TV Quotes

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Ted: The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way that's what makes them such a great couple. A perfect balance. [eats olive]
Robin: You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
Ted: I can take them off your hands.
Robin: They're all yours.

Robin: Hey, um, so I went to the chiropractor yesterday. That guy bent me over the table and pounded me for a good hour.
Barney: Is insurance going to cover that? Sometimes they don't.
Robin: That's it? Well, today I was at the dentist. That guy drilled me all day long. He drilled me hard. He filled all of my cavities. Come on, man!
Barney: Well, your teeth look fantastic.
Robin: Who are you?

Ted: Oh. I think I'm gonna head home.
Barney: I understand.
Ted: What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
Barney: And how would I try and stop you?
Ted: I don't know, by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it, you got to seize it while you can before that moment's gone?
Barney: Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minnesota Tidal Wave thing happened five years ago. It's just a memory. And the rest of this never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get Marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night, staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around, Ted. You're all alone.

Robin: Does Marshall know?
Lily: No.
Robin: But you guys are the couple who tell each other everything. And for God's sakes, Lily, you text him while he's on the can.
Lily: Well, I just want him to know I'm rooting for him.

Marshall: That's Professor Lewis's office there.
Barney: Okay, let's take a look. Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. A prime specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now, the blouse. The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. If you're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws? Long and sharp, to ward off rival females... Or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut. Okay, let the hunt begin.

Marshall: I am not irrelevant. I ran the numbers. If Lily and I have sex twice a week, which, let's be honest, we all know is being conservative. And we've been together for ten years, plus seventeen more times on the honeymoon, minus the two week drought when I said the checker at the grocery store reminded me of a young Lily. Then we have had sex a total of... wait for it...
Barney: Nice.
Marshall: 1,053 and a half times. My mom called once. But that's more times than Barney has ever had sex and to your point, Ted, Lily is a quality girl. I win. Lawyered.
Barney: Doesn't count.
Marshall: Totally counts.
Ted: You're right, it counts. It counts as one. You've had sex once. How was it?
Marshall: I still matter.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Here's the funny thing. In my own crazy way, I was kind of happy. For the first time in years, there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin. Which meant, for the first time in years, the world was wide open. Because, kids... when a door closes, well... you know the rest.
[Ted walks into a sea of women with yellow umbrellas]

[2020:]
Ted: [v.o.] Aunt Lily wasn't wrong. It was at times a long, difficult road. But I'm glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear. You see, kids, right from the moment I met your mom, I knew... I have to love this woman as much as I can for as long as I can, and I can never stop loving her, not even for a second. I carried that lesson with me through every stupid fight we ever had, every 5:00 a.m. Christmas morning, every sleepy Sunday afternoon. Through every speed bump, every pang of jealousy or boredom or uncertainty that came our way, I carried that lesson with me. And I carried it with me when she got sick. Even then, in what can only be called the worst of times, all I could do was thank God. Thank every god there is, or ever was, or will be, and the whole universe, and anyone else I can possibly thank... that I saw that beautiful girl on that train platform, and that I had the guts to stand up, walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, open my mouth, and speak.

Robin: I... I can't shake it. I-I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense.
Ted: But love doesn't make sense. I mean, you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and... and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's-it's just true. You love Barney, and-and he loves you. And that doesn't have to make sense to make sense.

Lily: I mean, for the last time, you can't... You can't be in love with Robin and still be sleeping with every bimbo on the planet. You have to choose right now.
Barney: I choose bimbos.
Lily: What?
Barney: Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos.
Lily: This is just a defense mechanism, because you're afraid of getting hurt. You're just confused.
Barney: Oh, I'm not confused. You know who is confused? Bimbos. They're easily confused. It's one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares, their sluggish, unencumbered minds, their unresolved daddy issues. I love them and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin. Mostly thin. B- man don't do thick crust. What up?
Lily: See you, Barney.
[After Lily leaves the apartment, Barney turns on the TV and sees Robin on the news. Barney smiles and then turns it off.]

Ted: "Say goodbye to the Empire State Building."
Lily: Bro.
Ted: What? Sometimes I go talk to her about life.
[fantasy of Ted talking to a wall:]
Ted: And I just hate the thought of leaving you, Empy, but my gut tells me my future's in Chicago. What do you think?
Man: [o.s.] You need to move.
Ted: Oh, my God. Really? Are you sure?
Police Officer: Yeah, I'm sure. You can't just stand there talking to a building and petting it. Wait, are you one of those freaks who's sexually attracted to buildings?
Ted: An objectophiliac? No way.
Police Officer: Then why do you know what they're called?
[present:]
Lily: Why do you know what they're called?

