Marshall: Oh, no. I don't have my vows.
Lily: I don't have mine either.
Ted: You don't need your vows. Just say why you love each other.
Marshall: Okay, I'll go first. Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh and you take care of me when I'm sick. You're sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. She puts a little Italian dressing in scrambled eggs before she cooks them. It's called "Eggs Marshall," and it's awesome. But the main reason that I love you is that you're my best friend, Lily. You're, uh... you're the best friend I ever had. [to Ted] I'm sorry, buddy.
Ted: No problem.
Barney: It's totally okay.

Lily: My turn. Oh, thank you. Marshall, I love you because you're funny and you make me feel loved and you make me feel safe and for our anniversary you gave me a sweatshirt that says, "Lily and Marshall. Rockin' It Since '96." I kinda wish I was wearing it right now 'cause it smells like you. But the main reason I love you, Marshall Eriksen, is you make me happy. You make me happy all the time.

Lily: So, we've decided on a small, outdoor wedding, just family and close friends. No more than 25 people in a beautiful garden somewhere, maybe an acoustic guitar playing while we walk down the aisle.
Barney: And maybe you already know someone who went down to the courthouse and registered as an officiant so that he or she - he- could perform the ceremony.
Robin: But you hate marriage. Why do you want to perform the ceremony?
Barney: Because it subtly implants in the mind of every woman there that when I ask a question, you say, "I do." Yeah.

Lily: So now, instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and... that guy's daughter plays the harp.
Barney: Is she hot? I'd love to be able to cross "harp player" off my list.
Marshall: How long is this list?
Barney: Dude, I'm not gonna count how many pages the list is. I'm not crass.
Lily: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She's pregnant.
Barney: Sweet! I can cross off two things.

Lily: Wow. Andrea. You really are pregnant.
Andrea: Yeah.
Robin: How do you play the harp with your belly so...?
Andrea: Oh, I don't really. I can only reach about half the strings.
Robin: You only play half the harp?
Andrea: Yeah.
Robin: Oh, no. Uh, okay. Lily, I will take care of this. Um, I'll just pluck the other half. Is it hard to learn?
Andrea: I've been studying the harp for 12 years.
Robin: Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. You ever hear of "Guitar Hero"? Learned that in a day. Is there a "Harp Hero"?

Barney: I need a glass of wine.
Barman: And I need you to get out of my face.
Barney: It's for the bride, so...
Barman: White or red?
Barney: White. And, uh... she'd also like a scotch and soda.
Barman: You got it.
Barney: She'd also like a bowl of smoked almonds.
Barman: I don't have any, but I guess I could run out to the corner and get some.
Barney: Well, it's only the biggest day of her life, so... [The barman leaves] Let the games begin.

Robin: There's no photographer? Oh, my God. Okay, I just have to call...
Lily: Robin, stop. Stop. It's okay. I am not gonna let anything get to me today.
[33 minutes before the wedding:]
Janice: I just got a call from the florist. The flowers won't be here till halfway through the ceremony.
Lily: I'm okay.
[28 minutes before the wedding:]
Barman: I hate to bother you, but... I think I found your veil in the parking lot.
Lily: I'm fine.
[24 minutes before the wedding:]
Andrea: Just FYI: my water broke. But I can probably... [panting]... make it through.
Lily: Totally cool.
[21 minutes before the wedding:]
Robin: Oh, no. Lily, I think I forgot your bridal panties. I- I thought I had them. I'm so sorry.
Lily: Oh, it's okay, I'll just wear the ones I have on.
Robin: Are you sure?
Lily: I'm marrying Marshall today. So it doesn't even matter that I'm gonna walk down the aisle without a veil in a room that has no flowers to the music of half a harp played by a woman who's crowning, as my high school boyfriend reads Guns N' Roses lyrics. But that's okay, because there's no photographer there to take any pictures of it anyway.

Marshall: My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!
Barney: You totally do. And not even the good Backstreet Boys, the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
Ted: The good Backstreet Boys?

[flashback to Marshall getting his hair cut by Lily's cousin:]
Marshall: So, um, just not-not too short, okay?
Amy: Oh, no, we don't even have to cut it at all. Could just give it some style.
Marshall: Oh, okay, yeah, that's great. 'Cause, um, when it gets too short, it starts to look weird. And I don't want to look weird when I'm up there, you know.
Amy: Ooh, I could give you some cool guy tips.
Marshall: I don't think I need advice on how to be cool, but yeah, great, lay that on me.

Ted: Dude, you shaved your freakin' head.
Marshall: Yeah, yeah, but it's good. I ought to shave it all off. What a great solution. Just be bald 'cause it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spears... Oh, God, what did I do?! How could you let me shave my head?!
Ted: What?!
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you! I'm not going out there! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back. I'm gonna go find that money under the rock by the tree and go live with the guys on the beach in Zihautanejo.
Ted: Dude, those guys are criminals.
Marshall: Only Red Andy was falsely accused.