TV Quotes

Robin: You really are smitten.
Barney: No, I'm not. I'm Barney Stinson. I don't get smitten, I smite!
Robin: You are totally smitten, but you're scared of being in a relationship.
Barney: No, I'm not. I can't be anyone's boyfriend, Robin. If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.

Marshall: Garbage Island. You haven't heard of Garbage Island? It's an island... made of garbage! It's in the Pacific Ocean. It's twice the size of Texas!
Robin: In other words, one-eighth the size of Canada. So...

Lily: No, it's more than that. It's like, all the stuff he used to love, he suddenly has no interest in anymore.
Barney: Oh. Ha-wink.
Lily: Excuse me?
Barney: Lily, in my travels, I've developed a finely calibrated sense of how long it's been since... How do I not put this delicately? A girl's been porked. And, boo, you've been pork-free so long, you're practically kosher.
Lily: It's been a while.
Barney: Five weeks, three days by my estimation.
Lily: You should work at a carnival.
Barney: I tried. They're pretty strict with backgrounds.

Robin: Oh, I see what's going on.
Barney: Yeah?
Robin: This is about Nora. You met a girl, you liked her, but then you missed your shot. And now you're trying to hook up with your ex-girlfriend to prove to yourself that you don't care.
Barney: Robin, you could not be more-
Robin: What do you mean I missed my shot? Nora met a guy.
Barney: What?! What?
Robin: Yep. Off the market. He's taking her to Cafe L'Amour this Friday night.
Barney: But "L'Amour" means love! They're going to the cafe of love! I'm fine. It's fine. Point is, Robin, I don't even like Nora. [smiles] Damn it!

Robin: Okay, Mother Teresa, throw me one.
Barney: Sorry?
Robin: I would like it if you threw me one. Fastball, right down the middle. Actually, if I recall correctly, a slight curve.
Barney: Careful, Robin, I'll do it.
Robin: Oh, I don't think you will. Hmm. Because you don't want to screw things up with Nora. Hey, prove me wrong. Tomorrow night, my place.
Barney: Don't poke the dragon, Robin, 'cause the dragon will poke you back.

Lily: Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.
Marshall: Oh, no, baby, come on. Today didn't go so well.
[flashback to Marshall at work:]
Marshall: The green initiative, for only $12 million, will change the way...
Arthur: Okay, I've heard enough. Don't we already have a green initiative? I mean, didn't we do a whole thing? Hang a banner, make a video, Sting was there. I thought I met Sting.
Man: You did meet Sting.
Arthur: Yeah, I met Sting. So why on Earth would we spend another $12 million?
Marshall: Well, because we can always do more.
Arthur: Yeah, but I met Sting.
Marshall: Well, meeting Sting isn't gonna fix anything, Arthur!

Ted: You think Zoey's sleeping with the doorman?
The Captain: He always winks and tips his hat when he sees her. I know how these things work. He holds her package, and pretty soon, she's holding his. And then there's his glorious mustache. I will have him fired for this!
Ted: No, no, no, you can't fire him.
The Captain: You're right. Maritime protocol demands physical retribution!
Ted: Oh, my God! No, no! No physical retribution! Stop!
The Captain: Who is this flower child, and what has he done with my lionhearted friend Ted Mosby?!
Ted: Look, look, yes, yes, the doorman is a scoundrel. The mustache alone gives that away. He's a rake, a rogue, a rapscallion!
The Captain: Whoa, "rapscallion" may be going a bit far, Ted.

Ted: But it's not his fault, okay? It's nobody's fault. You and Zoey have nothing in common. For God's sake, Captain, she hates boats! You're just not right for each other. Look, I know it's tough to face, but I'm sure a small part of you has always known that.
The Captain: Why couldn't she just like boats? Just to have one thing in common? Other girls like boats, don't they?
Ted: Of course they do.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I had just started dating Zoey. And when you first start dating someone, everyone wants to know the same thing.
Ted: How did we meet?
Zoey: Oh, Ted, she doesn't want...
Ted: No, it's a cute story. [v.o.] Once upon a time, Zoey was married to this super rich, super creepy guy called The Captain. So when Zoey and I became friends, I was careful not to cross any lines.
[flashback to Zoey on the couch with popcorn. Ted sits far back at his desk:]
Zoey: Oh, man, this movie is scary.
Ted: I know, right?
Ted: [v.o.] But then one day, Zoey and The Captain had a huge fight. He flipped out and demanded a divorce. And she was heartbroken. But after a little soul-searching, she ended up back in my life, and the rest, as they say, is history.
[present:]
Wendy: Actually, I said, "How's your meat?"
Ted: Oh. A little cold.
Wendy: Gee, wonder why.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, sometimes wonderful things come out of horrible situations. Like, remember that trip I took to Hong Kong where I got stuck in the airport? Well, a funny thing happened that day.
Older Ted: Yes, I realize it's raining, but, come on, it's 2021. We can make cell phones that project holograms, but a light drizzle shuts down a whole airport?
Wendy: Hey, Ted.
Older Ted: Hey... There she is. Wow.
Wendy: Wendy the Waitress.
Ted: Wendy the Waitress! I was just saying- What are you doing here?
Future Ted: [v.o.] What was she doing there? For that, we have to back up about ten years.