Barney: Hey, hey. If Ted says that PJ is important to the company, then PJ is not going anywhere.
Ted: See? He's very valuable.
Barney: Well, whoa. PJ's a guy? PJ's not some hot chick you're banging?
Ted: No, I'm mentoring him.
Barney: Oh, mentoring. I mentored a young fellow once. Even made him my wingman. Then, one day, he hired an assistant to work ten feet from his bedroom who... get this... isn't a hot chick, proving he never listened to a word I said. And do you know that young man's name?
Ted: Ted Mosby?
Barney: Maybe. I don't remember. Because he is dead to me! PJ's gonna be getting a very confusing card in the mail, along with a garment that he should by no means wear for three days and then mail back to me.

Robin: Hey, you okay?
Ted: What if I don't think of the books?
Robin: Excuse me?
Ted: There's this famous architecture story about an architect who designed this library. It was perfect. But every year, the whole thing would sink a couple inches into the ground. Eventually, the building was condemned. He forgot to account for the weight of the books. This company... it's just me. What if I don't think of the books?
Robin: Okay. First of all, nobody goes to libraries anymore, so who cares about that guy? Secondly, you need to get on the phone and start calling clients.
Ted: The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. It's like I'm giving up before I even started.

Barney: Hey. You hear there's gonna be more layoffs?
Marshall: I know. I'm freaking out. Are you worried?
Barney: Are you kidding? The things I know about this company. I won't ever be fired. I mean, there's a pretty good chance one day I'll wash up on shore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I won't be fired.

Marshall: So, apparently Robin and PJ are an item again.
Barney: You got to be kidding me! [downs drink, chokes]
Marshall: Are you all right?
Barney: Okay, since Lily's not talking to me, there's something I have to tell you. And this isn't easy to say, all right? I'm... wait for it... in... wait for it... love... wait for it... with... wait for it... a... wait for it... certain... wait for it...
Marshall: I know that you're in love with Robin!

Barney: Ah, ah, Lily. I heard this great joke at work.
Ted: Dude, come on. She's not gonna like it. It's boy-funny. It's not girl-funny.
Barney: That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted. Lily's cool. She'll appreciate this.
Marshall: Oh, you're on your own, man.
Lily: Just tell me the joke.
Barney: Okay. Ready? Lily, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam? See? It's funny.
Ted: It's boy-funny.
Marshall: She's not gonna like it.
Lily: Why don't you let me decide? What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then Barney said the punch line. To this day, it's still the dirtiest joke I've ever heard in my life. And no, I'm not gonna say it.
Lily: Yeah, I can't hang out with you anymore.
Barney: Oh, come on. That's a funny joke. That...
Ted: Told you.
Barney: She'll be back.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And we didn't see Lily for four weeks.

[When Robin returns to the apartment, there is a reception desk directly behind the door. A young man greets her]
PJ: Hi. Welcome to Mosbius Designs.
Robin: Who the hell are you?
PJ: I'm PJ, Mr. Mosby's assistant.
Robin: Ted, what the hell is going on?
PJ: I'm sorry. We do not interrupt Mr. Mosby during his brainstorming hour.
Ted: [over intercom] It's okay, PJ. That's Robin. She lives here.
PJ: I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir. Do you need anything else?
Ted: Well, I wouldn't say no to a cup of coffee.
Robin: You're right there!

Robin: So now, Ted has an assistant to help him not do anything.
Ted: Hey, PJ's been a huge help to me, setting up the office, designing the web site. And in return, I'm mentoring
a bright young mind.
Robin: Ah, yes, the mentoring.
[flashback to Ted and PJ in the apartment:]
Ted: I want you to go outside today and simply put your hands on buildings. All right? Feel the concrete pulse. Listen. Listen to the stories the stones are telling you. And pick up my dry cleaning.
PJ: I will. Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby. [exits]
Ted: All right.
Robin: Hey, Ted. This table just told me you're a douche.

Marshall: Hey, Barney, I thought of a "thing" to make me more essential here. I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody loves a guy who recycles, right?
Barney: Fired. What else you got?
Marshall: I thought of a few others: Wacky Tie Guy.
Barney: Fired.
Marshall: Daily Fun Fact Guy?
Barney: Did you know that you're fired?
Marshall: I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?
Barney: Downward-facing fired.
Marshall: Monty Python Guy?
Barney: We are the knights who say... You're fired.

Ted: Robin, there are billions of guys in the world. Why do you have to sleep with him?
Robin: Ted, when I get off work, it's 5:30 in the morning. Do you have any idea what kind of guys I'm meeting?
[flashback to Robin at MacLaren's with a guy:]
Man: I deliver newspapers. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it. [shows his ink-stained hands] Don't worry. I'll wash them before I handle your business.
[flashback to Robin with another guy:]
Man: I live with my mom. At night, we watch TV in her bed. We call it "Cuddle Club".
[flashback to Robin with another guy:]
Robin: So, you, get up really early to trade on the European stock exchanges? What's that like?
Fantasy Guy: [wearing robe] Look, is this going to happen or not?
[present:]
Ted: Okay, first of all, I've hung out with Fantasy Guy. You could do a lot worse.

Barney: [to Ted] I told you. Hire a cute assistant that you can sleep with, but instead you hire a cute assistant that Robin can sleep with. And of course he's gonna sleep with her. Ted, look at her. She's the greatest woman on the planet! I'm getting off topic! You're an idiot! That's my message! You're an idiot! [starts to storm off] No, one person storming off isn't enough! Marshall, storm off with me!