Robin: I must say, there's something admirable about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart. I mean, who wants to get old?
Ted: This guy. Robin, life is a meal and old age is the dessert. I spend so much of my time worrying about the future. Where's my career going? Who am I gonna marry? But when you're old, you don't worry, 'cause all that stuff's already happened. Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes and a chair takes you up and down the stairs, it's perfect.
Robin: That's not perfect. That's pathetic. You can't just jump to the end. The journey is the best part.
Ted: Oh, Robin, I used to feel that way, too, but you'll understand when you're a little bit older.

Ted: Okay, I did a bad thing last night. I looked up his address.
Robin: Who?
Ted: [laughs] Sorry. You said "who". It reminded me of the owl footage. Genius. No. Sandy. How dare he laugh at you. Who does he think... [laughs] Sorry. "Who". Anyway. I looked up his address in your contact list.
Robin: Oh, God. Tell me you didn't go over there.
Ted: I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse.
Robin: Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists.
Ted: They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker. So I went to his apartment.

Marshall: This is the life. We got the three B's. Beach, booze and bodacious babes.
Ted: I don't know. I'm starting to think we should call the police.
Marshall: Oh, would you relax? We've got it made. One whole week at his bodacious beach house, no strings attached.
Ted: Well, there is one string attached.
Woman: Hi, Barney.
[Ted pulls a string to make Barney's arm wave]
Ted & Marshall: Bodacious.
[Barney jolts up in bed:]
Barney: "Weekend at Barney's!"
Robin: What is it? What's wrong?
Barney: The plays, Robin, the plays. The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor to pick up busty dullards. They just keep coming to me, I can't turn them off.

Barney: Dad, isn't this place great?
Jerry: Uh, I don't know. l-It's so loud!
Marshall: And so bourgeois! Many of my plays are about the bourgeois. And ennui. And one rock opera about a frozen-yogurt shop.

Jen: Now what?
Ted: I just remembered why I didn't call you.
Jen: Why?
Ted: I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again, but, um, I like finding typos in menus.
Jen: What?
Ted: And I know my shellfish pun is stupid but the truth, I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.
Jen: Now that you mention it, I'm never going to stop talking about my cats. They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.
Ted: Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other, seven years from now?
Jen: Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen.
Ted: Well, good luck out there, Jen.
Jen: You too, Ted. You'll find your shellfish lady.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, she did laugh. And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.

Lily: I'm going to read it. Here we go. "The Frozen Snowshoe, Old King Clancy, Harvey's trays."
Robin: Right?
Lily: I don't know what any of those words mean.
Barney: Is one of those supposed to be a celebrity?
Marshall: Yeah, who the hell is Old King Clancy?
Robin: No, that's not the person, that's the sex act. It's the same as a Sacramento Turtleneck, except with maple syrup.
Marshall: So the celebrity was Harvey Strays?
Robin: No, that's what he collected. Harvey's trays. Yeah, those classic orange trays you get whenever you eat at Harvey's? The restaurant? Oh, come on, you're road tripping down the Trans-Canada Highway, you get a hunger on between Milverton and Wawa, where you gonna strap on a feed bag, huh? Harvey's. Over 12,000 served!
Lily: So the celebrity was...
Robin: The Frozen Snowshoe. Oh, my God! You guys have never heard of The Frozen Snowshoe? He's only the most famous professional wrestler in Canada. I met him after he defeated Reckless Rick Rogers in the Kamloops Memorial Arena back in '02. Classic match.
Lily: So you're saying The Frozen Snowshoe invited you back to his place to look at Harvey's trays, and asked you to do an Old King Clancy?
Robin: Exactly. And I'm serious, you cannot tell anyone.

Ted: No way! You never lie to your friends. I would never not be honest with you.
Barney: Really? What about that open mic night at the comedy club?
[flashback to Marshall on stage at a comedy club:]
Barney: Are you like me, folks? Have you ever thought about how many different kinds of fish there are? And the names of those fish? Let's, uh, let's take a little ride. "Trout." Am I right? "Sturgeon." I don't think so, pal. "Salmon." I'm going to say that again, salmon. Who thought that was a good idea, right? "Bass." This guy over here knows what I'm talking about. "Halibut." Thank you, good night. [goes to Ted] How was I?
Ted: Oh, you were great. Really funny.
Barney: You killed... [Marshall walks off] everyone's Thursday night.
[present:]
Marshall: Time out. You didn't like the fish list?
Ted: It was horrible! You just read a list of fish.
Marshall: [whooshes]

[May 2016:]
Barney: So, Marshall, how's your job going?
Marshall: My chair... is reasonably comfortable. For short periods of time.
Lily: Marshall has decided to say only positive things about being back in corporate law.
Robin: So you hate it?
Marshall: Much of what I do does not make me cry.
Lily: But the job's only temporary. Marshall was offered the judgeship once, and he turned it down for me. So, karmically, that phone has to ring again.
Marshall: And even if it doesn't, today, when my boss threw his egg salad sandwich at my face, some of it got into my mouth. And it was tasty.