Robin: Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go.
Marshall: Why would we care how...
Robin: Usually it's like this.
[fantasy scene of Robin queuing:]
Man #1: After you.
Robin: Aw, thank you.
Man #2: On the house, Robin!
Man #3: [all singing] Take this bagel on the house
Man #4: Have a paper on the house
Man #5: I'd give you a house on the house if I could
All: You're so beautiful Everything in life should be free
Robin: It's so wonderful to be me!
[reality:]
Lily: Wow. Do Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too?
[fantasy:]
All: She's exaggerating to make a point!

Ted: Barney, she's just using me for my gracefully aging body.
Barney: You're picking now to get some self-respect? You once banged a blind girl by pretending to be Sean Connery.
Ted: That was you.
Barney: [as Sean Connery] Yeah, that conquest was most enjoyable.

Ted: You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened. On my way here, a taxi jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady, and I-I just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode and I somehow lifted it off her.
Lily: Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist.
Ted: Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen. I must've strained it lifting.
Barney: No, I believe our dear friend Lily was referring to your other wrist. The one wearing the male birth control.
Robin: I was gonna go with "chastity bracelet."
Barney: God, is it possible to love you more?

Ted: Really? Really? I just saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this?
Marshall: Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone. All right, he's a hero.
Ted: Thank you.
Marshall: Do you think that your super strength came from wearing wonder woman's magic wrist cuff?
Ted: Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff, I have a date.
Robin: With some hand lotion and the Internet?
Barney: It is possible to love you more!

Lily: Ew. Marshall, take that off.
Marshall: What? I think it looks kind of cool.
Lily: Cool? You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain and neck tattoos and a drug problem. Not a... a big one, just, uh, enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and he can never, ever be true to one woman. Finish that damn pickle and do me!

Ted: What- What- What are you looking for?
Barney: Your phone. There's got to be some pictures of her in here. Damn it. no. Those are all worthless. I need some one-night-stand material, Ted. Oh. Oh. Here's your mom. Hello, Virginia.
Ted: Um, my mother is not one-night-stand material.
Barney: Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing. Hey-oh!
Ted: That didn't happen.
Barney: You're right. It didn't. [clicks tongue and winks]
Ted: You just winked.
Barney: No, I didn't. [clicks tongue and winks]
Ted: You just did it again!

Lily: Hey, Marshall, you got to see this. The catalog must have mixed up my order. You won't believe the jeans they just sent me. Hilarious, right?
Marshall: Totally. You look like some suburban mom who drives a minivan filled with stale cheerios and empty juice boxes. Probably makes Chili Mac and Frito Pie for dinner. Smells like that menthol cigarette that she snuck while she was waiting to pick her kids up from hockey practice. Get over here!

Ted: She exists. And she's right outside.
Marshall: Great. Bring her in.
Ted: You know what? It's so nice out. Why don't... Why don't we just all go for a walk.
Barney: It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious she can't fit through the door.
Ted: She is a gorgeous, athletic woman.
Marshall: "Athletic"? Sideburns, no cans.

Barney: God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos. Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life just seems sad and empty. I don't want this to sound too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me.
Ted: Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser.
Robin: Uh, yeah. We got rid of that, okay?
Barney: Yeah.

Robin: Anyway, speaking of engaged, check out what got back from being resized.
Lily: Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock.
Lily: Barney, you don't start with the "I-got-caught-cheating" diamond. You give yourself room to grow.
Barney: It's a family heirloom.
Robin: Yeah, I got a few dirty looks from Barney's half-sister over Christmas, so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully... that she can suck it.