Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

[flashback to Ted, Barney and Marshall in a booth in MacLaren's in 2001:]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
[Lily walks in the bar]
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted? Should I go for it?
Ted: Oh, don't do it, man. I mean, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care. I've been with one woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes, pep talk. You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you. So, remember, tonight isn't about scoring, it's about believing that you can do it even though you probably can't. Go get him, tiger.
[Marshall gets up and heads over to the bar. Ted moves to the other side of the booth and sits next to Barney.]
Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.
[Marshall walks over to Lily and kisses her]
Barney: [spit take] That man is a god!
[present:]
Marshall: For like a week after, Barney followed me around, asking me to teach him how to live. I even got him to do my laundry once.
Barney: I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing.

Barney: Well, we're closing in on the half. Let's see how Blahblah's doing on the crazy-hot scale. She started the night here, but as the night's progressed, she's gotten crazier but no hotter which has caused her to drift across the Mendoza diagonal and dangerously close to the Shelley Gillespie zone. Another girl I dated. She gained twenty pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.

Ted: You know what else is a good story, how Barney and I met. Barney, tell that story, right now. Please.
Barney: OK, Ted, this is a crazy story. You're gonna love it.
[flashback to Barney and Ted standing next to each other at the urinals in 2001:]
Barney: Tonight's the first time I'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom died.
Ted: Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Barney: No, it's OK. I have to take care of him now. Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but I'm happy to. He's my brother and I love him. I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.
Ted: Oh man, I'm really sorry.
Barney: Wow, you bought that?
Ted: What?
Barney: I just made that up mid-pee. It worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on that blonde chick at the end of the bar. Unless you're a total idiot. What's your name?
Ted: Ted.
Barney: Are you a total idiot, Ted?
Ted: Well, I'm still having this conversation, so...
Barney: [laughs] Well played. I like you Ted.

[flashback to Ted, Barney and Marshall in a booth in MacLaren's in 2001:]
Barney: I'm teaching Ted how to live, and lucky you, I have room for one more student. Think of me as Yoda, only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm bro-da. And tonight you are gonna use The Force to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed.
Ted: You're gonna use force? 'Cause that sounds wrong, bro-da.
Barney: No, the Force. It's a Star Wars reference.
Ted: So we should make lots of Star Wars references around girls, that's what you're saying?

Ted: She's gonna tell some bogus story about a cooking class because she's embarrassed we met online.
Marshall: Ay, Chihuahua.
Ted: What? There's no stigma anymore.
Robin: Oh, there's a stigma. That's why people always say [cheerily] there's no stigma anymore.

Blahblah: So, we know how Marshall and Lily met. Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
Robin: No, no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Barney and I are not together. No. No.
Barney: Really? Sixteen no's. Really?

Blahblah: Hm. Oh, so, pretty and single and friends with Ted. Great.
Ted: You know who else is friends with Ted? Marshall. How did we meet? It's a good story, I'm gonna tell it right now. Uh, it was the first day of college.
[flashback to Marshall reading a magazine in his dorm room in 1996:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, to understand this story, you need to know that your Uncle Marshall was doing something that lots of college kids do. How do I say this? He was, uh, let's say eating a sandwich.
[Marshall lifts a sandwich up to his mouth, takes a bit and starts laughing]
College Guy: Dude, I heard the dean is coming. Put out your sandwich.
[Marshall gets up and puts his sandwich out in an ashtray, and then covers the sandwich with his magazine. Marshall sprays air freshener in room as Ted comes through the door]
Ted: Hey.
Marshall: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Marshall Eriksen.
Ted: Sir? Please, just call me Ted. [they shake hands]
Marshall: Okay, Dean Ted.
Ted: Whoa. Someone's been eating a sandwich.
Marshall: What? No. Really? I don't know 'cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. My parents are gonna donate a lot of money to this school.
Ted: So you're bottom bunk, that's cool. I wanted the top bunk anyway. [puts his bags on the top bunk]
Marshall: What do you mean?
Ted: I'm your new roommate.
Marshall: This is so unfair.

[flashback to Barney sitting down next to Ted fifteen minutes after first meeting him:]
Barney: Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. [off Ted's look] Barney. We met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh right, hi.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A. Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till your thirty. And lesson four, be totally silent for the next five minutes.
[Audrey walks over to Ted and Barney's booth and sits down]
Barney: Hey, Audrey, this is my deaf brother, Edward. [yells at Ted] Edward, this is Audrey.
Audrey: You know, I actually know some sign language. [signs] "Hi, my name is Audrey. Nice to meet you."
Barney: He doesn't sign. He's embarrassed by his hands. They're tiny and lady-like.
Ted: [signs] "I'm Edward. Nice to meet you too."
Barney: What? You are over your hand issues. It's about time.
Ted: [signs] "My brother's a great guy. You should give him your phone number."
Audrey: [writes on a napkin] Here. Call me.
[present:]
Barney: And even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number, I knew that Ted and I would be each other's wingmen forever.

Ted: OK, yes, I told them, but it's not a big deal. Lots of people meet on the Internet. That whole seeing a stranger across a crowded room thing, that only happens in the movies.
Barney: Yeah, that never happens. Oh wait, except you and Robin. That's how you guys met, right?
[flashback to Ted and Robin seeing each other for the first time back in 2005]
Blahblah: Wait, you guys dated. For how long?
Robin: A year. But don't worry, the relationship wasn't that good. By the end, it was mostly about sex, which was not that good. But I was the problem. I'd just lie there. Ted is very good. I'm sure he will get you where you need to go. Can I buy your bags online?