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44Quotes from ‘Single Stamina’

How I Met Your Mother: Single Stamina

210. Single Stamina

Aired November 27, 2006

Barney's brother, James (Wayne Brady), comes to town with a big surprise.

Quote from James

James: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, you are young, attractive people here in the greatest city on earth. There are boys and girls in Nobody Cares, Wyoming, wishing they could be here. But instead, they are in someone's basement drinking bad malt liquor, debating whether or not they're going to spend their Saturday night in the parking lot of the feed store or in some other dude's basement. You owe it to them to rise up and shimmy your lazy asses into something hot, and you go out there and you live their dream! Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
All: Hell, yeah!
James: Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
All: Hell, yeah!
James: Can I get a "woo-woo"?
All: Woo-woo!
James: Go do it for Wyoming!
All: Yes!
James: Testify!

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Quote from James

Marshall: Yeah, so now the wedding's back on.
Lily: Anyway, James, how have you been?
James: Awesome, as per "uze." I just went skinny-skydiving. Legendary. And my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals. "Legendary-er." And by now you've noticed the suit. Go ahead, touch it. Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor, who upon completing the very last stitch in this suit dropped dead, which is ironic because that is how gorgeous I look in it. C'mon. [dances] Gimme five.
Barney: Is "gimme five" back?
James: Oh, yeah. I put it in my blog this morning.
Barney: Guys, "gimme five" is back!

Quote from Loretta

[Flashback to 1982, where young Barney and James are watching TV:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] The truth is, Barney and James got a lot of different explanations from their mom over the years.
Loretta: Well, boys, you look different because when I was pregnant with you, I only ate vanilla ice cream. And when I was pregnant with you, can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate?
James: Coffee?
Loretta: No, James, I ate chocolate ice cream. But I did drink tons of coffee when I was pregnant with both of you. Can't smoke without my coffee.
[flashback to 1984:]
Loretta: I don't know, boys, I guess it's just one of those things.
[flashback to 1986:]
Loretta: Stop asking me! You know what you two are? You're little racists!

Quote from James

Lily: And then there was the time they scored the brother/sister combo.
Barney: It was everything we ever dreamed of when watching Donnie and Marie. She was a little bit country.
James: He was a little bit way into black guys.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin.
Robin: Hey. It's so nice to meet you.
James: You, too.
Robin: So, I have to ask, there's a story here.
Barney and James: Please.

Quote from James

Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination. Since there was never any crossover in targets, James was always there for Barney with the assist.
[flashback to James and Barney at MacLaren's]:
James: [to a woman] Whoa. Your scarf... it is fierce!
Woman: Thanks. H&M.
James: What? I would never know, 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. Oh, I can't see. Hey! You know, speaking of things that would look good wrapped around you, have you met my straight brother, Barney? Oh, he is fab...don't you go nowhere...ulous. Okay?

Quote from Barney

Barney: [enters] Clam Bake. Staten Island. Who's in? Okay, I didn't have high hopes for that one. Okay, here's my thing. If gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works. They start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: I don't get manicures.
Barney: Okay, then like how... Like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasps] You get your chest waxed?
Barney: You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life, as we know it, to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Barney, I'm sorry you're upset, but you got to suck it up and be a man about this.
Barney: No. It's always been me and him together, being awesome, while the rest of you walked two-by-two onto your ark of sexless boredom.

Quote from Barney

James: Barney, family talk. Okay, dude, you have got to stop this, okay? I know that my getting married is threatening to your way of life...
Barney: Oh, so now it's my way of life? I thought it was our way of life. You've completely turned your back on it. Look at you, not even suited up. Do you remember why we suit up, James?
James: To get laid.
Barney: To show people that we are different from the millions of T-shirt and jeans lemmings out there. The suit shows that we are a force to be reckoned with, a two-person army that plays by its own rules. But you've taken off the uniform, you've crossed enemy lines, and you've abandoned me. Well, I'm not gonna let you do that.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, there's nothing more wonderful than New York City in the winter... except the view of New York City in the winter through your apartment window. In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep in couple hibernation mode. Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold.
Barney: [enters] Okay. All-night rave, abandoned tire factory in Newark. We're on the list. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Robin: No.
[later:]
Barney: Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Lily: No, thanks.
[later:]
Barney: One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in?
Marshall: Shh. Lily went sleepy-bye.
[later at MacLaren's:]
Future Ted: It got so bad, Barney tried to be his own wingman.
Barney: [to a woman] Hi. Have you met me?

Quote from Ted

Robin: How in God's name did it never come up that Barney has a gay, black brother?
Ted: Is he black? I guess I'm the kind of person that focuses on who people are on the inside rather than the color of their skin. I'm kidding, I just wanted to see your face.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [to his baby nephew] Hey, buddy. Your parents are married. Now, listen, you. Just because you're being raised by married people doesn't mean you have to choose that lifestyle. High-five. Luckily, you got me. In 20 and a half years, you'll be 21, and I will be... Well, I haven't decided how old I'll be yet. But we are gonna bro out, uncle and nephew style. Stick with me, kid. I am gonna teach you how to live. Great suit, by the way. Who is the cutest?

