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‘Last Cigarette Ever’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

How I Met Your Mother: Last Cigarette Ever

511. Last Cigarette Ever

Aired December 14, 2009

As the gang try hard to stop smoking, Robin's new co-anchor is less than enthusiastic about his new job.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Look at you two. Smokers. Just like the rest of us.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: Post-coital, when I'm with Germans. Sometimes those two overlap. Coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

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Quote from Lily

Ted: Okay, that's it. Let's quit.
Marshall: Let's. Let's do it.
Barney: Well, I am proud of you guys. I have heard how difficult it is for smokers, like yourself, to quit, so, on behalf of non-smokers, I salute you, and I am here to help. So, hand in your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them, one at a time.
Lily: [raspy voice] You're quitting, dollface. I know I don't normally call you "dollface," but it kind of works in this voice. Dollface.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, back in 2009, your Aunt Robin was the host of a morning show for local New York cable. And it was on pretty early. How early?
[On the TV show, the camera pans down as a man is heard snoring]
ROBIN: Mike? Wake up.
Future Ted: But then, everything changed.
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey. See my show?
Ted: Aw, I meant to watch it. I just got so busy with the whole being-sound-asleep thing. It took all night, eight hours down the drain.

Quote from Future Ted

Robin: I'm gonna go up on the roof and stand there by myself for five minutes.
Ted: Have fun.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's exactly what she did. She just stood there. All right, kids, I'm gonna level with you. That's not what she did. Here's what she did.
Robin: All right, all right. I'm going to go have a cigarette.
[2030:]
Son & Daughter: What?
Future Ted: I promised her I'd never tell you this, but once upon a time, your Aunt Robin did enjoy the occasional cigarette, and occasionally that occasional cigarette was more than just occasional.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: [enters] Hey.
Lily: You smoked.
Marshall: Yes, I smoked, and it was my third of the day. You know what that means? I'm a smoker now. It's all over. I even bought a pack on the way home and a lighter and a Vikings lamp, which has nothing to do with anything, but I saw it in the window and I liked it.
Lily: Damn it, Marshall. We already have four Vikings lamps and smoking kills.

Quote from Robin

Robin: God, if I can't even get my best friends to watch, who's going to watch?
Marshall: Lots of people. You got bedridden insomniacs. Bums camping outside a department store. People waiting in the ER, where the TV is in a cage, so you can't change the channel.
Lily: Ooh. Do you have any stalkers?
Robin: Yeah, but even Leonard won't watch my show.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I can't believe those guys are smoking out there. It's freezing out.
Barney: Remember when you used to be able to smoke in bars?
[flashback to Ted and Barney in a smoke-filled MacLaren's:]
Ted: Hey, dude. I think that hot girl over there's smiling at me.
Barney: That's a chair. But yeah, dude, hit that.
Marshall: Guys? Marco!
Ted & Barney: Polo!

Quote from Barney

Lily: [shivering] You know, maybe smoking's not so bad. I mean, at least it gets us out in the fresh air.
Barney: Yeah, and all the coughing really works my abs. I. [coughs] Am. [coughs] Ripped! [coughs violently]

Quote from Future Ted

Ted: Hey, guys, look, the sun's coming up.
Robin: You know what right now is a perfect time for? A last cigarette ever. No, I mean, a real last cigarette ever.
Barney: Damn it, let's do it.
Ted: Okay.
Marshall: All right. Last cigarette ever on the count of three.
Ted: One...
Lily: [raspy voice] ...two...
Robin: ...three.
Future Ted: [v.o.] We all quit for a while after that, but it wasn't anyone's last cigarette. We did eventually all quit smoking for real. Robin's last cigarette was in June, 2013. Barney's last cigarette was in March, 2017. Lily's last cigarette was the day she started trying to get pregnant. And Marshall's last cigarette was the day his son was born. And my last cigarette? Two weeks into dating your mother. And I never looked back.

Quote from Marshall

[fantasy scene of Marshall going to see thirteen-year-old Marshall as he smokes in a Minnesota forest:]
Marshall: I'm sorry I hit you, buddy. I wanted to make it up to you by giving you this.
Young Marshall: Wow, she's hot!
Marshall: Yeah. Well, some day, you're going to marry her.
Young Marshall: No way.
Marshall: We're pretty lucky.
Young Marshall: Totally. I'll be in my tent.
Marshall: Oh, no. Wait, hey! No, don't do that. Well... Have fun for me.

