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‘Matchmaker’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: Matchmaker

107. Matchmaker

Aired November 7, 2005

After Barney drags Ted to a matchmaker, she promises to find a woman for him in three days. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily do battle with a mysterious beast.

Quote from Lily

Barney: So did you get a good look at it?
Lily: Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach...
Marshall: But it has mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It's a cockamouse.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: We're signing up.
Ted: What?
Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. That's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. It's the man version of getting a cat.

Quote from Barney

Ellen: All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.
Barney: Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I'm so done with the single life, all the games, the meaningless sex.
Ellen: [warmly] You deserve more.
Barney: That is so true, Ellen. I really think I'm ready to stop being a me and start being a we. Hey, is there anyway I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
Ellen: Oh, of course you can. That is so...
Barney: It's kinda hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her?
Ellen: [coldly] Get out.
Barney: What?
Ellen: I get fifteen guys like you every week. Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call them again.
Barney: Oh my God, people do that?

Quote from Barney

Ellen: You wanna do this the easy way or the hard way?
Barney: What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
Ellen: That's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.
[Barney is unflinching, until Ellen makes a sudden move]
Barney: Okay, Ted, let's go.

Quote from Barney

Ellen: You're cute. You're an architect. Good career and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your friend, Jack Package.
Barney: [o.s.] It's pronounced [French accent] "Package".
Ellen: Get outta here!

Quote from Ted

Ellen: You I can work with. You give me three days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: Ah, no thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York City. You know, plenty of fish in the sea.
Ellen: Plenty of fish in the sea. Yes, there's 9 million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course you wanna meet someone roughly your own age, let's say, plus/minus 5 years. So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000. But, uh, wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives and oh, we can't forget those lesbians and then that leaves us with... eight women.
Ted: That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?
Ellen: There are eight fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.
Ted: Do you take credit cards?

Quote from Lily

Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal ten-legged interspecies cha-cha?
Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
Lily: Oh, but it can.
Marshall: And it has.
Lily: And it's pissed.
[Lily and Marshall down shots]

Quote from Barney

Robin: So, "Love Solutions", did you meet the love of your life?
Ted: She said it'd take three days. It's been five days. Should I be worried?
Lily: Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. Ted-out: to overthink. Also see Ted-up. Ted-up: to overthink something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried...
Ted: OK, I get it. Don't worry, I'm not gonna Ted anything up or out. I'll just give it a few more days.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: And, like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic.
Lily: Obviously, the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamouse, there's still so much we don't know.

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