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30Quotes from ‘Platonish’

How I Met Your Mother: Platonish

909. Platonish

Aired November 11, 2013

The gang reminisce about an evening that saw Ted and Marshall go to a basketball game and Barney accept a series of challenges from Lily and Robin.

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Barney: All right, next challenge.
Lily: Oh, this is an all-night thing? Okay. Um... Pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.
Barney: I'd be Glad to. Just hope she's not too Hefty. And those are all of the brands of trash bags I can think of.
Lily: I'm not done. You also can't use the letter E.
Barney: Challng accptd!

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Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Barney: Please, Ted and Robin are not platonic. Just like me and Robin are not platonic. Just like no two single people in the world are ever platonic. Symposium. Two people are only platonic if in the next 20 minutes, there is no chance of them hooking up. Truth is, I only know of one genuinely platonic relationship.
Lily: You and me.
Barney: Don't make me laugh, Lily. You want to hit this so hard. Seriously, she's playing footsies with me as l... Ow! No, I'm talking about Marshall and Robin. [v.o.] Marshall and Robin wouldn't hook up even if this happened.
[fantasy, Lily runs into MacLaren's with a bomb strapped to her chest as Marshall and Robin talk:]
Lily: Marshall! Robin! If you guys don't full-on make out in the next 20 minutes, they're gonna blow me up and everyone in this bar!
Marshall: Oh, God, no. Anyone but Robin.
Robin: I really don't want to do this.
Lily: Guys, we have no time. Just do it!
[19 minutes later:]
Marshall: I'm sorry, baby. I just... I can't do it.
Lily: Aw...
[back:]
Barney: And the only survivor was me, because I was upstairs banging Ted's mom. What? Get that blond girl's phone number? Challenge accepted.

Quote from Ted

[flashback:]
Ted: I should get going.
Lily: Ted.
Ted: By every definition of the word "platonic", including Barney's fake one, I can say with total certainty that Brussels sprouts are the comeback vegetable of the 21st century.

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Robin: I'm sorry, I missed the first half of this. Why is picking up a drunk chick sitting alone and rubbing a tan line on her finger where a wedding ring used to be a challenge?
Barney: Because I said, "Challenge accepted." Pfft.
Lily: See, that's your problem, Barney. You only accept challenges you came up with. Just once, I'd like to see you accept someone else's challenge.
Barney: Challenge accep... Wait, what's the challenge?
Robin: Interesting. An opportunity rife with possibilities. We need to find something with just the right amount of poetic...
Lily: Get a girl's number while talking like a dolphin.
Robin: That works.
Barney: [imitates dolphin: "Challenge Accepted"]

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Woman: It's this monastery in Connecticut, out in the woods and the nuns there, they make this gourmet cheese. It's just amazing.
Barney: [imitates dolphin]
Woman: Wow, was that three glasses of wine? Where does the time go?
Barney: [imitates dolphin]
Woman: Look, I know you need to get back to your studies.
Barney: [imitates dolphin]
Woman: Maybe we could get together some other time?
Barney: [imitates dolphin and hands the woman his phone]
[later:]
Robin: No. Not possible.
Barney: It was the performance of a lifetime. Man, if I'd have hung around a few more minutes, I probably could've gotten her to touch my blowhole.

Quote from Marshall

[flashback:]
Marshall: You're single, she's single. It's time to do this.
Ted: You're only saying this because you bet Lily that Robin and I would end up together. And you want that 5 bucks.
Marshall: I need that 5 bucks, Ted. But more importantly, I need you to be happy.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Barney talking to women at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Okay. Don't use the letter E. Don't use the letter E. [to a woman] Hey. Damn it.
Barney: Hi. I am Barney. Damn it, there's an E in my name.
Barney: Hi. My word for this guy... is Barno. Barno. You look... not ugly. Your dial thing is what?
Woman: Can we just go back to my place?
Barney: Yes. Damn it.
Barney: I want to buy you a drink. But first, what do I call you?
Elaine Edelstein: Elaine Edelstein.
Barney: How about I just call you tomorrow? Your digits, milady?

