TV Quotes

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it's been almost 20 years since that cold April night in 2013, and I can safely tell you, if I could go back in time and relive that night, there's no way in hell I'd go to Robots vs. Wrestlers. No, I'd go home. I'd go to my old apartment, see all my old furniture, my old stuff. I'd see my old drafting table, where I sketched out my first building. I'd sit on that old couch and smell the Indian food cooking three stories below. I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place, be back in that old living room where so many things happened. I'd see the baby. I don't know if you can picture me holding your six-foot-seven cousin Marvin over my head, but back then I could. I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin, watch them fight about their caterer or whatever it was they were fighting about that night. But none of those things is the thing I'd do first. You know the thing I'd do first?
[From outside MacLaren's, Ted runs down the street to an apartment building, where he knocks on a door:]
Ted: Hi. I'm Ted Mosby. And exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet, and we're gonna fall in love, and we're gonna get married, and... we're gonna have two kids. And we're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I'm here now, I guess, because... I want those extra 45 days... with you. I want each one of them. Look, and if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because... I love you. I'm always gonna love you, till the end of my days and beyond. You'll see.
Man: Can I help you?
Ted: Oh, hey, it's... Louis, right? It's okay. It's fine... I'm in love with your girlfriend, and... we're gonna get married.
Man: What?
Ted: Yeah.
[Louis punches Ted in the face and he falls the ground. With a shiner around his eye, Ted smiles.]
[The camera returns to Ted, still standing outside MacLaren's]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in April of 2013, your mother and I were very close and yet very far apart. I was living on West 82nd Street. She was up on West 115th. She was getting a degree in economics. I was teaching architecture. I was always at MacLaren's. She was always... not spending all her time in a bar. She was dating some finance guy named Louis. And I... I was alone.

[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Marshall: Encyclopaedia?
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.

Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!