Ted: You'd all be better off coming upstairs to my place for a beer.
Man: Hey, dude. You serious?
Barney: Ted, do you remember a couple years ago, we had the best idea of all time?
[flashback:]
Ted: We should buy a bar.
Barney: Of course! We could buy a bar! The name of our bar? Puzzles. People will be like, "Why is it called Puzzles?" That's the puzzle.
[present:]
Ted: A bar where no one's overcharged, where everyone feels valued and respected.
Barney: A bar... where we get chicks drunk and bang them.
Ted: We're opening Puzzles tonight.
Barney: Of course we're opening Puzzles tonight!
Ted: Aren't you going to ask us why it's called Puzzles?
Doug: Nope.

Ted: Oh, check it out. We worked out a theme song for Puzzles.
Kevin: While I was carrying 100-pound kegs up four flights of stairs? Awesome.
[Ted plays a Cheers-like song on the piano as he and Barney sing:]
Ted: Puzzles is a place where people go To feel like they belong
Barney: Gonna take advantage of dumb drunk girls
Ted: No, we're not. That would be wrong A place where wit and wisdom bloom
Barney: A place to bang chicks in Ted's room
Ted: Not gonna happen.
Barney: We'll talk about it.
Both: At Puzzles, we all fit together
Kevin: And I'm the bartender!

Marshall: Lily, this is 200 pages of detailed accounts about Bigfoot, ghosts, aliens abducting people from their beds and probing them. I'm going to read it to Baby Eriksen at night-night.
Lily: You really want to read our kid bedtime stories about monsters?
Marshall: First of all, I wouldn't use the "M" word. Only they can call themselves that. And secondly, are you really saying you don't want to raise our child as a believer?
Lily: I don't want to brainwash our child to believe in something with no proof.
Marshall: It's not about proof; it's about faith. Faith is what gives life shape and meaning. I mean, if there aren't yetis or leprechauns, what's the point of even getting up in the morning?
Lily: I don't know. Wife, unborn child, drop a deuce?
Marshall: Lily, don't you think it's a bit narcissistic not to allow for something bigger than us out there? Something whose beauty and power and majesty humbles us?
Lily: God?
Marshall: Werewolves.

[Ted is holding a smoking pipe and wearing a jacket with shoulder patches:]
Ted: It's funny, but it seems each time I read James Joyce's Ulysses, it's a different book, begging the question:
Has the book changed... or have I?
[A frat boy belches]

Kevin: Okay, people are getting rowdy and drunk and breaking things. I know this goes against the Puzzles mission statement you made me memorize, but we gotta raise our drink prices.
Ted: All right, just a little bit so no one will notice.
[Ted changes the $2 drink sign to $3]
All: Boo!
Frat Boy: Poodles sucks!
Marshall: [v.o.] And that's when the night turned to absolute crap.
[montage of things being broken, Barney being slapped, Ted's book taking a dart, fights, people vomiting, and the price of beer being raised again and again:]
Ted & Barney: [singing] At Puzzles, we all fit together On sunny days or stormy weather So pull up a chair and sit for a spell There's laughter to share and stories to tell Puzzles is a place where everyone feels at home
Barney: And we bang chicks in Ted's room.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, on New Year's Day 2012, Uncle Marshall took a trip to Minnesota to see someone he truly missed.
Marshall: Hey, Pop. I can't believe it's been a year. I think the most appropriate way to honor your memory today... is to get blasted and watch the Vikings make the Bears their furry little bitches. Go, Vikes!
Woman: [o.s.] Shh.
Marshall: Sorry for your loss. Which is what we'll be saying to the Bears in about three hours, right, Pop?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, tailgating at the Vikings-Bears game was a tradition for Uncle Marshall and his dad.
[flashback to 1986:]
Marvin Sr.: And that's how the government covered up the UFO crash in Roswell: by canning the sliced up alien carcasses and calling it Spam. a.k.a Sliced Processed Alien Meat
Young Marshall: Wow. Is there anything you don't know, Dad?
Marvin Sr.: No. I know most stuff.
[present:]
Marshall: And in your honor: three decades of pork fat, lighter fluid and Bengay. Dear God, that's the stuff.

Future Ted: [v.o.] January 1st, 2012, East Meadow, New York. A woman answers her door to find something more enigmatic and mysterious than Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.
Lily: Dad?
Mickey: Hey.
Lily: I thought you were in Chicago.
Mickey: I was.
[flashback to Mickey receiving a phone call from Lily:]
Mickey: Great. Thanks. [hangs up] My daughter's having a baby!
[present:]
Lily: Did you drive all night?
Mickey: Yeah. Well, Teddy and I split the drive. This guy's a maniac behind the wheel. Congrats, Princess.
Lily: Happy New Year, Dad.

Marshall: Hey. I'm sorry, baby. I just... I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical. You know, like my dad taught me.
Lily: You know what my dad taught me? Nothing... 'cause he was never there. June 22nd, 1996, Brooklyn, New York. A man misses his daughter's high school graduation. Later, she discovers her babysitting money has been spent on a board game called Who Stole The Babysitting Money? He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011. A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. says, 'Great. Thanks,' and hangs up on her.
Marshall: And after pushing her to call him, a Big Foot is discovered in her husband's mouth.
Lily: I'm glad you're a believer, baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an "enigma of the mystical" unless I see it with my own eyes. Because the truth is, my father never taught me believe in anything but myself.
Marshall: Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you, too.
Lily: Then there's a pretty good chance I don't exist.

Mickey: I don't see why people aren't getting this. Shoplifter does not promote crime. It celebrates it. [phone rings] Excuse me. [answers] Yeah.
Lily: Hey, Dad. I'm, uh, calling with some pretty big news. I'm pregnant.
Mickey: Great. Thanks. [hangs up]

Lily: Um, sweetie, why is this book in here?
Marshall: That's Enigmas of The Mystical. It's all about mysterious and unexplained phenomena. Don't you remember the TV commercials from the '80s?
[a TV commercial:]
Announcer: June 17th, 1983. Tempe, Arizona. A woman makes a chicken salad sandwich.
Woman: Chicken salad sandwich.
Announcer: Halfway across the country in Michigan, her daughter is compelled to make almost exactly the same sandwich.
Woman: Tuna salad.
Announcer: Coincidence? Or an enigma of the mystical!