Quote from Robin

[flashback:]
Barney: Seriously, guys, you're gonna have to try harder than that.
Robin: Challenge accepted.
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Robin: Excuse me, hi. I'm Ryan Gosling's personal assistant. He saw you as you were walking in, and he sent me over to tell you to wait here. Be cool. This is real. Okay? But listen. Ryan is super shy. I know. Heh-heh. Which means if he comes in here and sees you talking to some other guy, he's gonna turn right around and leave. Nod if you understand.
[back at the apartment:]
Robin: Redhead at the bar.
Barney: Challenge accepted!
[later at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Hey there.
Woman: Get away from me!

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Woman: Do not come any closer. I swear I will kill you.
Barney: It's cool. I'm not gonna come any closer. You're looking at the door, waiting for someone. Someone important. Someone who will fill an empty space in your life. A movie star? Uh-huh. But which one? Clooney? DiCaprio? Zabka? No, I'm gonna go with Ryan... Reyn... Phillip... Seacre... Gosling. Ryan Gosling.
Woman: Yes, I'm waiting for Ryan Gosling, okay? Now leave me alone.
Barney: You passed my test, girl.
Woman: Ryan?
[later:]
Robin: No. Just no.
Barney: I told her I'm a Method actor and had to get plastic surgery for an upcoming role where I play a man
more handsome than myself.

Quote from The Mother

[flashback:]
Barney: I'm recruiting volunteers for the Starving Puppy Orphanage where I work. For free. So if you wouldn't mind just writing your number down on this sign-up sheet...
The Mother: Listen. I appreciate that you feel like you need my number. Um, maybe it's because you're really sad about something and this is your way of feeling better about yourself. But since I have a boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure I heard you call me a target earlier over there, I'm gonna go ahead and not give you my number. I'm gonna give you something even better.
Barney: Wow. Right to the chase. Meet you in Aisle 6.
The Mother: I'm gonna give you this. It's gonna be okay. You're a good guy. You will get through this.
Barney: Uh, okay, weirdo alert. [to another woman] Have you met...? Excuse me. [to the mother] What do you mean, "sad"?

Quote from The Mother

[flashback:]
Barney: "Sad"? Lady, I got 14 girls' numbers in the last hour. And this was an off night. Heh-heh. What can I possibly be sad about?
The Mother: I think you were in love and you messed it up. And every moment of your life since has been spent trying to stay busy enough to ignore that fact.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Barney met your mother.

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Barney: We tried dating a while back, and it was a disaster. But I always regret giving up. It just ended so quickly. [chuckles] What about you? You and your boyfriend gonna go the distance?
The Mother: I don't know. I think maybe I still haven't met the right guy.
Barney: Hm. Wonder if I know someone to set you up with. Drawing a blank.
The Mother: Are you gonna go get this girl or what?
Barney: I don't know. I'm kind of at my peak right now. I don't know if I can just walk away from the game.
The Mother: Do you want to keep playing? Or do you want to win?
Barney: I want to win. What am I doing? In less than 20 minutes, Robin and I could be...
The Mother: Oh, no. This is gonna take more than 20 minutes. This is gonna take everything you have got. This is gonna take all your time, all of your attention, all of your resources. This is the big one, Diaper Man. You've gotta do it right. You can't be messing around picking up girls in drug stores. You got work to do.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to Ted and Marshall talking in MacLaren's:]
Ted: We're not platonic. "Platonish" maybe, if that's even a word. But not platonic. I mean, there's something between us, and there always will be. Man, if this was eight years ago, I'd be jumping into a cab right now to go steal that blue French horn.
Marshall: Well, why don't you?
Ted: I don't know. It just doesn't seem to work that way anymore. I used to be in such a hurry all the time. Everything was so urgent. But now? I don't know, I figure if it's gonna happen, it'll happen when it happens. I'm not going anywhere, she's not going anywhere. What's the rush, right?
[As Ted and Marshall talk, Barney begins to draft "The Robin" in "The Playbook"]


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