Journey."

Robin: But seriously, what other reason would Barney have to date Patrice?
Ted: It's an over-correction.
Robin: How dare you?! What is that?!
Ted: Barney was engaged to Quinn, a stripper he never really trusted. So he overcorrects by dating her opposite: warm and nurturing Patrice.
Lily: That does happen, like Ted. After you broke up with sweet innocent Victoria.
[flashback to Ted talking through the glass to a prison inmate:]
Ted: No, you hang up first.
Woman: No, you hang up first.
Ted: No, you hang up first.
Woman: Hang up, you little bitch!
[present:]
Lily: Over-correction.
Ted: Yeah.

Ted: And it's not just relationships. Remember when that comedy club owner told Marshall that his "funny fish names" stand-up act didn't have enough edge?
[flashback to a leather vest-wearing, cigarette-smoking Marshall at a comedy club:]
Marshall: Flounder? I barely know her! Oh!
[present:]
Ted: Over-correction. Although it was better than his Chris Rock rip-off.
[flashback to a fast-paced Marshall, wearing a leather jacket, at a comedy club:]
Marshall: A trout with a daughter has one job. One job! To keep her off the fishing pole!
Lily: [o.s.] You suck!
Marshall: Lily!

Lily: But my dad is here nannying all the time. Then add your mom in? This place is crowded enough already.
[flashback to Mickey knocking on the nursery door:]
Mickey: Hey, Lil, let me know how the pump's working. I cleaned it for you.
Lily: It's fine, Dad.
Mickey: Yeah, I had to check the suction, so I tested it on myself.
Lily: Oh, no.
Mickey: Don't worry, the suction's fine, actually kind of nice.

Judy: Lily, can I ask you a question?
Lily: If it's "Did somebody put gravel in the couch cushions you're sleeping on," absolutely not. What would be the motive?
Judy: No, it's not that. Uh, don't tell Marshall because he's not ready, but I think I might want to get back out there and meet a nice man.
Lily: Wow, that's great, Judy.
Judy: And I thought you might be able to help because you always look so good.
Lily: You think I look good?
Judy: I mean, you dress like a Duluth streetwalker, but my son seems to like it.
Lily: I'll take it.

Judy: So, any advice?
Lily: Well, first I'd throw out any giant sweater with a horse on it.
Judy: Even the ones...?
Lily: Even the ones that have manes with real horse hair, yes. And second, I'd let the gals out to play a little more.
Judy: The gals? [Lily unbuttons Judy's top] Oh... you mean the Minnesota Twins.