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36Quotes from ‘The Naked Man’

How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Man

409. The Naked Man

Aired November 24, 2008

After Ted walks in on Robin's date sitting naked on the couch, the gang learns of a surprising new technique to get somebody into bed.

Quote from Ted

Mitch: This is my move. It's called, "The Naked Man."
Ted: "The Naked Man"?
Mitch: Goes like this: You're on a first date, you've had a few drinks, you make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment.
[flashback:]
Robin: So, the bathroom's right there. [cellphone rings] You know what, I'm going to grab this.
Mitch: [v.o.] Then, once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait. When she comes back, she laughs. She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you. Boom!
[present:]
Ted: There is no way that works!
Mitch: Two out of three times.
Ted: Two out of three times?
Mitch: Two out of three times.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: The Naked Man works! This is going to revolutionize the one-night stand! This is like the forward pass in football. The slam dunk in basketball. The haircutting technique where they hold it between their fingers and cut right above it. It's a total game changer!
Lily: Barney, this guy slept with Robin, who you claim to be in love with. How can you be excited about this?
Barney: Lily, the Naked Man is bigger than me and Robin. All these years, I have been busting my hump, with my secret identities and my tricks and my gadgets. I mean, I'm like Batman. But this Mitch fellow, he's Superman. He just rips off his clothes and he's good to go.
Lily: What kind of gadgets are we talking about?

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] But one of the craziest things I ever walked in on happened when I was roommates
with your Aunt Robin.
Mitch: [completely naked on the couch] Hey.
Ted: Hey. Who are you?!
Mitch: Mitch.
Ted: What you doing, Mitch?
Mitch: You must be the roommate. I'm on a date with Robin. She had to step outside to take a call. I guess her cell phone doesn't work in here.
Ted: Oh. Oh. Oh. Robin... didn't use the super secret signal. We put this old takeout menu on the doorknob. Place went out of business. Mr. Wang's... Guess I don't have to explain why that's funny. I'm going to go. Um, when you leave, take the seat cushion with you. That's trash now.

Quote from Ted

Mitch: You just have to pick your spot. The Naked Man is best used as a last resort, kind of a Hail Mary on a first date when you know there's not going to be a second one.
Ted: How do you know there's not going to be a second date?
Mitch: Ted, look at me.
Ted: I'd rather not, Mitch.
Mitch: Robin is way out of my league. I'm not smart, funny or handsome. And as you can plainly see, there's nothing impressive going on anywhere around here. My only shot with a girl like Robin is the element of surprise. And, let's be honest, a little pity. It's shock and "aw."
Ted: This doesn't really work.
Mitch: Two out of three times. Guaranteed.

Quote from Barney

Ted: [on the phone] Once I realized there was no possible future in this relationship, I just decided to go for it.
Barney: Awesome! Okay, big question: What pose will you display your Naked Man in?
Ted: Huh. That is a big question. I hadn't really thought about it.
Barney: I was thinking the Superman.
Ted: What about the Captain Morgan?
Barney: How about the "Oops, I didn't see you there"?
Ted: The Thinker?
Barney: What about the Heisman?
Ted: Mr. Clean?
Barney: The Burt Reynolds.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: But I think you start to recover the moment you meet that person who gets you back in the game. This is the story of how I met that person. Now, kids, if you want to go swimming, you don't just dive in. First, you dip your toe in the water.
Ted: Hi.
Vicky: Hi.
Future Ted: You check the temperature. See how it feels.
Ted: I'm Ted.
Vicky: Vicky.
Future Ted: And then you slowly wade in.
Ted: I got left at the altar a month ago.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Or, you know, cannonball.
Ted: It was a complete disaster and ever since then, I haven't been able to even look at another woman. Except for the old lady on the subway who break-dances for nickels. I don't look at her that way. I just look at her. I mean, it's an old lady break-dancing. And she is good. I'm going to give her a dollar next time. Hey, let's pretend I just said this: These elevator rides have been the highlight of my week, and I'd love to see you again
Friday night. Not in the elevator. At a restaurant, a nice one. What do you say?
Vicky: Yes.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff at the old apartment over the years.
[flashback to November 26, 2004. Ted enters the apartment and finds Lily painting a pair of acrobats posing in a difficult position:]
Lily: Sorry, guys. I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.
[flashback to July 16, 2007. Ted walks in on the gang watching Barney, who is attempting to escape from a metal cage filled with water. Lily and Robin have axes ready to free him.]
Marshall: It's been 12 minutes!
[As Barney works to free himself, he gives Ted a smile and a thumbs up]
[flashback to December 15, 2006 and Ted walking in on an armed robbery that Robin is attempting to foil:]
Robin: Drop it!
Masked Gun Man #1: You first!
Masked Gun Man #2: Ike, why are you pointing your gun at me?
Masked Gun Man #1: Don't use my name!
Robin: Put the guns down, now!
[flashback to May 8, 2009 and a goat in the apartment]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: No way.
Ted: Two out of three times. He guaranteed it.
Barney: Oh, come on. There is no way that's going to work on Robin. She's going to walk in there, take one look at that idiot and send him packing.
Lily: She might kick his ass first.
Marshall: She might get her gun and shoot him.
[The gang rush out of MacLaren's]
Barney: Go, go!
Marshall: My God!
Ted: It worked.
Marshall: Mr. Wang's is back in business?!

