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31Quotes from ‘Matchmaker’

How I Met Your Mother: Matchmaker

107. Matchmaker

Aired November 7, 2005

After Barney drags Ted to a matchmaker, she promises to find a woman for him in three days. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily do battle with a mysterious beast.

Quote from Lily

Barney: So did you get a good look at it?
Lily: Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach...
Marshall: But it has mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It's a cockamouse.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: We're signing up.
Ted: What?
Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. That's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. It's the man version of getting a cat.

Quote from Barney

Ellen: All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.
Barney: Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I'm so done with the single life, all the games, the meaningless sex.
Ellen: [warmly] You deserve more.
Barney: That is so true, Ellen. I really think I'm ready to stop being a me and start being a we. Hey, is there anyway I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
Ellen: Oh, of course you can. That is so...
Barney: It's kinda hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her?
Ellen: [coldly] Get out.
Barney: What?
Ellen: I get fifteen guys like you every week. Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call them again.
Barney: Oh my God, people do that?

Quote from Barney

Ellen: You wanna do this the easy way or the hard way?
Barney: What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
Ellen: That's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.
[Barney is unflinching, until Ellen makes a sudden move]
Barney: Okay, Ted, let's go.

Quote from Barney

Ellen: You're cute. You're an architect. Good career and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your friend, Jack Package.
Barney: [o.s.] It's pronounced [French accent] "Package".
Ellen: Get outta here!

Quote from Ted

Ellen: You I can work with. You give me three days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: Ah, no thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York City. You know, plenty of fish in the sea.
Ellen: Plenty of fish in the sea. Yes, there's 9 million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course you wanna meet someone roughly your own age, let's say, plus/minus 5 years. So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000. But, uh, wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives and oh, we can't forget those lesbians and then that leaves us with... eight women.
Ted: That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?
Ellen: There are eight fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.
Ted: Do you take credit cards?

Quote from Lily

Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal ten-legged interspecies cha-cha?
Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
Lily: Oh, but it can.
Marshall: And it has.
Lily: And it's pissed.
[Lily and Marshall down shots]

Quote from Barney

Robin: So, "Love Solutions", did you meet the love of your life?
Ted: She said it'd take three days. It's been five days. Should I be worried?
Lily: Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. Ted-out: to overthink. Also see Ted-up. Ted-up: to overthink something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried...
Ted: OK, I get it. Don't worry, I'm not gonna Ted anything up or out. I'll just give it a few more days.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: And, like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic.
Lily: Obviously, the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamouse, there's still so much we don't know.

Quote from Marshall

Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.
Marshall: So you really don't believe in the cockamouse?
Robin: Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal but you've exaggerated it in your mind. You know, um, like the Loch Ness Monster.
Marshall: If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean, totally exists and is awesome, then yeah, it's like the Loch Ness monster. It's diet is not unlike our own, grains, cereals and it's awfully fond of cheese.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Robin, open the window!
[After Robin opens the window, Marshall throws the cockamouse out]
Robin: It can fly.
Lily & Marshall: Wow.
Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious. Oh my God, it's headed this way.
[Marshall slams the window shut. The animal flies directly into the glass]


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