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hang on to your bedsores, grandparents from Willy Wonka, because guess who's on his way up to this apartment right now? My... wait for it... brother, James. React.
All: Hey!
Robin: You have a brother?
Barney: Yeah. He's the awesome-est, most best looking-est, greatest guy ever.
Lily: He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Well, Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike.
Lily: James is gay.
Robin: Really? I mean, never in a million years would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome.
Ted: Yeah. I just wanted you to have a heads up, so you don't act all surprised when he gets here.
[After a knock, Barney opens the front door]
Barney: Here he is.
James: What up, New York.
Robin: [to Ted] Thanks for the heads up.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] And Barney always returned the favor.
[flashback to a gay bar filled with young men:]
Barney: Help, I don't think he's breathing. Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth?
Man: Oh, my God, I do!
Barney: Okay, great. [to another man] How 'bout you instead?

Quote from James

Future Ted: [v.o.] So that night, Barney got his wish. We all went out.
Barney: Daddy's home! Yeah. All right, bro. What do you like? Guy in super tight black T? Super tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James: Mmm, yes, yes, and talk to me after two martinis. Let's focus on you, my man.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar, you can always tell the difference between the singles and the couples. You just have to look for the signs. Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability. Couples, exhausted by the sheer act of leaving the house, are obsessed with finding a place to sit down. There are a lot of other indicators, too. From choice of social lubricant to basic body language. But the point is, there are many ways to tell whether someone has Single Stamina or Couples Coma.

Quote from James

James: I wish I would've worn sneakers. I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy who was periscoping out of his pleather pants. Permission to come aboard denied.

Quote from James

James: Hey! Hi, how are ya?
James and Barney: [in unison] Have you met my brother?

Quote from James

Man: Excuse me. Join me in a shot?
James: Oh, no thanks. I've had enough. [the man always away] He's too in shape, we'd spend all night talking about his body fat content. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it... because I can.

Quote from Barney

Lily: This is gonna kill Barney.
Barney: What's gonna kill me? What's going on?
Marshall: Um, Barney? Have you noticed anything... different about James?
Barney: No. I mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean.
Ted: We have reason to believe that James is, uh, maybe hiding something from you. I- I know you're not gonna like hearing this, but...
Lily: Barney, your brother is... monogamous.
Barney: That's ridiculous! Just because he's a little sleepy, and he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall... Huh. He hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall.

Quote from Barney

James: Hey.
Barney: I don't support this.
James: Gay marriage?
Barney: Not gay marriage, marriage! [shudders] How can you do this? We were raised in the same house, with the same values!

Quote from Barney

James: Believe me, I fought this for a long time. Come on, it's embarrassing. Look, this felt unnatural to me, too, at first. But I fell in love. And Tom and I realized you can't fight love.
Barney: Oh, God. Is that what you two do together? You sit around the house and talk about love? I think... I'm gonna be sick.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Look, my sister married a guy I didn't like. Sandals and socks? Come on, buddy. But I took her out, we celebrated. It was the right thing to do. You got to support him.
Barney: You're right, Ted. This is a cause for celebration. We need to take him out and celebrate the commitment he and Tom are about to make.
[cut to Barney and James arriving at a gay bar with Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin:]
James: Yeah. This is where we're celebrating the commitment that Tom and I are about to make?
Barney: What? Yeah! See, that cage represents your commitment.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Oh, my God. Freedom has never tasted so delicious.
Man: Hey. You work out?
Marshall: I do. And thank you for noticing. You're obviously in very good shape yourself.
Man: Well, I try. So you want to dance?
Marshall: You know what? I'm very flattered, and, objectively, you're a very attractive man, but this is actually my fiancée.
Man: I'm sorry. You know, I saw your drink and I...
Marshall: No, no, this isn't my drink. This is hers.
Lily: No, it isn't.

Quote from Ted

Man: How 'bout you?
Ted: Oh, I'm straight, too. But I thank you for your time, and I appreciate your interest in my body.

Quote from James

James: And then Tom says to the dealer that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner. Blam, we get that puppy half price. What up?! Bam!
Barney: Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair.
James: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Hey, oh, my God. This is so liberating, being able to talk about this to you. I cannot wait for you to meet Tom.
Barney: And I cannot wait for you to meet my good friend, this guy. Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink?
James: Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. Okay. [imitating beeping noises] All right. I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down because they are in a gay club. You see that chick right there? She looks like she'd fall for sports agent and football player.
Barney: Okay, I'm in. Which one am I?
James: [chuckles] Please.

Quote from Barney

Barney: It's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing! You don't have to do this, bro!
James: Yes, I do.
Barney: Why?!
James: Because Tom and I are gonna have a baby.
Barney: What? There's gonna be a baby?
James: Yes. We're adopting.
Barney: Oh, my God. I'm gonna be an uncle?
James: For the rest of your life.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Barney became Uncle Barney. A year later, at James's wedding, Barney could not have been more proud.
Barney: To James and Tom. May you have a long and happy life together. And may I always have the skin and libido of a much younger man. Cheers.


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