Barney: All right, come on. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. I've always wanted to say that. I mean, in a bar. I say it all the time at home.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Which brings us to Thursday.
[As Lily waits in the arrivals lounge, a man next to her starts playing "Auld Lang Syne" on the flute. Two other men join on horns. Soon even more band members appear. Marshall walks in with a sign for "Lilypad"]
Marshall: A muffin, a pastrami sandwich, and a bag of chips. And I know it's way past lunchtime, but I love you. More and more each day, I love you, Lily. Happy New Year.
Marshall: Um, wait, does this mean that I have to bring a marching band to the airport from now on?
Lily: Absolutely, it does.
Marshall: Crap.

Future Ted: [v.o.] To understand what it meant to us to get the keys to MacLaren's, I have to take you back a few years to the night that I uttered five little words that every man at some point in his life will say.
Ted: We should buy a bar.
Barney: Of course, we should buy a bar!
Ted: We should totally buy a bar.
Barney: We should totally buy a bar.
Ted: Our bar would be awesome.
Barney: And dude, dude, dude... Dude! The name of our bar Puzzles. People will be like, "Why is it called Puzzles?" That's the puzzle.
Ted: That is... a great name for a bar! And also, at Puzzles: no last call.
Barney: No last call!
Ted: Only when every single person is finished having the greatest night of his or her life do we stack the chairs on the table and power down the three-story margarita waterfall.
Barney: [laughs] We should buy a bar.
Ted: We should buy a bar.

Ted: Um, Melissa, what kind of band is this?
Melissa: Oh, we're the Arizona Tech Fighting Hens Marching Band. Go, Hens!
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then, your Uncle Barney and I had one of our telepathic conversations.
Ted: [telepathically] Dude, Carl's gonna kill us if we don't kick everyone out of here right now.
Barney: [The Beach Boys' "Kokomo" plays]
Ted: [telepathically] Barney, I'm serious. We promised we wouldn't mess the place up.
Barney: [The Beach Boys' "Kokomo" continues]
Ted: [telepathically] All right, I guess you have a point.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in our sophomore year of college, when Aunt Lily came back from spring break, Uncle Marshall surprised her at the airport. And she surprised him with a six-pack of locally brewed beer.
Lily: Fort Lau-ger-Dale! Get it?
Future Ted: And with that, a ritual was born. For the next 11 years, whenever either of them would fly anywhere...
Marshall: Minne-Cider! Get it?
Future Ted: The reunion was always commemorated with a chauffeur sign and a six-pack from wherever they'd been.
Lily: Aspen Yards Ale! Get it?
Marshall: Actually, no.
Lily: Me, neither. I was hoping you would.

Ted: It's pretty nasty out there. I don't think they're coming.
Barney: Of course they're coming. They have to. If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have party school bingo. [Ted is silent] Come on, Ted, you're the only one here.
Ted: Oh, sorry. What's party school bingo?
Barney: Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25, and I make up a bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy. In league play, that would normally be designated a free space.
Ted: So, uh, how many people are in on this party school bingo thing?
Barney: Oh, it's just me.
Ted: So what's the point, then?
Barney: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney: I get bingo.

Lily: Ranjit!
Ranjit: Hello.
Rachel: Uh, I'm Rachel Sondheimer.
Ranjit: Wait a minute, Lily. If you are getting off the plane, where is Marshall? And where is your six-pack?
Lily: That's the problem. I have to get to Brewniverse in East Meadow in an hour.
Ranjit: To the Town Car! [hands Rachel her sign and leaves]

Robin: I still say this is stupid. What happened to, "As we mature, the relationship matures with us"?
Marshall: That's just something Lily read in Psychology Today. All right, she read it in Cosmo. All right, I read it in Cosmo. All right, it was Cosmo Girl. Just drive, okay.

Robin: I just don't get why it's such a big deal that one little ritual goes by the wayside.
Marshall: It's not just this, okay? It's all our little rituals. Do you know what we used to do every day the second I got home?
Robin: Man, I don't want to hear about your crazy monkey sex.
Marshall: We would tell each other what we had to eat that day.
[flashback to Marshall arriving back at the apartment:]
Marshall: Two eggs, a slice of cheese pizza and some steamed veggies.
Lily: Everything bagel, chicken breast, some celery sticks and a spoon of peanut butter. Crazy monkey sex?
Marshall: Crazy monkey sex. [grunts like a monkey]
[return to the present in Ranjit's cab:]
Ranjit: Oh, Lily, TMI. Too many informations.

Barney: Ted, what's in a gin and tonic?! What's in a gin and tonic?!