Trending ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Quotes

Quote from Barney in Twelve Horny Women

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

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Quote from Barney in Stuff

Barney: Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
Barney: Moist.
Future Ted: And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.
[Barney shoots a squirt gun at Lily]
Barney: I have to go refill. I'll be back in a moment. Play's not over.
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.
Future Ted: And then it just got weird.
Barney: [in a robot costume] Feelings. Inside. Oh, no! [robot noises]
Future Ted: And when that didn't work...
[Barney plays the recorder]
Lily: Okay! Stop! You win. Fine. Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.

Quote from Robin in The Possimpible

Lily: You didn't let those reporter bitches psych you out, did you?
[flashback to Robin's audition:]
Robin: ...and the President's economic team is hoping to have a proposal before Congress by the end of the month. From all of us here at News Ten, have a good evening. ... So, good night, New York. And may the road ahead be lit with dreams and tomorrows. Which are lit with dreams... also.
[present:]
Ted: Wow, that's terrible. And bad... Also.
Robin: I wasn't done.
[flashback:]
Robin: Stand tall, New York. Trustworthy. Recycling. Wear a condom.
[present:]
Marshall: Wear a condom?
Robin: I'm not gonna be the new Channel Ten anchor, am I?
Barney: This just in, no.

Quote from Ted in The Time Travelers

Ted: Oh. I think I'm gonna head home.
Barney: I understand.
Ted: What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
Barney: And how would I try and stop you?
Ted: I don't know, by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it, you got to seize it while you can before that moment's gone?
Barney: Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minnesota Tidal Wave thing happened five years ago. It's just a memory. And the rest of this never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get Marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night, staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around, Ted. You're all alone.

Quote from Marshall in Last Time in New York

[flashback to April 26 at 12:44 pm:]
Ted: Oh. Hey.
Marshall: Hey, bud. I was about to take Lily's rehearsal dinner dress to the dry cleaner.
Ted: Oh, that's too bad. Because, uh, I was just watching The Princess Bride, when something occurred to me.
Marshall: How, at the end, Andre the Giant hooks them up with those horses and then Inigo Montoya is like, "Fezzik, you did something right." And it's like, bro, Andre's been doing stuff right the whole movie. Knocking out serpents, busting down castle doors. Basically carrying your revenge-and-sangria-soaked ass. So instead of being a patronizing jerk, how about a simple: "Hey, thanks for the horses, bro"? That's totally what you were thinking, right?
Ted: No, l... No, I came over here... God, that's a really good point.

Quote from Future Ted in 46 Minutes

Future Ted: [v.o.] Would the five of us always live within a few minutes of that booth? No, that's life, kids, but here's what I discovered. Our booth was wherever the five of us were together.

Quote from Barney in Moving Day

Barney: So? We all agree? We move Ted's stuff back up here?
Ted: Mm... no. We're still moving in together.
Barney: Why? This is crazy. Ted you're throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you. With her shiny hair and her boobed shaped boobs.
Barney: This is bad for you, too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?
Robin: I'm not wearing makeup right now.
Barney: Holy crap, you're beautiful.

Quote from Lily in Last Forever

[May 2016:]
Lily: Wait, see? This, right here, this is why we can't fall out of each other's lives. We have to be here for the big moments. Just promise me, no matter what, we will always be there for the big moments.
Robin: I promise. We'll... We'll always be there for the big moments.
Barney: See? It's like this whole divorce thing never happened.
Lily: [crying]

Quote from Marshall in Old King Clancy

Ted: No way! You never lie to your friends. I would never not be honest with you.
Barney: Really? What about that open mic night at the comedy club?
[flashback to Marshall on stage at a comedy club:]
Barney: Are you like me, folks? Have you ever thought about how many different kinds of fish there are? And the names of those fish? Let's, uh, let's take a little ride. "Trout." Am I right? "Sturgeon." I don't think so, pal. "Salmon." I'm going to say that again, salmon. Who thought that was a good idea, right? "Bass." This guy over here knows what I'm talking about. "Halibut." Thank you, good night. [goes to Ted] How was I?
Ted: Oh, you were great. Really funny.
Barney: You killed... [Marshall walks off] everyone's Thursday night.
[present:]
Marshall: Time out. You didn't like the fish list?
Ted: It was horrible! You just read a list of fish.
Marshall: [whooshes]

Quote from Barney in The Goat

Marshall: This is not a legal documet. This is just something you wrote.
Barney: You think I wrote that? Oh, Marshall, don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code?
[historical flashback:]
Barney: [v.o.] The year was 1776. The place: Philadelphia. Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were having a drink.
Benjamin Franklin: But, bro, seriously, I called the dibs on that wench. You codpiece blocked me.
George Washington: So what if I did? There's no rule against it.
Benjamin Franklin: Well, there should be. There should be a set of rules that govern the way bros comport themselves among other bros.
George Washington: But who shall write such a document? I have to go to Me, D.C., and pose for the dollar bill.
Benjamin Franklin: And I have to do some kite-flying or something.
Barnabus Stinson: I shall write this set of rules. And I shall inscribe it on the back of the Constitution. To save paper.
George Washington: It's resolved! Barnabus Stinson shall write... the Bro Code.
Barnabus Stinson: And I shall l include a provision that stateth "No eye contact in a devil's three-way."
Benjamin Franklin: Seconded.
George Washington: Seconded.