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Fine! That's one. But I defy you to name...
Lily: I'm going to name 50. There's "makeup" sex, "breakup" sex, and "your friend just told you about a new-position" sex.
Barney: You're welcome.
Barney: There's also "revenge", "rebound", "paratrooping." You know, when you go out of town but instead of getting a hotel room, you go straight to a bar with the sole intention of hooking up with a girl so you have a place to stay.
Robin: Oh, you mean "banging for roof."

Quote from Barney

Robin: "He said he loved you, but you're not ready to say it back yet" sex.
Lily: Forty-three.
Ted: "Wingman diving on the friend grenade."
Lily: Forty-four.
Barney: "The condoms are about to expire."
Lily: Forty-five. Wow, this is getting a little hard.
Barney: Forty-six!

Quote from Barney

Ted: [on the phone] What about the old "Coppertone Baby"?
Barney: The Olympic gymnast who stuck the landing. Hup!
Ted: I got to go.
Barney: Naked Man!

Quote from Ted

Vicky: Here we go.
Ted: Pablo Neruda.
Vicky: Oh, yeah, that book's a turd. Some douchey guy I hooked up with left it here. It's all in Mexican. [blows a raspberry] You know who writes good poems? Jewel. Her teeth are crooked and she lived in a car. So, she has stuff to write about.
Ted: [naked] Ta-dah!
[elsewhere, Barney is naked in front his date and Lily is naked in front of Marshall]
Vicky: Okay.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Hold on, Mitch, Mitch, I have to thank you. We all tried The Naked Man tonight.
Marshall: Ooh. We should see how Barney did.
Christina: [answers Barney's cell phone] Hello?
Marshall: Hi, is Barney there?
Christina: No.
[flashback to earlier in the evening as Barney stands naked before Christina:]
Christina: Oh, my God! What's the matter with you?! Get out!
Barney: I just have to grab my suit. It's very expensive. The tie alone...
Christina: Get out of here right now! Get out! You sick son of a bitch!
Barney: Call me. [Barney ducks as Christina throws a glass at the door]
[present:]
Christina: And if I see him again, I'm calling the cops. [throws Barney's cell phone in the toilet.
[at MacLaren's:]
Mitch: Two out of three times.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Mitch, I want you to know, this night, crazy as it was, it got me out of my shell.
Mitch: That's the beauty of The Naked Man. It gives you exactly what you need. No more, no less. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to replace one of my fantasy football quarterbacks. He separated his shoulder! [exits]
Ted: A toast to Mitch. By the sum of his parts, he is just a man. But by what he does with those parts, he becomes so much more. He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. For he is... "The Naked Man."
[On a New York City street, Barney pops up naked]
Woman: [o.s.] Oh, my God!


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