Robin: Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving.
Ted: No, I have to work on Friday. You?
Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh, right, I forgot you guys are weird. You pronounce the word out, "oot".
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: Your cops are called Mounties. [chuckles]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, this is a Thanksgiving story. Thanksgiving in New York is a wonderful time. It's a time for giving of yourself, for thinking of your fellow man, a time when the unforgiving city becomes a little kinder.
Lily: Well, I just ralphed.
Robin: How much did you guys drink last night?
Ted: Not how much? What.
[flashback:]
Barney: The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.
Marshall: It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.
[back:]
Ted: You want a good holiday drink, try his Kwanzaapolitan.

Lily: No, I've decided and I'm keeping my own name.
Marvin Sr.: But Eriksen is a great last name. People know the Eriksen's.
Lily: Oh, sure, in St. Cloud but our kids aren't gonna be growing up in St. Cloud. Right, baby?
Marshall: Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.
Lily: Oh, so is New York.
[All the Eriksens laugh]
Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.

Marshall: Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store?
Lily: Okay, I'll tell you but before I do, promise me that we are not gonna move to St. Cloud, Minnesota, promise.
Marshall: Look, I'm not suggesting that we move here tomorrow. I'm just...
Lily: Just promise.
Marshall: Why do you want me to promise you that?
Lily: Because I don't fit in here. I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it.

Ted: So, Lil', Marshall's family. Whole weekend with the future in-laws, you excited?
Lily: Yeah, no, it'll be fun.
Robin: Lily, you just said, "yeah, no."
Lily: Did I? No, I, I love Marshall's family. But, yeah, no, it'll be great.
Ted: You just did it again.
Lily: Yeah, no, shut up.

Barney: Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus, they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they "share a meal together".
Lily: Oh, Barney.
Barney: I'm sorry, Native American.

Robin: This is gonna be great.
Ted: I know. I'm so psyched we did this. Look at all these people, giving up their Thanksgiving to help their fellow man. These have got to be the best people in New York.
Barney: [enters, singing:] through the woods to Grandmother's house. [talking] Excuse me, guys. Coming through.
Ted: Barney?
Barney: Well, hi, guys.
Ted: What are you doing here?
Barney: Oh, just the Lord's work.
Ted: But you're Satan.
Barney: Guys, okay, look, I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.

Barney: So, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless. You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thanks-taking. Damn.

Dancer: Hey, I saw what you did for that guy? It was really sweet. Do you wanna dance?
Ted: Uh, no thanks. You want some yams?
Dancer: No thanks. I'm Amber. [shakes hands with Ted]
Ted: I'm Ted.
Dancer: Actually, I'm Tracy.
Ted: Still Ted.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that, kids, is the true story of how I met your mother.
Daughter & Son: What?!
Future Ted: I'm kidding.

Robin: Ted. Are you listening? You're a good guy.
Ted: You wanna know why I have to work tomorrow? My firm's designing an executive lounge for a tobacco company. In the fight against cancer, I'm on the side of cancer.