Quote from Ted in Farhampton

Klaus: Ah, okay, Victoria. There is a word in German: Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be, "Lifelong Treasure of Destiny." And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz. She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? You know wunderbar but you don't know Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand? That is something we learn in kindergarten. I'm sorry, "kindergarten" is the German word for...
Ted: No, no, I know that one.
Klaus: Oh, okay. But you don't know Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand? You are maddeningly inconsistent. It means, "the thing that is almost the thing that you want... but it's not quite." Das ist Victoria to me.

Quote from Ted in We're Not From Here

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when you visited New York, there are count of something funny to see and do. And yes Colleen and Lindsay took us to Tater-Skinz.
Colleen: This is our favorite restaurant in the city.
Ted: Yes, I'm sure this is the best of their 57 "spudtacular" East Coast locations.

Quote from Ted in Pilot

Ted: The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way that's what makes them such a great couple. A perfect balance. [eats olive]
Robin: You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
Ted: I can take them off your hands.
Robin: They're all yours.

Quote from Barney in Platonish

[flashback:]
Barney: Please, Ted and Robin are not platonic. Just like me and Robin are not platonic. Just like no two single people in the world are ever platonic. Symposium. Two people are only platonic if in the next 20 minutes, there is no chance of them hooking up. Truth is, I only know of one genuinely platonic relationship.
Lily: You and me.
Barney: Don't make me laugh, Lily. You want to hit this so hard. Seriously, she's playing footsies with me as l... Ow! No, I'm talking about Marshall and Robin. [v.o.] Marshall and Robin wouldn't hook up even if this happened.
[fantasy, Lily runs into MacLaren's with a bomb strapped to her chest as Marshall and Robin talk:]
Lily: Marshall! Robin! If you guys don't full-on make out in the next 20 minutes, they're gonna blow me up and everyone in this bar!
Marshall: Oh, God, no. Anyone but Robin.
Robin: I really don't want to do this.
Lily: Guys, we have no time. Just do it!
[19 minutes later:]
Marshall: I'm sorry, baby. I just... I can't do it.
Lily: Aw...
[back:]
Barney: And the only survivor was me, because I was upstairs banging Ted's mom. What? Get that blond girl's phone number? Challenge accepted.

Quote from Ted in The End of the Aisle

Robin: I... I can't shake it. I-I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense.
Ted: But love doesn't make sense. I mean, you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and... and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's-it's just true. You love Barney, and-and he loves you. And that doesn't have to make sense to make sense.

Quote from Barney in Dowisetrepla

Ted: So these boobs...
Barney: Mmmm...
Ted: Paint me a word picture.
Barney: All right, Ted. Imagine the heads of two Irish babies. Let's call them... [blll] and [blll]
Lily: Please stop!

Quote from Ted in The Best Man

Ted: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I'd go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week and I'd think, "Wow. Hey, maybe she's the one. "Now I think, "I just know that bitch is gonna take the last whole-wheat everything bagel."
Robin: You've just been focused on work.
Ted: No, it's more than that. I've stopped believing. Not in some depressed, "I'm gonna cry during my toast" way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day, I think I believe a little less and a little less and a little less. And that... sucks. What do I do about that, Scherbatsky?
Robin: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
Ted: In what, destiny?
Robin: Chemistry. If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing.
Ted: What's that?
Robin: Timing. But timing's a bitch.

Quote from Barney in Challenge Accepted

Barney: Nora, how you been?
Nora: Fine.
Barney: Look, I don't know why you would possibly say yes to this, but, would you want to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime? 20 minutes. I was such a jerk to you. You can spend the entire time calling me every dirty name in the book.
Nora: I speak four languages. I'm gonna need more than 20 minutes.
Barney: I'll call you. You look beautiful, by the way. And here I thought it was too late for sundresses.
Nora: It's never too late, Barney.
Barney: Challenge accepted.

Quote from Barney in Life Among the Gorillas

Marshall: So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
Barney: Nah. I'm so over karaoke.
Marshall: Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
Barney: Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.

Quote from Barney in The Three Days Rule

[Ted reading Holli's text in the apartment:]
Holli: "And when we finally come together, I want you to..."
[flashback to Stan telling this to Barney and Marshall at MacLaren's:]
Stan: hold me. Hold me all night. Stroke my hair. Tell me I'm a woman and show me you're a man. Until there there was only now. You and I... and now.
Marshall: Yes! You want me to text that to Ted. I know that.
[back to Ted reading the text in Holli's voice:]
Holli: "I do not ask of the night explanations. I wait for it, and it envelops me, and so you and bread and light and shadow are."
[flashback:]
Stan: That's Pablo Neruda.
Marshall: I don't know... what bread was doing in there, but that touched me here and here.
Barney: Well, if Ted won't say it, I will. I love you.
Stan: That's cool.