Quote from Robin

Robin: It's fine. But get this. After the broadcast...
[flashback to Robin at work:]
Don: Hi. Are you Robin?
Robin: Yeah.
Don: I'm Don, your new co-host.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Don was Don Frank, a seasoned veteran of no fewer than 38 local morning news teams from all over the country. The guy was an industry legend.
Robin: Oh!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Wow! You are so going to hit that.
Robin: No! I just think we're going to be great together on the air.
Ted: And on the sofa and on the bed and on the coffee table.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Robin, come on, take it to the roof. We said no smoking in the apartment after you torched the throw rug doing push-ups.
Robin: All right, all right, all right.
Marshall: Yeah, Robin. I mean, God, not only is that a filthy habit, but also, can I bum one?
Robin: Sure.
[2030:]
Son & Daughter: What?

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your Uncle Marshall definitely doesn't want you to know this, but he also smoked off and on. It all started when he was 13, on a camping trip in Minnesota.
[flashback to a young Marshall in a snow-covered forest in 1991:]
Ricky: Come on, Marshall, let's celebrate. It's summer vacation.
Marshall: Okay, but just one. This is my first and last cigarette ever.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that was the first of many, many last cigarettes ever.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Last cigarette ever.
Ted: What are you doing? You haven't smoked in six months. Is this about the McRib? It's gone, dude. Let it go.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: So, does he hold it against you?
Marshall: Worse.
[flashback to Marshall at work:]
Arthur: I'm sorry, who are you?
Marshall: I'm Marshall Eriksen. [Arthur shakes his head] Um, we had a fairly intense screaming match.
Arthur: No.
Marshall: Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself in a fashion that, well, while space-saving might limit its exposure to sunshine.
Arthur: Well, that describes 95% of my employees and everyone in my family, except for my dog. He's such a good boy. Well, I'll see you later, Randall Wilkerson.
Marshall: Marshall Eriksen.
Arthur: Gary Dinkersfield, right.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Great, he doesn't remember you.
Barney: Not great. Arthur Hobbs hating Marshall, that's no big deal. He hates everyone. It's the people he doesn't know that he cuts loose. He just fired What's-His-Face.
Marshall: He fired What's-His-Face, Ted, and What's-His-Face was invaluable.
Ted: Look, I can understand you getting upset, but it's not worth killing yourself over.
Barney: Yeah, wait till you get laid off, then kill yourself. Like What's-His-Face. Although I guess now it's more like Where's-His-Face. [shudders]

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next morning, your Aunt Robin was thrilled to be finally going on the air with a real pro.
Director: In three, two, one...
Robin: Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
Don: And I am Don Frank. Two teens were arrested late last night for stealing a police cart. No, I'm sorry, not a police cart, a police car. [laughing] Screw it. Brain fart. Don't you hate those? Oh, look at that, the teleprompter's still running. Something about a woman giving birth on an uptown bus. Well, no point in jumping in halfway. I'll just wait till it's done. And she cut the cord with a Metro Pass. We'll be right back.
Director: And we're clear.
Robin: What the hell was that? Don, you said "brain fart."
Don: Look, Robin, you seem like a nice kid, but this is my 39th local news show, okay? And in that time, I've learned three things: Avoid the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet in Bismarck, do not go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on, and three, at this hour, your entire viewing audience is one half-drunk slob sitting in his underwear, so...
Director: Back in five, four...
Robin: Well, let's do a great show for that half-drunk slob.
Don: [stands up to reveal he's in his underwear] Well, that half-drunk slob appreciates it.

Quote from Marshall

Arthur: Oh, no. You're not up here to jump, are you?
Marshall: No, no, no, no.
Arthur: I fired a lot of people today. I don't need another jumper in my file. [chuckling] Oh, uh, cigarette?
Marshall: No. No, thank you.
Arthur: That's too bad. You know what I miss, Jeffrey? Getting to know somebody over a smoke. People are so interchangeable now, but you share a butt with somebody, you got a real bond.
Marshall: You know what? I will take one.
Arthur: Okay.
Marshall: Thank you. I'm Marshall, by the way. It's Marshall, Marshall Eriksen. Yeah.
Arthur: Ah, tell me something, Marshall Eriksen. How would you like to see a picture of the cutest dog in the world? There he is. He's a good boy.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I don't care what your reasons are. You know how I feel about smoking. Now, give me the cigarettes. And the lighter. [smokes] Ah! That's the stuff.
[2030:]
Son & Daughter: What?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Oh, yeah, add your Aunt Lily to the list. Whenever Uncle Marshall fell off the wagon, your Aunt Lily got dragged right down with him.

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