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28Quotes from ‘Right Place Right Time’

How I Met Your Mother: Right Place Right Time

422. Right Place Right Time

Aired May 4, 2009

Ted recalls a series of moments that lead to him being on the right street corner at the right time.

Quote from Marshall

[Marshall holding a poster in the booth at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. One: Johnson. Two: Bush. Three: Harding. Four: Polk.
[Marshall holding a poster in the apartment:]
Marshall: This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..." and this circle represents "People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily." And where they overlap: Cecilia.
[Marshall holding a poster at the booth in MacLaren's:]
Marshall: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.
[Marshall returns to the apartment to find Ted, Robin and Barney standing by the "Intervention" sign:]
Marshall: What's going on?
Robin: Enough with the charts.
Barney: And the graphs.
Ted: Really any visual representation of data.
Marshall: I'm not an idiot. I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. Let's take a look. Yes, it is true, since Cecelia, your interest in my charts has been steadily dropping. But based on recent trends, I have also made... A projection chart! And look... huge spike in interest coming! And this isn't just some dead cat bounce. This is big sustainable growth over the long term.
Barney: You're a big sustainable growth.

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Quote from Marshall

[at MacLaren's where nobody but Barney is wearing black-tie:]
Marshall: It's not too many.
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: No, don't get me wrong. You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, but that number should be higher. After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, Well, I had some charts made up. Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week.
Barney: Whoa, it's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
Marshall: Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 1,040 girls a year. In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, that is a success rate of... a little over one percent. That's a batting average of 12, eight times worse than the career batting average of... one-handed pitcher, that's right, pitcher... Jim Abbott.

Quote from Ted

Robin: You just need to get out of the house. Take a walk. Get a bagel.
Ted: Yeah, that'll solve everything. I haven't slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer. A cinnamon raisin bagel with a little cream cheese. Actually, that sounds pretty good, I'm going to get a bagel.
Robin: Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain, according to Galoshes, our weather clown.
Ted: Your show has a clown who does the weather? That's a little cheesy, no?
Robin: Yeah. And what's that restaurant you're designing shaped like, Hoss?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Fine. You want me out of the house, I'll get out of the house. Can't wait to see what the universe has lined up for me out there.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother. And while there's many things to learn from this story, this may be the biggest. The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action, and you will. But never forget that, on any day, you could step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan, kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings... and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought. But it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place... at the right time.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Petra Petrova. Bro's Life magazine's girl of the year for May. A delicate flower in stiletto pumps and leopard panties, straddling an ATV.
Ted: These magazines are so lame. I mean, she's probably airbrushed and enhanced.
Barney: I have a date with her.
Ted: You are my hero! Are you serious? How do you have a date with her?
Barney: Not part of the story. Ted, I have been waiting a long time to say this. This girl is the one.
Ted: Of course she's the one. You have to marry those. Her.
Barney: Marry? [laughs] No, I have something much, much more special in mind. Petra here, if all goes well, will be my... wait for it, two hundredth. Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting.
Ted: Your two hundredth, as in "sex with"?
Barney: As in "sex with." I request the highest of fives.
Ted: Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit. 200 is too many.
Barney: Oh, right, 'cause there can be too many of something wonderful. "Hey, Babe Ruth, easy, big fella. Let's not hit too many homers." "Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough."

Quote from Barney

Barney: It's the grand total. That's the only number that matters.
Ted: Says who?
Barney: Matthew Panning, the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.
[flashback to Barney in Middle School:]
Matthew Panning: Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o. I bet you've never even done it with a girl.
Young Barney: Neither have you.
Matthew Panning: How many times do I have to explain this? I've done it with 100 girls. They're seventh graders at my cousin's school on Long Island.
Young Barney: Well, you know what, Matthew? Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.
Matthew Panning: Yeah. Call me when that happens.
[present:]
Barney: And call him I will.
Ted: I think he's gonna say it again really slow.
Barney: [slowly] Call him I will.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Hey. You listed Gaby Allan twice, as 78 and 162.
Barney: What? Let me see.
Robin: Seventy... One. Oh, my God. Wait a... I counted the same girl twice? That means I'm only at one 198?
Marshall: Well, that only means that you're half a percent less gross than we thought.
Barney: I'm seducing a Czech supermodel in two hours. I can't squander that on 199. No! Petra has to be 200.
Ted: Well, what are you gonna do? I mean, it's not like you're gonna find someone new to have sex with in the next two hours.
[later, Barney chats to a woman at MacLaren's:]
Barney: [talking ridiculously quickly Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut. Want to come back to my place and see some moon shells?
Woman: Go away.
[later, with another woman:]
Barney: I just got back from my wife's grave. Put her in the ground a year ago today. Man, I miss her. I sure could use some comfort.
Woman: You're creepy.
[later, with another woman:]
Barney: Man, aren't you sick of all the games? I just want to settle down and have a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now.
Woman: I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so, on my way to get a bagel, I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute to check out a picture of Barney's 200th.
Ted: Barney.
Future Ted: [v.o.] If I hadn't done that, I would've walked right by the newsstand, cut down 77th and gotten to
that corner a minute early. I would've gotten the bagel, done some work, and you kids might never have been born. Now, why did I cut down 77th, and give a dollar to the homeless guy? Here's why. Back when Marshall first started working at Goliath National Bank...
[flashback to Marshall at work:]
Marshall: Fran, I don't mean to bother you but I have a big presentation tomorrow and it would really help if I could get like some charts and graphs made up. Could you help me with that?
Fran: Honey, this is the graphics department. We can make as many graphs, as many charts in as many colors on as many kinds of paper as you want.
Marshall: Oh, Fran. Oh, Franny, Franny, Franny. We are gonna have some fun.

Quote from Ted

Milt: Charts! Get your charts here!
Ted: Oh, excuse me, Milt? I think those are my charts.
Milt: These charts? On my blanket?
Ted: That's also my blanket. We'll get to that later. But I really need these charts.
Milt: Oh, good, 'cause they're for sale.
Ted: Fine, how much?
Milt: One million dollars.
Ted: I'll give you five bucks.
Milt: A million dollars.
Ted: No one's gonna pay a million dollars for these charts!
Milt: One million dollars.
Ted: Okay, Milt, you win. I'm gonna give you one million dollars.
Milt: Urinating...
Ted: The problem is, the ATM...
Milt: The alien time machine.
Ted: The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit. So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one dollar a day for a million days.
Milt: That's... That's 2700 years. Deal! Sucker.


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