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‘Last Cigarette Ever’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: Last Cigarette Ever

511. Last Cigarette Ever

Aired December 14, 2009

As the gang try hard to stop smoking, Robin's new co-anchor is less than enthusiastic about his new job.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Look at you two. Smokers. Just like the rest of us.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: Post-coital, when I'm with Germans. Sometimes those two overlap. Coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.


Quote from Lily

Ted: Okay, that's it. Let's quit.
Marshall: Let's. Let's do it.
Barney: Well, I am proud of you guys. I have heard how difficult it is for smokers, like yourself, to quit, so, on behalf of non-smokers, I salute you, and I am here to help. So, hand in your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them, one at a time.
Lily: [raspy voice] You're quitting, dollface. I know I don't normally call you "dollface," but it kind of works in this voice. Dollface.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, back in 2009, your Aunt Robin was the host of a morning show for local New York cable. And it was on pretty early. How early?
[On the TV show, the camera pans down as a man is heard snoring]
ROBIN: Mike? Wake up.
Future Ted: But then, everything changed.
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey. See my show?
Ted: Aw, I meant to watch it. I just got so busy with the whole being-sound-asleep thing. It took all night, eight hours down the drain.

Quote from Future Ted

Robin: I'm gonna go up on the roof and stand there by myself for five minutes.
Ted: Have fun.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's exactly what she did. She just stood there. All right, kids, I'm gonna level with you. That's not what she did. Here's what she did.
Robin: All right, all right. I'm going to go have a cigarette.
Son & Daughter: What?
Future Ted: I promised her I'd never tell you this, but once upon a time, your Aunt Robin did enjoy the occasional cigarette, and occasionally that occasional cigarette was more than just occasional.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: [enters] Hey.
Lily: You smoked.
Marshall: Yes, I smoked, and it was my third of the day. You know what that means? I'm a smoker now. It's all over. I even bought a pack on the way home and a lighter and a Vikings lamp, which has nothing to do with anything, but I saw it in the window and I liked it.
Lily: Damn it, Marshall. We already have four Vikings lamps and smoking kills.

Quote from Robin

Robin: God, if I can't even get my best friends to watch, who's going to watch?
Marshall: Lots of people. You got bedridden insomniacs. Bums camping outside a department store. People waiting in the ER, where the TV is in a cage, so you can't change the channel.
Lily: Ooh. Do you have any stalkers?
Robin: Yeah, but even Leonard won't watch my show.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I can't believe those guys are smoking out there. It's freezing out.
Barney: Remember when you used to be able to smoke in bars?
[flashback to Ted and Barney in a smoke-filled MacLaren's:]
Ted: Hey, dude. I think that hot girl over there's smiling at me.
Barney: That's a chair. But yeah, dude, hit that.
Marshall: Guys? Marco!
Ted & Barney: Polo!

Quote from Barney

Lily: [shivering] You know, maybe smoking's not so bad. I mean, at least it gets us out in the fresh air.
Barney: Yeah, and all the coughing really works my abs. I. [coughs] Am. [coughs] Ripped! [coughs violently]

Quote from Future Ted

Ted: Hey, guys, look, the sun's coming up.
Robin: You know what right now is a perfect time for? A last cigarette ever. No, I mean, a real last cigarette ever.
Barney: Damn it, let's do it.
Ted: Okay.
Marshall: All right. Last cigarette ever on the count of three.
Ted: One...
Lily: [raspy voice] ...two...
Robin: ...three.
Future Ted: [v.o.] We all quit for a while after that, but it wasn't anyone's last cigarette. We did eventually all quit smoking for real. Robin's last cigarette was in June, 2013. Barney's last cigarette was in March, 2017. Lily's last cigarette was the day she started trying to get pregnant. And Marshall's last cigarette was the day his son was born. And my last cigarette? Two weeks into dating your mother. And I never looked back.

Quote from Marshall

[fantasy scene of Marshall going to see thirteen-year-old Marshall as he smokes in a Minnesota forest:]
Marshall: I'm sorry I hit you, buddy. I wanted to make it up to you by giving you this.
Young Marshall: Wow, she's hot!
Marshall: Yeah. Well, some day, you're going to marry her.
Young Marshall: No way.
Marshall: We're pretty lucky.
Young Marshall: Totally. I'll be in my tent.
Marshall: Oh, no. Wait, hey! No, don't do that. Well... Have fun for me.

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